Baby

don’t call me “mac the baptist”

We’re having a boy in a few months, and I’m a little tired of hearing that I’ll be “baptized” soon.  Apparently, this means that when I remove Future Baby’s diaper, the cool air will encourage him to piss all over me.  Thus, the “baptism.”  What a crap euphemism.  It’s usually used by young women who are aunts but not mothers.

See, I’ve already been pissed on, and I’ve already been baptized.  I don’t confuse the two events.  I was 18 when i got pissed on.  It was during “hell week” in college.  It was not all that enjoyable. I was in junior high when I was baptized.  I had the support of my parents and the sentimentality of my Sunday School teacher.  I was the center of attention.  Therefore, it was enjoyable.

People who refer to getting a golden shower from their babies as “baptism” can shampoo my balls.  I know you think you’re cute, but see, you’re really not.  You’re just trying to use humor to cover your shortfalls and failings.  I won’t forget.  I don’t lose my keys or skip a day on my morning vitamin.  And I won’t let my baby piss all over me in the morning when I go upstairs to change his diaper.

So, here’s how I envision a conversation this winter with someone I don’t know well who learns we’ve just had a baby boy:

Random Woman:  Oh, congratulations!  So…you been BAPTIZED yet?
Me:  He, He.  I sure have.  I like it!  I usually sing “We Shall Overcome” as I get thrown back into the wall.  It’s just like Birmingham in the nursery these days!
Random Woman:  Oh my…I…well…
Me:  Yeah, see, having a firehose for a pecker is, apparently, hereditary.  Come close, and I’ll show you.
Random Woman runs away.

The End.

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If you like stories about getting firehosed, give props to Muskrat on this funny blog.

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9 Comments

  1. And if you really want to alarm people, tell them how excited you are about receiving a Cleveland steamer!

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  2. Oh yea!! The fire-hose angle. I like it.

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  3. ricky, i am disturbed. i don’t live anywhere near cleveland!

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  4. Mazel tov, keep it that way Muskie. So you like Rickey’s latest musical post but not enough to assign it a smiley face, eh? Shenanigans! Get your lanky ass back to RwR and rank that post!

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  5. I have 4 boy’s, luckily they are out of diapers now. I wish I had thought about the firehose thing back then ! FUNNY

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  6. My apologies, Ricky. You see, at the time I was lurking on your blog, I was sitting on the john and using my blackberry. I can’t sign in on humorblogs to rate from the blackberry. So, it’s totally Diesel’s fault.
    I can rate now that I’m in a hotel in Nashville with web access!

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  7. You have taken a gross and disgusting event and made it beautiful.

    After he’s born, may I borrow your brat to take to the mall? I can use this line, babies are woman magnets, plus I can do that thing where pressure on the soft spot makes their eyes bug out.

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  8. Pingback: my 10-month-old totally loves the indo. | Father Muskrat

  9. Pingback: 912 days without a golden shower! | Father Muskrat

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