Baby Growing up

“summer clearance” is supposed to mean a bargain, not my daughter’s stage name

oh no!

I’m worried my little girl wants to be stripper.  Every day, I crawl across 9 miles of middle fingers and ineptitude (usually 45-60 minutes), pull into the garage, carry my laptop and “homework” upstairs, open the door, and walk in to find bare girl parts.

Sometimes, they’re complemented with the feather boa I got at BlogHer.  Other times, by furry, hot pink bunny ears.  Many times, by a pair of candy apple red or leopard print high heels from Pretty Bride’s side of the overstuffed walk-in closet.  But the bare girl parts are a constant.

Today, there were no accouterments, just cooter.  She was standing in front of the stereo speakers dancing to some old INXS delivered by XM ’80s.  Bare ass shaking as Michael Hutchence told us about his Devil Inside.

Maddie:  Dance with me, Daddy!
Me:  But you’re nekkid!
Pretty Bride:  She’s not naked.  She’s nude!
Me:  Until she’s on a canvas at the High, she’s naked.  Did she have an accident?
Maddie:  No.
Me:  Then why are you runnin’ around nekkid?
Maddie:  Because I am.
Me:  I am?  Who are you, Jesus Christ?
Maddie:  Jesus loves me, Daddy.

Which got me to thinking about Jesus and his admonition against judging.  Which got me to thinking about a family reunion I attended about 25 years ago at my great grandparents’ farm in Boaz, Alabama.  And how, right when all the old folks were sitting at card tables strewn about the apple orchard eating watermelon and turnip greens and fried chicken, my little brother and I tossed off our trousers and collared shirts, sprinted down the middle of 50+ geriatric kinfolk who were catching up on Aunt Ethel’s health and Uncle Luther’s retirement, and screamed, “It’s the adventures of NAKED MAN!”

Naked Man was my alter ego.  My Hulk, as I was his David (or Bruce) Banner.  All it took was my mother’s bridge group’s settling in around their face cards and cocktails, or my father’s Gideons camp’s planning their next Bible distribution, and Naked Man would make an appearance, often trailed by his younger, considerably less well-hung accomplice, Wannabe Naked Man.

Which got me to thinking:  I’m so fucked.

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27 Comments

  1. Boaz, Alabama, has spoken of nothing else for 25 years.
    .-= Trout Towers´s last blog ..when no one’s looking =-.

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  2. Haha, you are totally fucked.
    .-= ETK´s last blog ..First they came… =-.

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  3. I really couldn’t read anything past cooter. That’s my new word. How did I ever SPEAK without that word in my vocab? Awesome. Oh, I’m so using “Jesus loves me” whenever I’m in a tight spot.

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  4. Sounds like there’s no question of paternity.
    .-= Twenty Four At Heart´s last blog ..Girl Time in Charlotte, NC =-.

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  5. This way (as a stripper) she can afford her own therapy, instead of that fund you’ll need to start.

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  6. I gave up on the whole propriety thing long ago. Now I’m happy if she’s not sitting on the carpet naked, dragging her self along.
    .-= SciFi Dad´s last blog ..A Brief History Of My Blogging =-.

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  7. dress-less delightful darling dancing depresses dear daddy.

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  8. and something about fruit falling close to trees.

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  9. Yup, I was gonna say the same thing about apples not falling far from the trees.
    .-= Jan´s last blog ..High School Is Not a Musical =-.

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  10. I think, instead of a stripper, she’ll actually be a highly tenured professor in some snooty academic field who just occasionally gets bare-ass naked and streaks through the halls.
    .-= Avitable´s last blog ..Me and the International Baccalaureate Program =-.

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  11. I think you’re fine until she asks you to put a pole in her room.

    Then I think you’d need therapy ;).

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  12. naked man doesnt get to wear a cape
    .-= Nooter´s last blog ..I Wanna Be A Cowboy =-.

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  13. I figured you were already in trouble when you put your naked ass for all the world to see, but now this story just confirms it.
    .-= unfinishedrambler´s last blog ..Going to me on this Meandering Monday (#38) =-.

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  14. Yep. Screwed you are, young padawan.

