Growing up

putting the “poo” in “pool”


On our family vacation of 1989, as you already know, I crapped in a hotel sauna and then watched some hapless man go inside for just long enough to run out and, presumably, vomit.  Well, that wasn’t the only misplaced turd I left somewhere across the American West during August 1989.  At a motel near Colorado Springs, my brother Kevin and I were swimming in the pool when I had another “rush call.”

Me:  “Um…I gotta crap…like, right now.   I’ll just do it here in the pool.”
Kev:  “NOOOOOO!  Are you sick in the head or something?”
Me (pulling down my trunks and letting nature take its unnatural course):  “No, I’m sick in the bowels.  I’d get out if I were you.”

We found some faded lounge chairs to sit on and watched my turd slowly sink towards the white bottom of the pool, finally finding a resting place near where the shallow end became the deep end.  Only, when three little kids wearing diving masks starting tossing coins into the pool to retrieve, the waves pushed it down the steep drop into the deep end where Future White Jacques Cousteau was about to dive.

Future Jacques entered the water, swam towards the shiny copper, but diverted his course when he noticed my log.   A few seconds later, he was motioning for his siblings to come join him:  “Hey you guys…come look at this!”

They all dove to the bottom towards the poop. Kevin and I watched through the water as they poked at it with their fingers and talked amongst themselves.

“Daddy, come look at this thing!” the youngest yelled to a man reading the paper on the other side of the pool.  He got up and climbed down the ladder into the water.

“Down there.  See it?”

Daddy swam to the bottom to examine my creation, picked it up, and quickly returned to the surface, setting the poo on top of the filter cover.  “Son of a–.  Who crapped in the pool?!”  He stared at the other hotel guests, who were all climbing out of the water as if its temperature had increased 100 degrees.

I knew I couldn’t look at Kevin, so I bit my tongue til I was certain it’d fork and stared at a lamppost in the opposite direction.  Kevin looked at the angry man and shrugged, his right hand covering the wry grin that made its way across his face.  The man looked disgusted, gathered his family, and walked towards the lobby.  As soon as they disappeared, we released our howls.

It was nearly lunchtime, so we headed back towards our room, but don’t think I didn’t grab a leaf, pick up my little sewer bass, and toss him back into the pool on our way out.

“You’re free now, little sewer bass.  Swim to freedom.  Swim to make another child’s day!”

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  1. duuuuuuuuude! ewwwww! ahahaha!

    chat blanc’s last blog post..Hostess from hell

  2. Today must be a poop day. I wrote about it too…well, sort of.

    unfinishedrambler’s last blog post..It’s Inappropriate Card Day, beyotches!

  3. hey! i had poop in my post too!!


    i succeeded in the exceedingly challenging task of reading this out loud to my husband.. and i laughed so hard that my head hurts. thanks. i need to go lay down..

    ChurchPunkMom’s last blog post..I apologize… well, not really.

  4. You are a twisted motherfucker.

    A Free Man’s last blog post..Late evenings by the fire with little kicks inside her

  5. I knew there was a reason I gave you that shirt with the bird shit on it.

    prefers her fantasy life’s last blog post..Thank You Mr. Liberal Unitarian English Teacher of My Tenth Grader

  6. Sewer bass? Really?

    SciFi Dad’s last blog post..An Open Letter

  7. Gross! Insert Baby Ruth joke here.
    Anyway, I mentioned you a couple of times in my post today. Don’t worry, I wasn’t talking shit about you. Pun intended.

    Kirsten’s last blog post..Kikkoman Dork

  8. Yup, your brother is right. You’re kinda sick in the head.

    Snowcaps’s last blog post..Jew-Jitsu

  9. You used a leaf because it would simply be unsanitary otherwise. Nice to know you do have a line.

    Sewer bass is my new favorite name for poo.

    BusyDad’s last blog post..Would CNET Get Soaked For You? No. But I Would.

  10. Dude, I may never go into a sauna or a swimming pool again (by the way, you might want to cut down on your fiber intake!)

    MetroDad’s last blog post..CHAOS THEORY: February 2009

  11. Just think, you may have turned one of those kids onto a very dirty fetish.

    acorn king’s last blog post..Your #1 Source for Non-Existent Elderly Smut.

  12. puts new meaning to ‘dropping the kids off at the pool’

    maggie’s last blog post..a bird named darling

  13. ChatBlac, I knew you’d be impressed.

    UnfinishedRambler, Every day is “poop day” in these parts.

    ChurchPunkMom, Glad you shared it with your man! Hope he enjoyed.

    Siren, Thanks!

    FreeMan, Thanks!

    PrefersFantasy, I appreciate it.

    SciFiDad, Yes.

    Kirsten, Thanks…I enjoyed spending the EntreCard points!

    SnowCaps, He’s bright like that.

    BusyDad, I do have standards. They’re just really low.

    MetroDad, I don’t blame you. Although, I don’t do it any more.

    AcornKing, I hope so. I like to be a giver.

    Maggie, It does, doesn’t it?

  14. Note to self: never go swimming with Father Muskrat…

  15. that is fucking rank. man, what if someone pooped in your pool? but then people piss all the time and nobody notices, but then piss is supposedly pretty sterile. Q. if you had the chance now, would you do the same again?

    SSG’s last blog post..Wake up, it’s Tuesday!

  16. Tracy Morgan says pooping in the pool is all about power.

    The Stabbing Pen’s last blog post..3/4 – “He roofied himself”

  17. Went to the rec center last night with a coworker and her 3 year old and they cleared the pool cuz of a floater. I thought of this post. Stinker.

    Swedish Skier’s last blog post..Wednesdays’ Weirdos: Kindergarten Krazy

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