We’re having a boy in a few months, and I’m a little tired of hearing that I’ll be “baptized” soon. Apparently, this means that when I remove Future Baby’s diaper, the cool air will encourage him to piss all over me. Thus, the “baptism.” What a crap euphemism. It’s usually used by young women who are aunts but not mothers.
See, I’ve already been pissed on, and I’ve already been baptized. I don’t confuse the two events. I was 18 when i got pissed on. It was during “hell week” in college. It was not all that enjoyable. I was in junior high when I was baptized. I had the support of my parents and the sentimentality of my Sunday School teacher. I was the center of attention. Therefore, it was enjoyable.
People who refer to getting a golden shower from their babies as “baptism” can shampoo my balls. I know you think you’re cute, but see, you’re really not. You’re just trying to use humor to cover your shortfalls and failings. I won’t forget. I don’t lose my keys or skip a day on my morning vitamin. And I won’t let my baby piss all over me in the morning when I go upstairs to change his diaper.
So, here’s how I envision a conversation this winter with someone I don’t know well who learns we’ve just had a baby boy:
Random Woman: Oh, congratulations! So…you been BAPTIZED yet?
Me: He, He. I sure have. I like it! I usually sing “We Shall Overcome” as I get thrown back into the wall. It’s just like Birmingham in the nursery these days!
Random Woman: Oh my…I…well…
Me: Yeah, see, having a firehose for a pecker is, apparently, hereditary. Come close, and I’ll show you.
Random Woman runs away.
If you like stories about getting firehosed, give props to Muskrat on this funny blog.
And if you really want to alarm people, tell them how excited you are about receiving a Cleveland steamer!
Oh yea!! The fire-hose angle. I like it.
ricky, i am disturbed. i don’t live anywhere near cleveland!
Mazel tov, keep it that way Muskie. So you like Rickey’s latest musical post but not enough to assign it a smiley face, eh? Shenanigans! Get your lanky ass back to RwR and rank that post!
I have 4 boy’s, luckily they are out of diapers now. I wish I had thought about the firehose thing back then ! FUNNY
My apologies, Ricky. You see, at the time I was lurking on your blog, I was sitting on the john and using my blackberry. I can’t sign in on humorblogs to rate from the blackberry. So, it’s totally Diesel’s fault.
I can rate now that I’m in a hotel in Nashville with web access!
You have taken a gross and disgusting event and made it beautiful.
After he’s born, may I borrow your brat to take to the mall? I can use this line, babies are woman magnets, plus I can do that thing where pressure on the soft spot makes their eyes bug out.
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