    You know it’s payback for the titty bars you wanted me to take you to (Note to Pretty Bride: I didn’t. He lost his money the goold old fashioned way – at a blackjack table.
    .-= Nancy at Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas´s last blog ..Because I care… =-.

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  15. Do you remember that Lewis Grizzard bit about the the difference between being ‘naked’ and ‘nekkid’?
    .-= A Free Man´s last blog ..Well I think I see another side, maybe just another light that shines =-.

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  16. 2 words: Snuggie payback.
    .-= NukeDad´s last blog ..Night In The Ruts =-.

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  17. Now I remember why I give family reunions in general, and those in Boaz in particular, a wide berth. As well as anything on Sand Mountain.
    .-= Jud´s last blog ..The Perfect Slice =-.

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  18. A stripper and a pot head.

    Surely your wife is starting to curse your genetic influence on her offspring.
    .-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..You’ll pretty much just scratch your head and say “WTF? Did she buy a sailboat?” and I’ll say “no, but yes, exactly.” =-.

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  19. @TroutTowers, I think you’re right. Because why wouldn’t they?
    @ETK, I’m not sure that deserves a “ha ha ha,” but if you say so…
    @Keyona, Feel free. I think it’ll do good things for ya.
    @24atHeart, I reckon you’re right. Crap.
    @Countessa, You keep bringing up therapy as if it’s a foregone conclusion. Why?
    @SciFiDad, My dog does that. Suddenly, I feel better about my daughter.
    @AvatGardener, Falling fruit? Food fight!
    @Jan, Apples should wear clothes, though, too.
    @Avitable, As long as she doesn’t join the union and the ACLU, fine.
    @Karen, Wait, that wasn’t for playing “fireman”?
    @Nooter, No, he doesn’t. He likes to give folks a show on the way out.
    @UnfinishedRambler, When I drop trou, it’s art. It’s a nude. That’s different.
    @Nancy, Whatever happened to that axiom about “what happens in Vegas…” And didn’t you help come up with that campaign? Now, you really owe me the Blackberry Tour.
    @AFreeMan, I do, and I’ve been differentiating the 2 words in that fashion ever since childhood, when I heard his explanations! I like having smart readers who grew up in the South. Both of them.
    @NukeDad, I wish you weren’t right…but, you are.
    @Jud, You’re from north AL? My folks are on lake Guntersville.
    @MissBritt, Probably. But I think it’s more nurture than nature here.
    @Lazaro, That’s awesome. I can’t wait to have conversations about balls with little Owen.

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  20. HA. Not sure what I’d do if I had girls. Probably end up like you. With my boys, our conversations are different. Like this one time I was getting out of the shower and Evan walked into the bathroom:

    Evan: Daddy what’s this? (pointing to my balls)
    Me: Well, its part of Daddy’s pee-pee
    Evan: Looks like a pee-pee ball.
    Wife looks and smirks
    Me: That it does
    Evan: Why’s it hairy?
    Me: Too many onions in my food.
    Evan: I like onions.
    Me: Well you’ll have hair too then.
    Evan: Momma, Daddy’s got a big pee-pee

    At this point I wish I was recording this whole conversation. BTW, you’re screwed.

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  21. “no accouterments, just cooter”

    Wait, Ben Jones was in your house? I’m confused.
    .-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..All in the Family =-.

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    muskrat Reply:

    @CoalMiner’sGD, I wish! He’s my favorite Congressman!

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  22. Why does the younger brother always have to be the sidekick?

    And get used to nekkid – my nine year old still comes in and strips down. And me – a prude. Why.
    .-= Carolyn Online´s last blog ..Ding. Dong. =-.

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    muskrat Reply:

    @CarolynOnline, Nekkid at 9? Oh no.

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  23. ha. We had to institute a rule that the nakedness must stay INSIDE the house.
    If you’re going outside, you need to put on underwear.
    Yes, we are strict parents here.
    .-= thepsychobabble´s last blog ..#CommentFAIL =-.

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    muskrat Reply:

    @thepsychobabble, I try to have such rules, but they are not followed.

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  24. Excellent read, Thank you for taking this opportunity to converse about this , keep up your work, webmaster !

    [Reply]

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