Owen isn’t like the rest of us. He’s chill. Cool, even. Hangs out with his thumb in his mouth and watches the rest of us worry about whether floors are clean, homework is done, mail is opened, bills are paid, dogs are fed, and the thermostat is set at an adequately uncomfortable level.
I used to worry he was going to grow up to find solace in the bud, but now I think he’s already started.
Sometimes he’s content to just sit in the corner and stare at the bushes swaying below him, taking in the flowing colors. Or is he planning where to plant his next stash?
When I asked him about his porch-staring-practice, he gave me the Ghost of Christmas Future. I followed his silent point toward my stack of CDs and saw it: “The Chronic” by Dr Dre.
He eats like Sally Struthers after an African fundraiser. Look at that pile of shit: beets, beans, Cheerios. Ain’t no way a lucid person mixes that together and consumes it. The kid is totally stoned.
Perhaps most telling is his lack of libido. Everyone knows THC lowers libido. When we heard we were having a boy last year, neighbors with sons guaranteed I’d get baptized as soon as he got a boner and pissed all over us. But Owen doesn’t get boners. His little wanker remains calmly flaccid during changings. Even as he quietly hums “Box of Rain” to himself, there are no streams.
Owen laughs for no apparent reason. Sometimes, he follows a chuckle with “dooooo,” which is 10-month-old for “Dude.”
Owen can’t keep a job.
Owen sleeps almost all day.
Owen hides under the bed whenever I put on a suit.
Owen has been known to gnaw on the dog’s chew bone.
Because Owen loves marijuana.
Worst of all, he bogarts it all from you.
.-= always home and uncool´s last blog ..Weight For It =-.
beets, beans and cheerios is like my favoritest meal EVAR.
.-= ChurchPunkMom´s last blog ..The Lacey Blanket =-.
Don’t you know someday your kid is going to grow up and his friends are going to google him and they’ll make fun of him and say “OWEN! My GOD! You used to smoke pot when you were a baby!”???
And then he’ll be the coolest SOB in school.
.-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..Who Put Me In Charge Of These Children? =-.
It would be obvious even to the most casual observer that your adorable son is a stoner. I bet he hides his stash in the last place anyone would care to look — his diaper.
.-= JD at I Do Things´s last blog ..I Can Tap That so you don’t have to =-.
But does he love his mommy and daddy enough to share?
Owen’s the cutest stoner I’ve ever seen. The “Ghost of Christmas Future”… that’s funny!
.-= Chris´s last blog ..Almost Badass =-.
Duuuude. Dude? Duuuude.
.-= Carolyn Online´s last blog ..A trip through my camera. =-.
By god I think you are on to something there
You left out the most important factoid: He totally has stoner hair, too.
You know, if Child Services finds this blog it’s all over. Em and Maddie and Owen can then come live with me so win-win there. 🙂
Blogger’s boy baby bogarts bud. Boner baptism banal.
At least he doesn’t have his eye on the Old Man’s Maker’s Mark. Yet.
He learned it from watching you, OK? He learned it from watching YOU!
Is he going to be singing Afroman’s “Because I Got High” when he gets older? I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the first song you teach him. 🙂
.-= unfinishedrambler´s last blog ..Meandering Monday #36: My special cup, Caffeine Free Mountain Dew (WTF?) and Children Of… =-.
Owen is totally going to write a doctoral dissertation on the chemical composition of marijuana and belly button lint.
.-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Different =-.
Owen’s going to kick your ass when he gets a bit bigger and taller than you. That shouldn’t take long, because from what I hear around the internets you’re remarkably short. Rumours, I know, but still.
I wish I was a 10 month old. Looks like easy living.
.-= A Free Man´s last blog ..Today was good. Today was fun. =-.
You know, you really have to envy Owen. What a life!
.-= SurprisedMom´s last blog ..Conversations =-.
i’m so glad that you’re OK with being a parent of a young stoner 🙂 damn, he’s so cute doing it too.
