Gratuitously offensive Neighborhood

social media is for losing friends and offending people

facebook

So I get a “friend” request from some woman named Brooke Beamer on Facebook.  I click “ignore.”

A week later (this evening), she requests my friendship again, but she adds this note:

I’m not sure if this is the Moe I’m looking for. I’m looking for a friend from Camp Winnataska who has a sister named Mindy. Is that you? If not, just ignore this request!

I still don’t know who the hell this is, but I’m certainly not going to ignore her request.  So, I write back:

Wait…Brooke?  Camp W?  We went streaking together, right?  And then you sucked my dick?

I didn’t expect a reply, but I got one:

Moe, your response really offended me.  Clearly, you’re not the Moe I knew from camp W.  I’m sorry I ever tried to reconnect with him and met you.

Feeling contrite, I write again:

I’m sorry, too.  I much prefer the way we “connected” last time we were together!  Whoever the Moe is you’re pursuing has mushy little green pea balls and isn’t worthy of your Facebook friendship, you little sex kitten, you!  Stay off my furniture, bad kitty!  Meow!  Meow!

She hasn’t written back, but I’ll bet she gets a good chuckle from the memories.

***

Then, I get a message on my neighborhood listserv saying this:

Please help!
Dixie went missing on Friday during the storm. She is brown/tan with a
black muzzle and about 155lbs. She is very shy and afraid of men. Please
call Katey.  Here is a photo:
dog

So, being the good neighbor that I am, I “reply all” with this:

I didn’t look at the picture, but Dixie sounds like my mother-in-law.  She’s in Montgomery and is fine.  She really hates that nickname, though, so quit fucking using it, okay?

And then she replies:

Whoa!  I know we’ve been joking today but in this case can we keep in mind there is a scared pup and her very worried family out there? I hate to be a downer but I was the one who suggested they post the notice about their missing dog here because of the close proximity and all the dog lovers in the neighborhood.

So, feeling contrite, I respond, again via “reply all” email:

I just backed my car over Dixie.  By the way, quit screwing around with James while his wife is in Afghanistan, you loose, loose hussy you.  And your email?  It’s full of run-on sentences.  No wonder you got laid off and can’t find work!

She hasn’t responded yet, but I’m certain I’ll make everyone smile with my silliness.

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50 Comments

  1. I think I just peed a little. I’ve got some big love for the Muskrat. Big love.

    Oh and that dinner I suggested in Pretty Bride’s honor next year during BlogHer? She totally deserves it.
    .-= Brenda-SeriouslyMama´s last blog ..“Men… Can’t live with ‘em, can’t shoot ‘em.” =-.

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  2. Thank you for this. I really needed the laugh.
    .-= Staceylt´s last blog ..Panic =-.

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  3. Great stuff! Blew milk out my nose.

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  4. You are very bad. Very very bad. But I love it
    .-= paige´s last blog ..The Clampetts go to Chicago =-.

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  5. I like the poster, complete with adorable picture announcing a “Kitten” has been FOUND: Yellow, brown spots. Found Tuesday, May 17th near 4th and Elm. It was delicious!
    .-= NukeDad´s last blog ..Night In The Ruts =-.

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  6. I suspect that you can lose friends and offend people without the help of Facebook.
    .-= A Free Man´s last blog ..Well I think I see another side, maybe just another light that shines =-.

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  7. You and my husband would get along really well.

    I’m not sure how I feel about that…
    .-= Jan´s last blog ..Take Two and Call Me in the Morning =-.

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  8. This. Is. CLASSIC!!!

    I just started my “Facebook” account too …

    hmmmm ….
    .-= LOBO´s last blog ..In the Symphony of Dissonance =-.

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  9. The house across the street is for sale. Wanna be my new neighbor?
    .-= Candice´s last blog ..First razors, now this? =-.

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  10. I *heart* the Muskrat and all his inappropriateness.

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  11. Yes, you too can be a douchebag on the Internet! All it takes is a keyboard and a sense of entitlement!

    Act now and we’ll throw in a free wordpress install!

    Simply “reply all” to this message with your snarkiest comeback, why be an asshat to just one person when everyone can join in!

