Growing up

spare the rod? not so much.

Pretty Bride and I were talking about punishment recently and how I thought “time out” was for pussies.  She says The Literature says that spanking is not really the best way to teach children right from wrong.  This got me to thinking about my childhood and the many, many whippings I endured when misunderstood or misinterpreted as a young, perfect boy.  So, here I will list a few of my top spanking offenses:

1.  One day (late elementary school) I was peeing, and my younger brother walked in to tell me I needed to help him pick up the limbs that had fallen all over our backyard during a storm.  I told him to hold on; I was peeing.  He said I needed to go out now, because Daddy said we had to do it now.  I got mad.  I turned around and completed my urination all over his bare legs, chest, arms, and feet.  He told my father.  I got the tar beat out of me with a belt.

2.  One day (early elementary school), my brother Kevin and I were playing in our front yard and realized we’d left a toy bunny rabbit in the next door neighbor’s garage.  We could’ve rung the doorbell and asked them to let us in to get the bunny, but instead we grabbed some sticks and rocks and broke into their garage, took the bunny, and then let ourselves out via the door.  My parents got a phone call from the neighbors telling them what we’d done.  They asked us about it; we lied and said it was some other kids.  I got my pants pulled down and was beaten with a white plastic cutting board.  I noticed several years ago that I now have that white plastic cutting board.  My mother packed it with the kitchen items she gave me when I moved into my own apartment after college.  Not cool.

3.  One day (early elementary school), I was playing with a kid who lived in our cul-de-sac on his folks’ front porch, and I was telling him about how I thought the brown rocks they used as landscape mulch looked a lot like turds.  He didn’t like that I categorized his father’s handiwork in this manner.  I decided to take the conversation to a new level by pulling my pants down, squatting over the side of his porch, and dropping the brown rocks out of my bottom into the shrubbery below.  His dad walked out of the front door and saw his son’s playmate’s brown star and heard him say, “I’m Bobby’s Daddy.  Look at how I like to do landscaping!”  He told me to go home and immediately called my parents.  I heard his voice as I trudged towards my house:  “your boy just dropped a bunch of my rocks out his ass in front of my son and me…”  Dad was outside working in the yard and took the nearest tree limb to my backside.

Look at this funny blog to rate others’ experiences with corporal punishment.

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  1. Oh heavens yes, (she said snarkily) you WERE misunderstood and misrepresented. (not)
    I too was not spared the rod, and I turned out to be an upstanding citizen.
    I think children who act like you did and I did are overly creative and have more imagination than the “good” (not-punished) kids.
    I cut my baby brother’s hair and earned a spanking, I played way too close to the train-tracks for a whupping, broke the bathroom sink by washing my feet in it – – standing up in the sink, I think I was 10 and about 55 pounds. I once deserved a paddling so much my dad gritted his teeth in anger and snapped his dentures plate in half. Sadly, I don’t recall the infraction, but the spankings stopped for a long time.
    As I got older, fewer ass paddlings more face slapping. And if I tried to step aside, the hair was yanked to get me back into smacking range. Until the glasses flew off my face and broke. That was expensive and the end of that.
    I was a disruptive child, and should not have been allowed to live!!! Today I would be on some awesome mood altering drugs.
    Thanks for the trip down memory lane.

  2. Bravo for those that still spank their kids despite the possibility of arrest and public shame. I think there are times when “Time-Out” is more appropriate, but there are times when that kids just needs a spank’n, and as long as you don’t loose control or leave incriminated marks, then that’s just fine.

  3. Oh. I got the belt.

    Mom would say the classic “you just wait until your father comes home”

    I’de tremble when he started to take it off..

    haha. But you know what? I deserved it.

  4. I’m with you on most of it, but episode #3 should have gotten you an award, not a whoopin’.

  5. …and I don’t spank my kids.

    I get tired too quickly so I hired a guy.

  6. You deserved what you got, kiddo!

  7. I’m quite impressed that you could poop on demand – per #3 and I too think that should have earned an award instead of punishment like it would at any frat house.

  8. Yeah, golden showers? At an early age? That gets the belt.

  9. As a kid , I got the bare ass – hand spank.

    As an adult, I have to pay extra for it.

  10. Wow, these are some good comments. Damon made me LOL, as did Sinister Dan. I’m flattered that there are those of you who think I deserved an award for #3. How ’bout a leg lamp? That’s the type of Major Award I’d prefer.

  11. I got it maybe two or three times that I could remember. (I probably have sublimated the rest.) Practically every time it it happened was a situation where as far I was concerned didn’t get fair warning. Very interesting to hear all these sore tails. (misspelling intended)

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