Call the fucking American Drug Council RIGHT NOW and get that kid on some public service announcement commercials ’cause all signs point to him being the perfect posterchild for potheads everywhere.
(Although he’s a little too cute to be on anti-drug posters. Maybe he should be on the legalize marijuana billboards. Who could contest that face?)
.-= Undomestic Diva´s last blog ..The New Face of Team Moms Everywhere =-.
@AlwaysHome, I think you’re right. And that is the worst.
@ChurchPunkMom, Meaning you like the hydroponic, right?
@MissBritt, He’d be the coolest kid in school anyway, because he’s mine.
@JD, He’s totally riding dirty.
@Dave, No, he doesn’t. Sadly.
@Chris, He is…except when he squeaks and points at tombstones.
@Paige, Not so much “on to” something as just “on something.”
@Jett, Great observation! He totally does.
@Countessa, That’s very kind of you. Will you allow Maddie’s coke habit?
@AvatG, Pot, pills, placebos? Psh.
@Semky, Great point…at least he leaves my booze alone!
@PrettyBride, That hurts a little. And we all know he watches you more.
@UnfinishedRambler, I taught him some Cypress Hill already. I’ll add your suggestion directly.
@CoalMiner’sGD, If he can open his eyes wide enough, he will, I’m sure.
@FreeMan, Why do you sling spew at me from across the world? I saw your comment on Coal Miner’s GD. Not cool.
@SurprisedMom, We all envy him. Like, a lot.
@EMacGrass, He does make it look appealing, doesn’t he? It’ll catch up eventually, though.
@UndomesticDiva, Any idea what that task force pays? ‘Cause I’ll pimp him if it’ll cover the mortgage.
He can totally hang out with the Moose, and they can blow raspberries at each other. Much to my dismay, Moose appears to be more of a boisterous frat boy than a mellow stoner.
.-= Maria´s last blog ..zombies =-.
Is his middle name Dupree?
.-= califmom´s last blog ..I Should Tell The Neighbor =-.
child protective services: hello?
me: yeah it’s ms picket
CPS: what up?
me: fuck it, it’s funny.
.-= ms picket to you´s last blog ..Middle Aged Woman Called Me A Dolt** =-.
He could probably use some of this:
Man. Owen and I have a tremendous amount in common, right down to the thumb sucking and staring at the corner. In fact, the one I’m fixated on now appears to be cracking slightly near the baseboard. Wait. We have an ant. Yes! This is about to get very interesting. Gotta go. I’ll let everyone know how it turns out.
.-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Judd Nelson killed John Hughes and it’s probably my fault =-.
He’s so cute! At his age it’s better he’s eating the stash vs. smoking it. It will help keep his lungs healthy. Or something like that.
.-= Twenty Four At Heart´s last blog ..Hawaii – Day 11 =-.
I think it may be time for an intervention, including lots of tummy raspberries and irritating baby talk. It’s the only way he’ll learn.
.-= LiteralDan´s last blog ..12 steps over to the CPR table, 1 step back in shock… =-.
Okay, I shall suspend your asshat status, pending further investigation, simply because you have an adorable son.
However, may I just observe that your taste in music is questionable. Dr. Dre? Puh-leeze. If Owen is going to be a stoner, at least give him some Jimmy Cliff to listen to.
.-= Jan´s last blog ..Well…Farkle =-.
@Maria, That IS too bad. Owen’s sis is the same way.
@CalifMom, No, but he can always change it in a few years, if that’s more befitting his goals in life.
@MsPicket, Thanks for hanging up and letting us off the hook.
@SecretAgentMom, He could absolutely use that! But I’m not sharing.
@MayoPie, Somehow, I’m not surprised one bit.
@24atHeart, I love your optimism. Most parents would be upset by a pot lover <1year old!
@LiteralDan, Maybe. Or, rehab.
@Jan, You don't love Dre? What about Snoop? *shakes fist*
@Yvette, I wish it were medicinal, but it ain't.
Maybe it’s medicinal? Start to worry when he begins to celebrate 4/20.
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