Baby

conveniently omitted from the “what to expect” books: the daughter who sings to her vagina.

maddie

Maddie calls her private parts her “bottom.”  I’m not sure how this practice began.  I certainly don’t talk to her about her female parts–that’s her mommy’s job.  Like disciplining her, cooking for her, clothing her, and telling her “no.”

Tonight when I got home from work and walked upstairs to take over at bath time, Maddie was standing in the knee-deep water, holding a washcloth in her right hand, looking down at herself, and singing:

Clean the bottom!  Clean the bottom!  How I like to clean the bottom!

Me: Maddie, why are you singing to your…er…private…girl parts?
Maddie
:  My bottom?
Me
:  Yeah.  I guess.  Your bottom.  Why are you signing to it while you wash?
Maddie
:  Because I am!
Me
:  I don’t think it’s appropriate–singing to your bottom.
Maddie
:  But I like it, Daddy. 
Me
:  I’m sure you do.  It’s just that, well, the nudity and the singing…I’m not sure it makes for good habits.  Have you seen “Forrest Gump” and how Jenny made her living in Memphis?
Maddie:
Me:  Yeah.  Guess not.  Forget that part about Jenny. Ready to dry off?
Maddie
(resuming with the washcloth, but dancing this time): Clean the bottom!  Clean my bottom!  See my clean bottom!
Me:  Just what I was afraid of.  You’re gonna want a pole in your room for Christmas.

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42 Comments

  1. What until she makes her butt talk. At family gatherings. Without ever having seen Pet Detective. You’ll feel the pride well like the day your mama sat you down to tell you about…well, you know.
    .-= califmom´s last blog ..Mitch Hedberg is Educational =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @califmom, That certainly sounds fun. But why you gotta always bring up the conversation with my Mama that all y’all remember but I don’t?

    [Reply]

  2. awesome.

    at least she has good hygiene? 😉
    .-= ChurchPunkMom´s last blog ..So quiet you could hear a pin drop.. =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @churchpunkmom At least.

    [Reply]

  3. So that’s what Jenny talks about when she says she did bad things? I thought she was just being a joint-smoking hippie, which she later learned was pure evil. But what do I know.

    I blame Miley!
    .-= OM´s last blog ..33. Bill and Jill =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @OM, I blame Miley for most of our societal ills.

    [Reply]

  4. In Britain they refer to the women bits as the ‘fanny’. Which is one of a dozen or so reasons that the Brits make fun of fanny pack wearing American tourists.
    .-= A Free Man´s last blog ..Kazoo, kazoo you are mine, kazoo kazoo every time =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @afreeman, Ha! I love your insight here. Not that I needed it to have disdain for the fanny pack. Hey, don’t you were crocs? So, how’s that glass house?

    [Reply]

  5. Well, if you want to start her off small, you can always get her this for Christmas.
    .-= Jan´s last blog ..And the Parties Have Been Few and Far Between =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @jan, That is truly awufl.

    [Reply]

  6. Hate to break it to you, but what your son will do to his junk during diaper changes when he’s a bit older will make this seem like a fond memory.
    .-= SciFi Dad´s last blog ..The Wedding Binder =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @scifidad, I’ve seen a little of this already. I guess it gets worse as he gets bigger?

    [Reply]

  7. And because you don’t disappoint I know you will have that pole right under the tree.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @keyona, Damn right. It’ll be a nice one.

    [Reply]

  8. At least she likes her bottom and wants to sing to it and make it happy.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @carolynonline, Is that really something to celebrate?

    [Reply]

  9. But does she have rhythm?

    Because, I mean, if she’s going to do something, she should be the absolute BEST at it – ya know?
    .-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina (or Internet) (or Mom) =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @missbritt, No and not in this instance.

    [Reply]

  10. Why not sing about it? I’m sure she sings about her nose, her feet, her fingers. It’s just a body part, like any other. She’s more likely to grow up to use those parts as Jenny did if she feels like there’s something special or dirty or shameful about them. I think any child psychologist would tell you that.

