Law

why can’t you just keep your penis pump out of my christmas deposition? hell.

One of my clients lives in rural Alabama, not too far from my parents, so I had the opposing attorney schedule his deposition on the 23rd, so that I could write off the miles I would have driven anyway for Christmas, because I love baby Jesus and hate paying taxes, despite receiving a little bit of them back every time I put on a uniform for two days each month.

My client was talking about his back and his fusion surgery and how he needed another fusion surgery but the insurance company won’t pay for it, and then all of a sudden the defense counsel asked if he’d seen any other doctors in the past 5 years and he busts out with:

deponent:  “Well, when my prostate was acting funny and I kept pissing myself, I saw a urologist who gave me a penile implant or penis pump or something for my penis and now that I have this something on my penis, everything’s okay, but before, it was crooked–you know how a penis can kind of get crooked?
female defense attorney
:
deponent:  “Well anyway, when my penis got all crooked and I started pissing all sideways and all over my side and couldn’t get erected, well this doctor, he stuck a pros-thee-sis thing on my penis and next thing I know I got a new penis top and it seems to work just fine now!”
me (
noticing the apparent discomfort in opposing counsel and marveling at the number of times I’ve just heard ‘penis’ during a deposition that should not involve penises):  “Can you describe the sideways lean for us?”

Because I like to help opposing counsel take a thorough deposition.

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26 Comments

  1. Thanks for a much needed laugh! : )
    .-= Twenty Four At Heart´s last blog ..What Are The Holidays Like At 24’s House? =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @24 at Heart, You’re welcome. I’m a giver.

    [Reply]

  2. I always wonder if things like this happen up North or only in the Southern states 🙂

    And I just need to say “Go Bama!!” I can’t believe there’s still 10 days to the game…

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @Debbie, Roll Tide indeed! I think we’re a little more crass (but genteel) down here, but I could be wrong.

    [Reply]

  3. prosecutor prompts person’s penis picture. Praise, protective pervert!!!

    [Reply]

    avatgardener Reply:

    That would by you, M/R; our protective pervert. BTW, that was quite a run-on sentence the first paragraph. I liked it!!!

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @avatgardener, Thanks? Sometimes I gotta break the rules.

    [Reply]

  4. I think your response was the appropriate action to take at that time.
    .-= Windsor´s last blog ..Fighting in the bed =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @windsor, As do I.

    [Reply]

  5. HA! that’s awesome.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @elle, Is it? You obviously don’t have a penile implant.

    [Reply]

    elle Reply:

    maybe not the implant part! your response, however…

    [Reply]

  6. Poor guy. “Couldn’t get erected.” I bet this session was a lot more entertaining than you’d anticipated.
    .-= JD at I Do Things´s last blog ..I Wish You a JD Christmas so you don’t have to =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @JD, Much more horrifying, actually.

    [Reply]

  7. Nice. Way to step up and be a professional.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @nancy, That’s how I roll. I don’t even need a step.

    [Reply]

  8. I’m certain Jesus is smiling. You being all “helpful” and all to the opposing counsel. Hope you had a nice Christmas with your family. 🙂
    .-= Chris´s last blog ..Up In Smoke =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @chris, Thanks! I think He is for sure.

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  9. I’m surprised you didn’t ask him to show y’all – not because you *want* to see medically enhanced redneck manjunk but to totally freak out that defense attorney. Shoulda asked for “before” and “after” pics, too. Heh. I’m a sick monkey.

    [Reply]

    Muskrat Reply:

    @countessa, That IS sick, but brilliant.

    [Reply]

  10. This was funny when you came home and told it the first time, but I think your shock and horror were inhibiting the humor. Way funnier this time, with direct quotes. Maybe I ought to have you record these things for later playback??

    [Reply]

    Muskrat Reply:

    @pretty bride, I can order the transcript for you if you’d like. Perhaps I’ll post it on here, so folks won’t think I make this shit up.

    [Reply]

    unfinishedrambler Reply:

    I think you should do a vlog…

    …but that doesn’t mean we want to see your naked ass. Well, at least, not the male readers…well, I should say, at least, not the male heterosexual readers like myself.

    Happy New Year to you and the fam.
    .-= unfinishedrambler´s last blog ..I pledge…allegiance…to uphold…aw, screw it…I don’t know…something something…2010 =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @UR, That’s a great idea! I’ll do a special private one just for you. Like Tina Turner does–the private dancer.

  11. Sometimes I think you just make shit up, but then it doesn’t really matter cause I laugh out loud. True or not.
    .-= A Free Man´s last blog ..And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere and gie’s a hand o’ thine =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @Free Man, I wish were creative enough to make this shit up, but alas, I’m not. You’ll never see a blog post from me touting the new novel I’ve written!

    [Reply]

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