So I get a “friend” request from some woman named Brooke Beamer on Facebook. I click “ignore.”
A week later (this evening), she requests my friendship again, but she adds this note:
I’m not sure if this is the Moe I’m looking for. I’m looking for a friend from Camp Winnataska who has a sister named Mindy. Is that you? If not, just ignore this request!
I still don’t know who the hell this is, but I’m certainly not going to ignore her request. So, I write back:
Wait…Brooke? Camp W? We went streaking together, right? And then you sucked my dick?
I didn’t expect a reply, but I got one:
Moe, your response really offended me. Clearly, you’re not the Moe I knew from camp W. I’m sorry I ever tried to reconnect with him and met you.
Feeling contrite, I write again:
I’m sorry, too. I much prefer the way we “connected” last time we were together! Whoever the Moe is you’re pursuing has mushy little green pea balls and isn’t worthy of your Facebook friendship, you little sex kitten, you! Stay off my furniture, bad kitty! Meow! Meow!
She hasn’t written back, but I’ll bet she gets a good chuckle from the memories.
Dixie went missing on Friday during the storm. She is brown/tan with a
black muzzle and about 155lbs. She is very shy and afraid of men. Please
call Katey. Here is a photo:
So, being the good neighbor that I am, I “reply all” with this:
I didn’t look at the picture, but Dixie sounds like my mother-in-law. She’s in Montgomery and is fine. She really hates that nickname, though, so quit fucking using it, okay?
And then she replies:
Whoa! I know we’ve been joking today but in this case can we keep in mind there is a scared pup and her very worried family out there? I hate to be a downer but I was the one who suggested they post the notice about their missing dog here because of the close proximity and all the dog lovers in the neighborhood.
So, feeling contrite, I respond, again via “reply all” email:
I just backed my car over Dixie. By the way, quit screwing around with James while his wife is in Afghanistan, you loose, loose hussy you. And your email? It’s full of run-on sentences. No wonder you got laid off and can’t find work!
She hasn’t responded yet, but I’m certain I’ll make everyone smile with my silliness.