things i’ve written lately that weren’t in the blogosphere

To a blogging friend: “Why are so many good folks I know losing their marriages this year? I’m really sorry.”

To Craigslist: “If you make words plural by using an apostrophe, please do not apply for this position.”

To a colleague: “I used to spend 10 hours on a paper to get an ‘A’ instead of a ‘B’. Now, I spend 10 hours on a paper so that a young man can get a check for $32,000 and access to medical care.”

To a blog commenter: “I think the 20+ glue traps and 10+ bags of poison have taken care of them, but if one of the little bastards shows up again, I’ll certainly call your husband. Thanks for your concern.”

To our 15 yo: “I’m not accusing you of engaging in this type of behavior, but I want you to read this article so that you can instruct folks around you of the legal consequences of their actions, as I’m certain many of them will engage in this behavior.”

To Pretty Bride: “At some point, you’re going to have to decide whether you want some batshit crazy bitch who had an extra $50,000 the opportunity to dilute your brand.”

To my work wife: “I don’t care anymore if I can afford it, when I’m working 10 hour days and can’t tell you how many cases I have any more, I need to pull the trigger on hiring full-time help. Finally.”

To my 4yo: “I know you like to surprise Daddy by crawling into the bed at 6am and then crawling across him, but Daddy has tender parts that don’t like your knees. At all.”

To an additional writing invitation: “I’d love to, but I have a huge fear of commitment when it comes to blogging these days. Have too many balls in the air.”

To another writing invitation: “Let me think about it. I wrote one post about it. I don’t know that I’m ready to tell the whole story yet.”

To Twitter:  “I guess I can’t have ‘cock ring Friday’ if I’m having visitors in the office, can I?”

To a friend I’ve had since ’83:  “I would never tell you this sober, but you two monkeys are two of my favorite people in this God-forsaken world of ours.  Stay cool.  Stay cool forever.”

To a prospective client:  “Having your manager take a shit in the bathroom you’re cleaning after you ask him to please wait until you finish is likely awkward and undesirable, but it’s hardly a reason to sue your employer.”

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  1. yeah. sometimes the best writing is in off-blog.

    hey, can look at me! making words up!


  2. I like to say that life is what happens when you’re not blogging, and is usually much more interesting. Thanks for proving my point. 🙂

  3. What if the shit REALLY stinks?

  4. I would tease you about the apostrophe thing again, but then you’d probably go ballistic.
    Cock ring Friday sounds awesome!

  5. cock ring friday sounds like a hit to me. i don’t know about you, but i get crazy amounts of shit done when i’m rockin’ my prince albert.

    though, i will say, some men find that the dribble caused by the PA necessitates sitting down to urinate. said dribble is not caused by the hole made during piercing, but rather by urine traveling along the surface of the jewelry.

    happy to help. i may or may not have lifted the preceding paragraph from wikipedia. tough to say.

    funny stuff, muskrat.

    • @JCO, You’re kinda sick, dude! I wasn’t talking about the piercing…I was talking about the thing you see on the walls of the gas stations along I-75 that are supposed to make you last longer, see?
      Got your book, by the way. Hoping for a plane ride soon, so I can read it!

  6. Hey, if you’re going to have “Cock Ring Friday” I may have to have “Bedazzled Vajayjay Thursday.”

  7. @CMG, Please do. Euphoria loves company.

  8. You had me at “cock ring Friday”. And the majority as well, it seems. 🙂

    (You really had me at the “To a colleague” line – you’re a good man, Muskrat.)

  9. I’ve got nothing witty to say, but I did enjoy reading this post.

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