Childhood Journals

from the vault: Friday, July 17, 1989 (the day i crapped in a sauna)

Today we went to Capitol Reef National Park.  Then we went to Arches National Park.  In Capitol Reef we saw 11 deer.  We saw a black bull next to the road.  Dad moo’d at it, and it looked at us real weird.  I took a picture of him.  Tomorrow we will go to Colorado.  We are staying in Canyonland 6 motel.  It has an indoor pool and sauna.  We went in the sauna for 15 minutes then jumped in the cool water.  It felt real good.  It was 150 degrees in the sauna.
The above is what I wrote in my journal 20 years ago during a trip my family took from Nashville to Disneyland (as in Anaheim…yes, we were the Griswolds) in a tan-on-brown 1983 Suburban.  However, I left part of the story out.  Probably because I was always afraid my parents would find my notebook and ground me if I wrote something incriminating.  So here’s the rest of the story:

While my brother and I were in the sauna, I realized I had to go #2, and badly.

me:  “Kevin, I need you to get out of here for a couple minutes–I gotta crap.”
Kev:  “You’re kidding, right?  You are NOT going to take a dump in a hotel sauna while we’re on vacation, are you?”
me:  “Just get the hell out, wouldya?!”

He left.  I dropped trou and did my business.  He knocked on the door a few minutes later.

Kev:  “You done yet?”
me:  “Yeah, come on in.”
Kev:  (looking around the sauna)  “So, where is it?  Ohmygosh, it stinks in here!”
me:  (laughing)  “I squatted over the grill where the rocks are, so it wouldn’t stand out!  Isn’t that cool?”
I gloated.
Kev:  “Awesome!  Oh yeah, I think I can pick it out!  It’s bigger than the rocks are.  And less round.”
me:  “You got it.  C’mon, let’s go in the pool and wait for someone to come in here.”

We jumped in the pool, held onto the side, and waited motionless like a couple of turkey hunters.

Finally, a middle-aged man in a navy swimsuit entered the sauna with his white hotel towel.

me:  (whispering)  “Let’s see how long it takes before he comes out…”

One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Mississippi, Four Mississippi, Five Mississippi…

The man stormed out of the sauna, looking furious…and a little green.  We quickly dropped below the surface and swam underwater to the other side of the pool where there were some more kids.  He stared at the group of kids but didn’t approach, opting instead to go to the front desk.  Kevin and I quickly got out and ran to our parents’ room to hide.

I got away with it, but every time I pissed Kevin off for at least the next 5 years, he’d threaten to tell our parents about “that time you crapped in a sauna on vacation,” and I’d have to capitulate.  Every time.

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  1. Oh…the joys of a “no-wiper.”

    It probably still steamed when the guy poured water on it…just like the sauna rocks.

  2. With extortion ammunition like that you should have been invincible.

  3. Hypocritical, it did! Nastiness.

    Brent, he was–not a good thing when “he” is your little brother.

  4. Dude….ife I had a dollar for every time Ive heard that story…well, I’d have about 22 dollars. Everytime I hear it I cry….you are sick. BTW that’s hilarious, even after twenty years.

  5. I agree with GW…heard that one inumberable times…never gets old though.

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