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  12. Finally! Someone who is even more inappropriate than I am! It’s such a relief!
    .-= Twenty Four At Heart´s last blog ..Miscellaneous Moments & BTW The Torturer’s Back =-.

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  13. your contrite responses are straight out of emily post.
    .-= flutter´s last blog ..Vampires are hot =-.

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  14. they’ll either find you funny or find you and beat the ever-loving crap out of you… tomato, tomahto
    .-= SciFi Dad´s last blog ..Teething =-.

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  15. OK, you can make fun of the hussy from the FB request, but I have to put my foot down when it comes to . . . aw, never mind. It’s all funny. Perhaps you could get a job writing for this site?

    http://dontevenreply.com/

    You’d fit right in.
    .-= JD at I Do Things´s last blog ..Old People Are Ruining My Life so you don’t have to =-.

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  16. I’m off to friend Brooke Beamer on Facebook. I like girls on the rebound.
    .-= LeSombre´s last blog ..Ask Canadia’s Blogger (2) =-.

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  17. Awesome. I don’t know if I would have the nads to reply like that – what with being such an innocent and sensitive guy and all. But I sure like reading your responses.
    .-= Jeff´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: You May Not Want to Look Edition =-.

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  18. As someone who is sick of “reconnencting” with people I didn’t like in the first place, I think I now have a bit of a crash on you 🙂
    .-= Elisa´s last blog ..Missing you. And you and you and you. =-.

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  19. I’m new to your blog. I loved this post! Hilarious!
    Can’t wait for your next post.
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..Tag(line), You’re It! =-.

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  20. Please, please, PLEASE tell me this is a true story.

    Please.

    And also that I can call you Moe.
    .-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..You’ll pretty much just scratch your head and say “WTF? Did she buy a sailboat?” and I’ll say “no, but yes, exactly.” =-.

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  21. What is this ‘we’ business as in the ‘I know we’ve been joking today.’

    Passive-Agressive much?
    .-= Zoe Right´s last blog ..Don’t be Jealous of my Fly Rhymes =-.

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  22. Damn it.

    I just realized that there is a chance “sense of entitlement” doesn’t mean what I think it does.
    .-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..You’ll pretty much just scratch your head and say “WTF? Did she buy a sailboat?” and I’ll say “no, but yes, exactly.” =-.

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  23. Dude. That’s just wrong. So very very wrong.

    (ps-i love you for it)
    .-= Jessie´s last blog ..First =-.

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  24. @Brenda, We both appreciate it. And thanks for commenting here instead of Twitter! 🙂
    @Stacylt, Glad to hear that. Tell the Captain to stop by from time to time, if my site isn’t blocked over there!
    @Kevin, Glad to hear that, too. Milk belongs out your nose.
    @Paige, It’s okay to pull for the bad guy. We all pulled for Butch Cassidy and that Sundance Kid.
    @NukeDad, You live by a Korean restaurant? Sorry. Cats really are good.
    @FreeMan, Yes, I can. But it takes more effort, and I blush more.
    @Jan, I need more friends now that I’ve alienated all mine. Tell him to come by.
    @Lobo, Friend me. Didn’t we go to camp together, too?
    @Candice, Would love to! Is it >3 bedrooms with lower crime stats than where we are now? Oh wait. I don’t want to take another bar.
    @Countessa, Glad to hear that. Usually, you tell me I’m filthy.
    @:{|, Entitlement? From where? Anonymous pussies who comment?
    @24atHeart, I would hope so. I hate being upstaged.
    @Flutter, They are…in the appendix part that I added.
    @SciFiDad, A few folks laughed. Others were pissed. Ah well.
    @JD, Thanks for sharing! Miss Britt posted that site yesterday on Twitter…I love it. Totally my bag.
    @LeSombre, You are a wise man. Unless you stole my playbook.
    @Jeff, It’s too cold to act an ass to folks where you live. You might need to snuggle this winter, right?
    @Elisa, Welcome, then. New friends are where it’s at.
    @Lori, Not all of them are this caustic. Just the good ones.
    @Britt, Yes and yes. Like I’ve told you, I’m alone for several hours every night. It can be bad.
    @ZoeRight, Only every day.
    @Britt again, Yeah, me too. It’s too bad, really.
    @Jessie, Thank you…and the love is mutual.

