Baby Gratuitously offensive Neighborhood

politically correct birthday parties are for pussies

frustrated baby

Maddie the Toddler turned 3 last weekend, so we decided to throw a “Three-esta” and invite all our neighbors with children (and a few without) for fun with quesadillas, a pinata, Fanta, and tequila. I even told everyone they could park in the front yard and wear wife-beater tank tops.

Then I got really excited about the event and started inviting friends on Facebook, only they would frequently write back with, “What should I bring?” and I replied with, “Well, it’s going to be a yard full of toddlers, so I’d say the usual–hash, blow, weed, meth–in that order of importance.” I thought this was good, clean humor, but Pretty Bride had the gall to ask if I used my Muskrat Facebook profile or, like, my real one where my clients and colleagues are, and then I realized it was the latter and that I was a dumbass.

Nevertheless, the event was a success, from what I remember.  At one point, the children were swinging at the pinata I’d hung from the basketball goal, and I suggested, in front of all the parents, the following:

Me:  “You know, we should’ve made little police uniforms for everyone.  We could put nametags on them, like Koon, Powell, and Wind right before they start whacking away at the colored bull and teach them to say, “Stop resisting!” and “Stay down, mother fucker!”
Me:  “You know, like in ’91…Los Angeles…when the…yeah.”

kalel strikes

So that didn’t go over all that well.  Shortly after the gobstoppers, now-and-laters, and double bubble gum coated our driveway, I realized that a) I was the only person at this party who was drinking and b) everyone was starting to leave.  I found both to be encouraging.


Maddie had a ball, and I think everyone from the block still likes me okay, despite the sudden retreats into front doors earlier tonight when I went for a run.  We’re already planning next year’s Nathan Bedford Four-rest party in which everyone wears sheets and hoods.  It’ll be after Memorial Day, so I’m sure it’ll be fine.

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  1. can i come next year?? pretty please?
    i can bring my brown husband! but.. should he wear a sheet thingie too? or should i tie him up and throw him in the trunk??
    .-= churchpunkmom´s last blog ..My husband likes to try and embarrass me in front of famous people, but I don’t care. EMERY!!! =-.

  2. Was whacking the pinata a hate cime? Or merely aggravated assault?
    .-= headbang8´s last blog ..The Einstein Memorial Turd =-.

  3. And apparently you will never be politically correct . . . which does get boring after awhile. I could almost hear the thud after your comment.
    How come you were the only one drinking? Didn’t you offer your neighbors anything but Fanta?
    .-= SurprisedMom´s last blog ..The Human Condition =-.

  4. Ironically, I just read a post yesterday from a dad bemoaning the fact that his child was three (and how three is so much worse than the terrible twos), and here you are celebrating it with meth and mescaline.

    Actually, now it kinda makes sense.
    .-= SciFi Dad´s last blog ..The Cottage Life =-.

  5. avatgardener

    Proud Papa posts pretty party pictures. Participants pass (on) punch and pot, preventing puking. Pinata pile-up. Post party, parents pretend pleasantness.
    Poor Pretty-bride.

  6. You are seriously disturbed.

    Should I put a smiley face after that?

    Oh, I should. 🙂

    But really…you are disturbed.

  7. Pretty Bride

    Dear avatgardner,

    THANK YOU for your sympathy. It has been well earned, I can assure you.

    The quesaTHREEas were spectacular, though.

  8. CPM, Absolutely! Our brown next door neighbors had fun, so all are encouraged to participate.

    Headbang8, Both, if interpreted the right way, which is why “hate crimes” scare me as an enforceable crime by the gov.

    SurprisedMom, I think one guy had a beer. Maybe b/c it started before noon on a Sunday?

    SciFiDad, It absolutely makes sense.

    AvatG, You sound like you have experience with such party hosting. From the Navy days, I’d guess?

    Lisa, But I don’t *feel* disturbed. My dog likes me.

    PB, They were outstanding, thanks to you (and the neighbor who noticed we forgot to man the grill and rescued the chicken).

  9. I like that, even at three, she holds that bat like she means business.

    Our new neighbor is a Baptist minister, so my internal censor yells NO! NO! OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO! a lot when I open my mouth.
    .-= Shieldmaiden1196´s last blog ..Chutes and Ladders =-.

  10. I love it !!! I have a Nathan Bedford FOUR-rest print and sculpture if you need it
    !! And my brother is the the SCV so I am sure h could provide party favors, LOL !!
    .-= Kim´s last blog ..4 months =-.

  11. Don’t you hate when nobody gets a funny joke?

    Sucks cause a good follow-up would have been to pretend the pinata was saying: “can’t we all just get along?”
    .-= Chris Cameron´s last blog ..The 40th Anniversary of the Moon Landing =-.

  12. “Nathan Bedford Four-rest”

    Me: (On the outside) :: Clucking my tongue:: That is so bad, shame on you.
    Me: (On the inside) Bwahahahahahahaha!
    .-= Faiqa´s last blog ..37 Weeks and Counting: A Bullet Post =-.

  13. Too funny. I have a ritual with some of the other dads at our kids parties that involves beer and solo kids. We drink wherever we are, whether at someone’s home, at the park, at the roller rink, at the Pump it Up, Gymboree – venue is unimportant.

    That said, if you try the pinata thing in my neck of the woods the SCLC and Al Sharpon would probably be in the driveway within moments of the candy hitting the tarmac.
    .-= Jud´s last blog ..15 Books =-.

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