    If she starts singing about other kids’ parts, then you need to worry; but her own parts? I think that’s probably healthy.
    .-= The Big Blue Frog´s last blog ..A Very Good Blog About A Fairly Common Problem =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @bigbluefrog, Thanks for he lesson in psychology, but she doesn’t sing to other parts–just that one. In the interest of full disclosure, however, I sing to my johnson daily.

    [Reply]

    The Big Blue Frog Reply:

    Well, that is just messed up.

    I guess it could be worse. You could be vocalizing on vaginas (I’m assuming you don’t) and she could be singing about sausages. That would be über-messed-up.
    .-= The Big Blue Frog´s last blog ..A Very Good Blog About A Fairly Common Problem =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @bluefrog, Yes, that would be beyond wrong.

  11. Hygiene + singing + dancing = cool kid
    .-= Belle´s last blog ..I just want you guys to know…. =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @belle, She is cool. But a little disturbing sometimes.

    [Reply]

  12. Great. Now I’m gonna have “Clean the Bottom” stuck in my head for the rest of the day.
    .-= JD at I Do Things´s last blog ..I Get Zapped so you don’t have to =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    *JD, It really is a good little jingle to have stuck in your head.

    [Reply]

  13. Well I sing to my private parts and look how I turn…

    Oh yeah. Um, carry on.
    .-= BusyDad´s last blog ..Give a boy a cheeseburger and he’ll get a Happy Meal toy, teach him how to cook one and you’ll get a blog post =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @busydad, I think you turned out well, dude!

    [Reply]

  14. The moments are particularly uncomfortable when you’re a stepfather like when they come running out of the bathroom pointing. “LOOK! I got a fweckle on my bagina!”

    I’m sure you’ve seen this, but it may be an intermediate step to the stripper pole.

    http://www.walletpop.com/blog/2009/09/03/the-pole-dance-doll-a-little-girls-dream-or-a-parents-nightma/
    .-= CK_Lunchbox´s last blog ..My Sparkle =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @ck lunchbox, I have seen it, and I am appalled! I hope I never have to hear about freckle locations.

    [Reply]

  15. Reminds me of how I met my ex….
    .-= Xbox4NappyRash´s last blog ..No walk in the park =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @xbox4nappyrash, Really? You need to write about that, then!

    [Reply]

  16. OMG Where have you been all my life?? Your blog is AWESOME – and I’m not just singing that to my bottom. xx
    .-= Queen Katherine´s last blog ..I Hope I Don’t Hack Off Too Many People… =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @queen katherine, Thanks! It’s the material I’m handed, not the writing.

    [Reply]

  17. Both my kids sing about their privates. It’s not all that uncommon and considering how much fun they will be for them in years to come not a bad thing at all. I’d love to sing about my privates in public.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..House Cleaning Blog Style =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @Jen, That’s good to know. I think.

    [Reply]

  18. Oh the innocence of our children it goes away so quickly and that was just so funny…
    Blessings.

    Dorothy from grammology
    grammology.com
    .-= Dorothy Stahlnecker´s last blog ..Update on Miracle Kitty =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @dorothy, Her innocence went away a long time ago.

    [Reply]

  19. I came over here at the recommendation of the Queen, and I am glad I did!! How did I not know you were here also??

    I am still laughing…..

    Sounds like you have plenty of material just waiting to happen for you to write about!!

    Hope you had a great weekend!
    Take care,
    Kat 🙂
    .-= Kat´s last blog ..Music Monday – All The Single Ladies =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @Kat, Thanks for stopping by, and yes, I do.

    [Reply]

  20. But, hey. If that’s her future occupation, at least she’ll be clean. ‘Cause, you know, that’s important.
    .-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..And Here’s To You, MAJ Livingston. =-.

    [Reply]

  21. You do know that your only job as a dad is to keep your daughter off of the pole, right? You better step it up, buddy.
    .-= Faiqa´s last blog ..I’m Not A Feminist Or Anything… Again =-.

    [Reply]

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