We’re having a boy in a few months, and I’m a little tired of hearing that I’ll be “baptized” soon.  Apparently, this means that when I remove Future Baby’s diaper, the cool air will encourage him to piss all over me.  Thus, the “baptism.”  What a crap euphemism.  It’s usually used by young women who are aunts but not mothers.

See, I’ve already been pissed on, and I’ve already been baptized.  I don’t confuse the two events.  I was 18 when i got pissed on.  It was during “hell week” in college.  It was not all that enjoyable. I was in junior high when I was baptized.  I had the support of my parents and the sentimentality of my Sunday School teacher.  I was the center of attention.  Therefore, it was enjoyable.

People who refer to getting a golden shower from their babies as “baptism” can shampoo my balls.  I know you think you’re cute, but see, you’re really not.  You’re just trying to use humor to cover your shortfalls and failings.  I won’t forget.  I don’t lose my keys or skip a day on my morning vitamin.  And I won’t let my baby piss all over me in the morning when I go upstairs to change his diaper.

So, here’s how I envision a conversation this winter with someone I don’t know well who learns we’ve just had a baby boy:

Random Woman:  Oh, congratulations!  So…you been BAPTIZED yet?
Me:  He, He.  I sure have.  I like it!  I usually sing “We Shall Overcome” as I get thrown back into the wall.  It’s just like Birmingham in the nursery these days!
Random Woman:  Oh my…I…well…
Me:  Yeah, see, having a firehose for a pecker is, apparently, hereditary.  Come close, and I’ll show you.
Random Woman runs away.
The End.

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If you like stories about getting firehosed, give props to Muskrat on this funny blog.

Filed under: Baby, Baby, baptism, Birmingham, boy, firehose, golden shower, pee, piss