I try to categorize bad news as either: 1) a problem or 2) an expense. If it’s just the latter, I can bust my ass, file a bunch of lawsuits, and make the issue go away. But if it’s the former (or if the expense is…say…$20,000 or so), great weeping and gnashing of teeth commence.
On Thursday morning, my bride was at our newly-purchased “forever house” to start painting with her mother and overseeing the kitchen renovation when she called me to say this:
We have termites.
You know when Ferris notices the odometer and mentions it to Cameron? Yeah. She mentioned something about load bearing beams and jacks, and then I realized the date was December first, meaning my month of abstinence from alcohol had ended a few hours prior, which told me all was still in God’s loving hands.
Never mind that the lead paint test came back positive, too.
So, I spent the next few hours exploring litigation options between bouts of kicking myself and sprinting through the liquor store to prepare for what’s supposed to be my favorite event of the year: my annual black tie optional Christmas party. Which would have been a difficult arena for making merriment that particular day, given its beginnings, but for a spectacular gift brought an hour into the party by a special friend:
A gift that made all care melt away among the perfectly belted homages to INXS, Crowded House, Duran Duran, and other awesomeness from our ’80s cover band.
Because problem or expense, good friends and red eyes make everything better.
You know glenn beck? Cuz I swear that’s who he looks like.
@warr3ng, I invite Mr Beck every year! And he totally comes, see?
Oh dear baby Jesus. I want to find your former owners and step on their throats.
@Amber-Lee, Yeah, well, it’s complicated. I suppose.
As I told PB, at least it couldn’t be in more capable hands. If there’s a legal avenue, you’ll prevail, I have no doubt.
@Avitable, Thanks! I think.
I’m not sure your very tall friend got the memo about your month of abstinence.
@PB, But the month is over, right?
I’ll drink to that!
Seriously. I hope you get something out of the bastards. That’s bullshit.
@S.Law, Thanks…we’ll see.
How did Pretty Bride cope?
@Britt, I hear she interrupted the guy delivering the news and showing her the tunnels so that she could walk away. There may have been tears, too.
That sucks, but the shirt is grand. Get really, really awesome, and then do what you gotta do. But get awesome first.
@busydad, It starts with being awesome.
I had termites in my house too. Thankfully we caught it early and thus had minimal damage. No lead paint though, so that is good. Now if my plumbing would just stop being difficult.
@Russ, I’m hoping for “minimal damage,” too. I like those 2 words.
You are dashing in that Bow Tie.
@William, I only wear a bow tie with a tux. Maybe I should start with my suits, yes?
Aww, fuck. Sorry about the wood-eating vermin. On the upside, even with red glowing demon eyes you look sexy!
@sweetney, Thanks. You should see them when they’re yellow, a la the end of the “Thriller” video.
Dude. Just, dude.
Drink up. I will, too. That’s how I help. You’re welcome.
@daddy scratches, Thanks for the green light.
I’m sorry about the house situation. I’ll send you guys good anti-termite juju. I get awesome, too. Hang in there, Muskrat Tribe.
@chrisy, Thanks! It’ll work out…
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