I have it on good authority that dad blogs are supposed to contain letters to children on their birthdays. So, a few days after the fact, here’s a letter to the lone stemmed fruit of my loins:
I remember the day you were born. I was convinced there was no way in Hell you were coming 6 weeks early, so I left your mom at the hospital, drove home, poured a bourbon on the rocks, and thought about reading some blogs or something. Then, a nurse called and said unless I wanted to miss your grand entrance, I’d best cart my ass back to the hospital. It was about 11pm. I looked at my neighbors’ houses, found one with lights still on inside, banged on their door, handed them a monitor, house key, and the alarm code, and told them to call me if they heard anyone dying inside. I drove back to the hospital and saw your tiny body slide out the birth canal like a greased piglet at a water park.
Because you were too impatient to wait for November, the hospital put you in a special room where naughty babies who refused to wait for their due dates got sent. I’d walk by every once in a while to see if you were still breathing and if you wanted to suck tit some more, and generally, the answer to both questions was “yes.” You stayed in that special room for a couple days until we figured where we’d stick you in our already-crowded house and took you home.
You were a pain in the ass for a while, but now you’ve sort of grown on me. I reckon you can stay. Happy birthday.
Brought tears to my eyes.
No, really – I’m laughing.
He’s freaking ADORABLE!!
@sybil law, Yeah, he’s okay.
yeah, the kid will grow up and say, my Dad-that man was a poet!
@Mrs Hall, I’m sure that’s exactly what he’ll say.
That was awesome. Well played, sir. Well played indeed.
@jason, Thanks for your sincere nudging.
Awwww. You’re a big softee.
@homemaker man, Like Hell.
How long until he can be moved into forced labor around the house? Surely you’ll appreciate him even more once he’s mowing the grass, painting the house, and tilling the crops?
@dave2, Absolutely. The crops in urban Atlanta are plentiful.
That’s so sweet. I told my youngest about the time I found out I was pregnant with him, that he was a pleasant surprise. Not that I sat at the kitchen table crying and having my last cigarette for 9 months.
@sue, Ha! That’s why I’m glad babies don’t rely on me for sustenance. I can poison myself every day!
“I’d walk by every once in a while to see if you were still breathing and if you wanted to suck tit some more”
Just like his buddies will do in college after a night of partying.
Happy Birthday, little muskrat.
SciFi Dad, I hope so.
I’ll trade you 1 4month old boy for your (hopefully pottytrained) cutie.
@keyona, He’s not even close to potty-trained. And, we have a 4-month-old as well, so… no.
Thank you for the reminder to take my pill. Ah birthdays the days we all get to celebrate getting expelled from our mothers uterus. I especially enjoyed the greased piglet reference.
@Siren, You’re welcome. I’m big into PSAs.
This is possibly the best ‘Happy Birthday to my child’ post I’ve ever read.
@raven-smiles, Thanks! I assume you’ve read thousands, right?
Poor Lola is pretty much screwed at this point. Heh.
@Countessa, More than likely, yes.
Oh, for crying out loud, that kid is cute. No wonder you can’t stay mad at the little greased piglet for showing up early.
@JD, I try, but I fail.
Okay, you’ve let him sponge off you long enough. Time for him to get a job.
@grant, I agree…property taxes suck!
Is there a special room at the hospital for naughty fathers? And happy belated birthday, Owen!
@CMG, If there were, I’d have a plaque in there.
What a sweet boy (the 2 year old)! I’m wondering if that’s his bedroom in the background…just sayin’..I know your house is small! 🙂
@Jade, Yes, he stays in the pantry. Bi-atch.
ha! such a good birthday letter.
and dang, that kid’s CUTE!
@little elle, Right on both–thanks!
i don’t mean to stroke your massive ego, but i feel compelled to say the following:
the snarky style is so prevalent b/c every tom, dick, and harry thinks he/she can write it well.
but most of them can’t. and if they don’t believe me, all they’d need to do is read any of your posts and they’d see that their shit stacks up poorly compared to the real McCoy.
clever, funny, and strangely tender stuff.
PS — your coach gobbles up dick pills by the handful. hourly.
@JCO, This might have been my favorite comment ever. Until you ruined it with your nasty Big Orange insecurity barb.
@Ann, Indeed, he does. Normally, his own.
I’m late to the party, but, wow… he’s beautiful. Happy birthday.
@faiqa, He says “thank you.” I think.
I’m way late but I had to say your letter to child was awesome. Much better than all the others.
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