We’re having a boy in a few months, and I’m a little tired of hearing that I’ll be “baptized” soon. Apparently, this means that when I remove Future Baby’s diaper, the cool air will encourage him to piss all over me. Thus, the “baptism.” What a crap euphemism. It’s usually used by young women who are aunts but not mothers.
See, I’ve already been pissed on, and I’ve already been baptized. I don’t confuse the two events. I was 18 when i got pissed on. It was during “hell week” in college. It was not all that enjoyable. I was in junior high when I was baptized. I had the support of my parents and the sentimentality of my Sunday School teacher. I was the center of attention. Therefore, it was enjoyable.
People who refer to getting a golden shower from their babies as “baptism” can shampoo my balls. I know you think you’re cute, but see, you’re really not. You’re just trying to use humor to cover your shortfalls and failings. I won’t forget. I don’t lose my keys or skip a day on my morning vitamin. And I won’t let my baby piss all over me in the morning when I go upstairs to change his diaper.
So, here’s how I envision a conversation this winter with someone I don’t know well who learns we’ve just had a baby boy:
Random Woman: Oh, congratulations! So…you been BAPTIZED yet?
Me: He, He. I sure have. I like it! I usually sing “We Shall Overcome” as I get thrown back into the wall. It’s just like Birmingham in the nursery these days!
Random Woman: Oh my…I…well…
Me: Yeah, see, having a firehose for a pecker is, apparently, hereditary. Come close, and I’ll show you.
Random Woman runs away.
If you like stories about getting firehosed, give props to Muskrat on this funny blog.