Baby

things of which i am not a fan: god’s use of irony

cider house

Pretty Bride:  “Can we take a walk?”
Me:  “Umm…I was going to go for a run.  I feel like walking is sort of a waste of time for non-obese people who want to raise their heart rates to 85% max.”
PB:  “I just thought we should talk some and…”
Me:  “We can talk while I put on my shoes and heart rate monitor and stuff!”
PB:  “Fine.  I’m late.”
Me:  “What?  Uhhh.  So, maybe tomorrow you won’t be any more.”
PB:  “It’s been several days…”
Me:  “So, I guess you should get one of those sticks to pee on…I’m sure everything’s fine.”
PB:  “I already did.”
Me:  “Oh shit.”
PB:  “I know you wanted to stop at 3, and I was on board with that, but here we are nonetheless, and…”
Me:  “Where in the hell are we going to put 3 babies, a teen, and 2 adults in a 3-bedroom house?  And it’s not like any bank’s going to give a mortgage to 2 recently self-employed people any time soon.  Not that anyone buys houses in the ‘hood at Christmas.  Shit.  I’m sorry.”
PB:  “New baby will be in our room the first several months anyway, then…I guess he/she will move in with Maddie and Owen.”
Me:  “And every night when I turn out the lights, I’ll say to them, ‘Good night, you princes of Maine, you kings of New England,’ right?”
PB:  “We’ll be okay.  Your firm is doing well.  My book will be in stores next fall.  We’ll just be crowded until we can afford to move.”
Me:  “You know, I used to make fun of people with 4 children.  Whenever I talk to Natalie, I ask, ‘How are your 17 babies doing?’  She’s gonna give me shit.”
PB:  “Well, maybe that’ll entice you to quit being too scared to get THE SURGERY.”
Me:  “NOOOOOOO!  I am not allowing scalpels around my balls!  I’ll just start huffing ether and looking for foster families.”
PB:  “Ass.”

Anyone want to buy a 3/2.5 that flooded a few weeks ago in a ‘hood that had 250 burglaries last year?  Please?

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100 Comments

  1. Four is nothing. Just wait till you have five! 😉
    .-= Kim @ Beautiful Wreck´s last blog ..Woe Is Me =-.

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    Muskrat Reply:

    @kim, I’d really rather not…

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  2. Congratulations!! That’s most excellent news. You’re gonna be great, going from 3 to 4 will be no problem. Not that I have any idea what I’m talking about…
    .-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Birthday Shananigans =-.

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    muskrat Reply:

    @karen chatters, Thanks for the encouragement.

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  3. Wow! Congrats on being such an incredibly fertile fella!! (let me beseech you, on behalf of your wife, please please please get that vasectomy soon.)
    .-= Amy the Bitchin WIfe´s last blog ..How Did I Turn Into the Person I am Today? =-.

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    muskrat Reply:

    @Amy, I never knew fertility would carry such admonition, but I’m trying to listen (today anyway).

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  4. I have to say: I’m feeling quite a warm glow of happiness for you and your family. How cute! Four kids? So are you hillbillies now?

    Seriously, congratulations. And your wife has a book coming out? Details!

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @JD, Yes. Hillbillies in the ‘hood. That’s actually a funny label, since everyone else in our ‘hood is gay or from North Carolina (as in UNC Chapel Hill or Duke, not Billy Graham country). So, by comparison, we who hail from Alabama are the hillbillies.

    As for the Mrs, she’s one of those very very very rare folks who starts a blog, gets found by a publisher without any solicitation, and was offered a book deal, advance, and some derivative rights. Most of my blogging friends probably hate her.

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  5. Randy roaming rodent reproduces regularly. Readers rally “rah rah”!!

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @avatgardener, “Readers readily recommend removal” is more like it!

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    avatgardener Reply:

    or
    Feral frisky “ferret” fathers four. fantastic.

    only if by removal you mean the connection between your sperm producer and your johnson. I highly recommend it. My ex had it done at the Planned Parenthood clinic during a visit of VIPs from another clinic – – the visitors watched the entire procedure. He was proud to show his stuff – – much like you are from what I have read.

    [Reply]

    Muskrat Reply:

    @avatgardener, oh my. we’ll see.

  6. @mepsipax, I can certainly identify with the “we are kinda close” sentiment re: balls. I distrust those who don’t feel the same.

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  7. @SciFi Dad, Now that’s a thought. But here’s how Atlanta differs from Canada–little white people don’t get to play basketball except in my driveway. Maybe I can find a pitching coach, though…Turner Field is < 3 miles away!

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  8. Congratulations!!!

    And for the record – you get good drugs for the Big Snip. By working in the O.R. I’ve seen more manjunk than a truck stop whore – the Big Snip is truly *not* that big of a deal.

    [Reply]

    Muskrat Reply:

    @countessa, I’ll email you for details later this year if I give this more than a fleeting thought.

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  9. That was well said.
    .-= Zoeyjane´s last blog ..On kicking it =-.

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  10. Holy Insanity!! I thought 3 was 1 too many!