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  25. I think you just became my best friend. I thought I had read funny before but this shit takes the cake.

    Genious!
    .-= Keyona´s last blog ..Parenting Assessment =-.

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    muskrat Reply:

    New best friends rock. So much better than Facebook friends from camp who WON’T admit to past adventures in oral sex.

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  26. Mother in law. Priceless.

    Feckin’ priceless.
    .-= Xbox4NappyRash´s last blog ..Secrets – Part One =-.

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    muskrat Reply:

    My wife didn’t think so. But I thought it pretty damned funny.

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    Xbox4NappyRash Reply:

    The wife’s displeasure only adds to the hilarity.

    Wish I could do that.
    .-= Xbox4NappyRash´s last blog ..Secrets – Part One =-.

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    muskrat Reply:

    Oh, you can do that! But you probably shouldn’t.

  27. Awesome…I wish I had the cahones to do that.
    .-= Matt´s last blog ..The MTN (Mountain West sports network) channel review =-.

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    muskrat Reply:

    @Matt, you totally do…I think I have a picture somewhere here.

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  28. I wonder how many inappropriate friend requests Brooke will get after this post? hehe.

    “Hi Brooke. Didn’t I used to stick my finger in your belly button back in summer camp?”

    “Hi Brooke. Two questions: My son wants to know what summer camp your daughter goes to and does the apple fall far from the tree or not?”
    .-= Chris C´s last blog ..The Daily Crazy High School Bus Ride =-.

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    muskrat Reply:

    @Chris, I hope so. These inquiries are hilarious, and I’d hate to see them not get used!

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  29. God damn. I snorted and wine zapped my nose. Thanks, fucker.
    .-= Secret Agent Mama´s last blog ..Right On, AJWright =-.

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    muskrat Reply:

    @SecretAgentMama, You’re welcome. I’ll bet that stung.

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  30. Pingback: Twitter Trackbacks for social media is for losing friends and offending people | Father Muskrat [fathermuskrat.com] on Topsy.com

  31. Well it says right up front that sometimes you say things that are inapporpriate. Maybe all of your emails should start out with that disclaimer too.
    .-= Carolyn Online´s last blog ..Ding. Dong. =-.

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    muskrat Reply:

    @CarolynOnline, You’re right! It’s like caveat emptor, but for readers. Now I wish I knew Latin.

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  32. This might be one of my favorite posts ever. You should submit it for an award.
    .-= Belle´s last blog ..One of Those Days… =-.

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    muskrat Reply:

    How does one submit for an award? The times I’ve won, someone else submitted for me. Thanks for the props!

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  33. freakin hilarious. i ended up having to unsubscribe to my neighborhood listserve because it was soooo trite and people were such assholes. maybe i would’ve stayed if anyone there had your sense of humor 🙂

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    muskrat Reply:

    I remember when you first signed on, and I warned you that you’d likely get frustrated with it after a while! Sorry!

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  34. I’m giving you the highly-coveted Prefers Her Fantasy Life with Muskrat award for this one.

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    muskrat Reply:

    That IS highly coveted! Thanks for the love!

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  35. I can’t imagine why you don’t have more friends on Facebook and followers on Twitter. At least, you respond to them.
    .-= unfinishedrambler´s last blog ..From 100 percent dissolution to 7 percent solution =-.

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  36. Sometimes I read you, and I think…I would say the EXACT same thing. It’s like you’re me, in boy form. LOVE IT!
    .-= brittany´s last blog ..Carrie, if you are reading this? I am sorry. And also, your husband sounds totally hot. =-.

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  37. You would love http://dontevenreply.com – sounds right up your alley! 🙂

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  38. OK Muskrat, besides your chuck-e-cheese post this has to be my favorite! Will you be my internet husband? 😉
    jade´s last blog post ..TMI Facebook

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    muskrat Reply:

    @jade, Sure!

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