Baby

desperately seeking schlong

On Friday, I saw my little 1-year-old take his first steps.  I.  Not We.  Which was nice, because I was 8 timezones away when my little girl took hers.  He’s gone back to scooting now, though.  It fits his personality more to scoot along the ground on one hand and his ass while looking up to someone else to carry him across steps and thresholds.

We rather like our little boy.  He’s chill and fairly quiet and easy.  His smile makes strangers smile.  People who don’t like kids like him.

It’s not that we don’t love the girls…it’s just that…they’re a bit of a pain in the ass.  Higher maintenance.  Louder.  Messier.

This is why I cleared my calendar this morning to leave my office early and get to Emory in time to watch the ultrasound and find out we were having another just like him.  This is why I priced “It’s a boy!” vinyl banners that I’d wear like a trenchcoat for the next 5 months.  Only, we aren’t having a boy.  The picture of the little white femur was supposed to be accompanied by another little white appendage, but instead there was only blackness between the little white femurs.

We didn’t admit our disappointment until the ultrasound tech walked out and left us alone.

Pretty Bride:  “I’m sadder than I thought I’d be.”
Me:  “Yeah.  I feel like a dick being disappointed, but I am.  At least we don’t have to argue about the name, right?”
PB:  “True.  Oh well…I know we’ll love her when she comes.”
Me:  “Maybe she’ll have Owen’s personality but with Maddie’s reproductive system!  It could happen, right?  You know–like Jaime Lee Curtis, only she’ll never do a striptease in front of a future governor.”
PB:
Me:  “Maybe they’re wrong…maybe he’s just tucking right now.  You know, putting the lotion in the basket and dancing around with his little pecker all tucked away for no one to see, just to fuck with us!”
PB:  “That is the sickest comment you’ve ever made.”
Me:  “Don’t piss on my parade.  He’s totally gonna grow balls next week.  It’ll be his Christmas present to us.  He’s all ‘Check it out!  I  had balls the whole time!  See how cool I am with my big, bouncy balls!'”
PB:  “Fetuses don’t sprout penises in the second trimester.”
Me:  “Ordinary fetuses don’t.  But my spawn is far from ordinary.  He’s probably just a late bloomer.  In fact, I’m certain the next time we see him, he’ll be on his way toward blog interviews about his giant member like his old man.”
PB:  “Your wife must be very proud.  Wherever she is.”

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24 Comments

  1. That. just. happened.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @PB, Shake and bake?

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  2. manly major muskrat misses making more miniature men. mama mopes. More Maker’s Mark, ma’am.

    (my dad used to say “it takes one hell of a man to knock the balls off a fetus”. i wonder if that is any comfort to you?)

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    muskrat Reply:

    @avatgardener, A little.

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  3. Could be sort of true. I know plenty of women with balls.
    .-= headbang8´s last blog ..Fake, But Sincere. Part One. =-.

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    muskrat Reply:

    @headbang8, As do I!

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  4. I have three boys, no girls. The littlest boy is 4 and ORNERY. Not placid, happy and cool like your boy spawn. My older boys are asking for a little sister because they see friends with sweet, well-behaved little girls in the house. I don’t know… my husband says, “stereotypes are a time-saver”, but I think the boy/girl thing is personality dependent. This little girl could be “placid, happy and cool” like her brother. Congratulations again!
    .-= Chris´s last blog ..Up In Smoke =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @chris, Thanks for the pep talk…I’ll be optimistic!

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  5. Alternate theory: your ultrasound tech was an idiot and showed you the armpit, where there should be no appendages.

    Keep hope alive!
    .-= SciFi Dad´s last blog .."It’s Christmas" =-.

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  6. @scifi dad, Thanks for the vote of confidence!

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  7. Just wait until your fifth kid – I’m sure he’ll be a boy. Or the sixth.
    .-= Avitable´s last blog ..Soundtrack of my life =-.

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    muskrat Reply:

    @avitable, Dick.

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  8. HA! I love that you can be candid about this. Maybe a little too candid. It sounds pretty unlikely, but I’ll keep my fingers crossed for those big bouncing balls.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @JD, Thanks. Maybe “too candid” is right, but hey, isn’t that what the internet is for?

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  9. “Where ever she is..” Ah hahahahahaha!!!

    Congrats on your little girl. 😉

    I admit, even though I already had 3 boys and 1 girl, I was a little sad that my 5th was a girl. I’m greedy like that. Boys are rad.
    .-= ChurchPunkMom´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

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    muskrat Reply:

    @church punk mom, 5th? Wow. I forgot y’all had so many. Must be nice during the Iowa snows–lots of shovelers.

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  10. Just treat her like a boy anyway. And then if you’re lucky, she’ll man up when she’s 3 or so.

    (That’s OK, my comment doesn’t make sense to me, either.)
    .-= Margaret´s last blog ..Goat Thing of the Day: A Baaaad Pick Up Line =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @margaret, I don’t think I want her to do that.

    [Reply]

  11. This is a great blog you have here. I have a humor blog as well which I hope will bring laughter to people around the world. Life is hard enough. I was wondering if we could do a link exchange. Please let me know if this is possible.

    Sincerely,
    Jason
    HilariousHeadlines TALK

    [Reply]

  12. Your future bathroom time has also been reduced by about 1/3rd. I suggest extra-long bathroom sessions now, taking advantage of the time you have left.

    Might I suggest Drew Carey’s book “Dirty Jokes and Beer”. Great read while on the throne. 🙂
    .-= Chris C´s last blog ..Curious George Gets a Housing Stimulus =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @chris c, Thanks so much for the great suggestion! Noted.

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  13. “Higher maintenance and messier” – that’s just women in general. I always thought I wanted girls, but the more I think of it I’m glad I’ve got boys.

    Hope y’all had a great Christmas.
    .-= A Free Man´s last blog ..It’s that time of year when the world falls in love =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @a free man, We did…you too!

    [Reply]

  14. Pingback: i’ve never been happier to be wrong | Father Muskrat

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