    My husband won’t get the snip either. From what I hear, childbirth is a lot worse.
    He also thinks going on a walk is a waste of time.
    Wusses…

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @Gin, It is insanity. Hope y’all are doing well…

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  11. but think of the Ed Hardy shirts!
    .-= Karen Sugarpants´s last blog ..The Post In Which Adam Avitable Kicks Me In The Fat Ass =-.

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  12. Something something disco stick something something haha something something something withholds sex something something something sack up something something snip snip.

    Seriously dude. It’s an arthroscopic procedure. You don’t even need stitches. Done in the office. You get to keep your shirt on. Talk about golf. Sing show tunes.
    .-= califmom´s last blog ..And Now, We Wait =-.

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    Muskrat Reply:

    @califmom, you know i don’t talk about golf. i like talking about cocaine and hookers.

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  13. Congrats, you and your wife are very brave … and blessed (and I am nowhere near the religious type, just love babies :)!
    .-= Karen MEG´s last blog ..Hope 4 Anissa =-.

    [Reply]

    Muskrat Reply:

    @Karen MEG, Everyone loves a good baby every now and then, right?

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  14. Oh I’m so sorry you’ve been burdened this way.

    [Reply]

    Muskrat Reply:

    @david, We’ll be fine. Thanks for your concern.

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  15. It could be worse…your Pretty Bride could be 48, your kids could be in high school and beyond…you could have been contemplating retirement…you could be anticipating the birth of grandchildren and then find out you were pregnant! Don’t laugh. It happens (happened)! All I can say is SNIP SNIP!

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    Muskrat Reply:

    @lojo, Oh my. Did you watch “Father of the Bride 2” last night, or are your reading from your autobiography. Either way…oh my.

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  16. Holy shit! Congratulations!

    (Your cider house is so gonna rule!)

    [Reply]

    Muskrat Reply:

    @maggie dammit, Thanks…it should rule. We’ll totally spike our cider, too.

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  17. For my part, I’m starting to get over the total shock and denial and move on to excited and anticipatory. And I think after pushing four people out my pootenanie, least the ‘Rat can do is have an itty-bitty outpatient procedure.

    And I think my exact words were: (tearfully) “Don’t be an ass.” But I’m not keeping notes or anything.

    [Reply]

    Muskrat Reply:

    @pretty bride, not keeping notes? right.

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    Pretty Bride Reply:

    Hey! I am a loving, supportive, adoring spouse who puts out (quite often, it would appear). BE NICE!

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  18. I wasn’t laughing at you.. I was laughing with you. 😉

    or were you crying? it’s hard to tell over the internet..
    .-= ChurchPunkMom´s last blog ..Don’t Tell My ML =-.

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  19. i’m catching up on my blogs. i come to one of my favorites…that would be yours. and think “awww…i see cider house rules..we were just tweeting about that quote the other day. and then i read further down..wowser. and then there were…6?? super muskrat! he/she will be adorable! just like all your other kiddos!!

    [Reply]

    Muskrat Reply:

    @emacgrass, i just hope the little guy is healthy and isn’t 6 weeks early like the last one. we need another boy up in here. i guess we’ll find out if we’re getting on in 3 weeks.

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  20. Oh My God! Congratulations you fertile little freak!
    .-= Carolyn Online´s last blog ..Lessons in Cool. =-.

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    Muskrat Reply:

    @carolyn online, Um, thanks?

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  21. Hey, congratulations? My sympathies?

    All I really had to say this morning was “Roll Tide!”, but also now congratulations.

    But seriously, if your alma mater could find a way to humiliate the Gators, that would really make me feel better.
    .-= A Free Man´s last blog ..Somethin’ filled up my heart with nothin’, someone told me not to cry. =-.

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    Muskrat Reply:

    @ a free man, I believe we did just that. You’re welcome.

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  22. I was just going to say, PB is pretty persuasive apparently.

    Congrats to you both!

    [Reply]

    Muskrat Reply:

    @motherhood uncensored, She is. And, I’m glad your warrior veteran husband shares my phobias. I feel better already.
    .-= Muskrat´s last blog ..things of which i am not a fan: god’s use of irony =-.

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  23. Also, you’re scared of the surgery too? I’m going to show my husband this post.

    In fact, I’m sending him the link now.
    .-= Motherhood Uncensored´s last blog ..Kristen’s Resolutions =-.

    [Reply]

    Muskrat Reply:

    @motherhood uncensored, As a scare tactic? Did it work?

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  24. Holy crap. I just popped over here from your year in review post and I somehow had no idea you were pregnant. Thank you for having babies so I don’t have to. With the fourth, you’re not only replacing yourselves on this earth, but my husband and me as well. Thanks for the favor. You rock, man. And congrats to your wife for the book! I see you told JD she got approached without soliciting. Awesome! Give me her blog address, please.
    .-= Junk Drawer Kathy´s last blog ..What Was That Crazy Contraption? =-.

    [Reply]

    Muskrat Reply:

    @Kathy, Um, thanks? I try to do my part. I’ll DM you the info.

    [Reply]

  25. Congrats! (Better late than never, right? I’m behind on life!)

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @maigh, That’s okay…baby isn’t here yet anyway.

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  26. Pingback: i’ve never been happier to be wrong | Father Muskrat

  27. Great!Your blog is unique, the website is good information This was a excellent piece of writing. I have been looking for this for quite a while. Thanks!

    [Reply]

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