things of which i am not a fan: god’s use of irony

cider house

Pretty Bride:  “Can we take a walk?”
Me:  “Umm…I was going to go for a run.  I feel like walking is sort of a waste of time for non-obese people who want to raise their heart rates to 85% max.”
PB:  “I just thought we should talk some and…”
Me:  “We can talk while I put on my shoes and heart rate monitor and stuff!”
PB:  “Fine.  I’m late.”
Me:  “What?  Uhhh.  So, maybe tomorrow you won’t be any more.”
PB:  “It’s been several days…”
Me:  “So, I guess you should get one of those sticks to pee on…I’m sure everything’s fine.”
PB:  “I already did.”
Me:  “Oh shit.”
PB:  “I know you wanted to stop at 3, and I was on board with that, but here we are nonetheless, and…”
Me:  “Where in the hell are we going to put 3 babies, a teen, and 2 adults in a 3-bedroom house?  And it’s not like any bank’s going to give a mortgage to 2 recently self-employed people any time soon.  Not that anyone buys houses in the ‘hood at Christmas.  Shit.  I’m sorry.”
PB:  “New baby will be in our room the first several months anyway, then…I guess he/she will move in with Maddie and Owen.”
Me:  “And every night when I turn out the lights, I’ll say to them, ‘Good night, you princes of Maine, you kings of New England,’ right?”
PB:  “We’ll be okay.  Your firm is doing well.  My book will be in stores next fall.  We’ll just be crowded until we can afford to move.”
Me:  “You know, I used to make fun of people with 4 children.  Whenever I talk to Natalie, I ask, ‘How are your 17 babies doing?’  She’s gonna give me shit.”
PB:  “Well, maybe that’ll entice you to quit being too scared to get THE SURGERY.”
Me:  “NOOOOOOO!  I am not allowing scalpels around my balls!  I’ll just start huffing ether and looking for foster families.”
PB:  “Ass.”

Anyone want to buy a 3/2.5 that flooded a few weeks ago in a ‘hood that had 250 burglaries last year?  Please?

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  1. Congratulations! You should move to Utah. You and your 17 babies will fit right in. Everything’s gonna be fiiine. Don’t you worry. Follow your wife’s lead. CONGRATULATIONS [again]!!!
    .-= Chris´s last blog ..Deviled Eggs =-.

  2. Congratulations, really, Muskrat. You and Pretty Bride will do fine, I’m sure.

    …although I happen to agree with Pretty Bride on the “Ass” part. 😉

    As for the Utah bar exam, you are willing to convert to Mormonism, right? Then you’re fine.
    .-= unfinishedrambler´s last blog ..Thank God for the rabbits and our house. Amen. =-.

  3. Congratulations! After all the raking Bossy did over the weekend, mostly alone, she was thinking about the benefits of birthing and raising lots of little rakers to help.
    .-= BOSSY´s last blog ..Bossy, You Seem Like A Perfectly Nice Girl, But What Is Skin Control? =-.

  4. Congratulations! I agree with Bossy, more babies, more chores to be done by said babies.

  5. Congratulations on everything but the 250 burglaries.

    Will you move the teenager into a newly-dried-out Mancave?

    And yes, just grit your teeth and have the operation. A pregnancy that results from two fertile adults having unprotected sex is not irony. It’s a straightforward narrative.
    .-= headbang8´s last blog ..This Wedding Needs More Sex =-.

  6. Congrats! I’m expecting my second and I know my husband won’t let anything but me near his ball so since can’t actually perform THE SURGERY I’ll get my bad mommas tied after this one. Good luck with the 17 kids and all! :o)
    .-= Keyona´s last blog ..No Take Backs =-.

  7. Damn. Four? Are you Mormon? Or a Duggar?

    Congratulations, man. Now get that fucking vasectomy already!
    .-= Avitable´s last blog ..Levi Johnston: Beefcake or fraud? You decide. =-.

  8. Congratulations and wooty woot! I can’t even manage to think about having ONE so I bow down to your greatness.

  9. Congratulations!

    And every time you have to rub her back…
    Or run out in the middle of the night for weird food…
    Or tie her shoe laces for her because she can’t see them…
    Or watch as she lies screaming on the table giving birth to yet another one of your offspring…

    I hope you think to yourself “Man, I’m glad I’m too big of a pussy to spend 10 minutes on an outpatient procedure.”

    Also, I may have had this same conversation 500 times with my own husband.
    .-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..Truth In Blogging: Some People Are Bitches =-.

  10. Congratulations.
    .-= William´s last blog ..Christmas Debate =-.

  11. Keep going and you could have your own TLC show and the money will be rolling in!
    Congratulations, ass. 🙂
    .-= Karen Sugarpants´s last blog ..And The Winner of the Yummie Tummie Is…. =-.

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  13. So congratulations!

    But, yeah, totally know that feeling.
    “uh, too late, man.”

    Give it a little bit, and you’ll get over “Oh crap!” and move on to excited.

    PS Also, may want to man up and get that procedure, or you could be facing the SAME CONVERSATION 2-3 years from now.
    .-= thepsychobabble´s last blog ..My Baby Girl is Growing Up =-.

  14. Congrats. Dude to you and your lovely wife.

    You seriously need to make an appointment with a bag of frozen peas. Man up. If you can ride a roller coaster in Vegas, you can make it through that.
    .-= Nancy at Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas´s last blog ..100 Things I am Thankful for (Part I) =-.

  15. Congrats! Also, please consider just putting the newbie in a dresser drawer for the first few months. You can line it with the socks that are already in it…

  16. 1. congratulations!
    2. a vasectomy does not have to mean a scalpel near your balls

  17. Woo hoo! Congratulations, hon!

    Now, where are my birth control pills….
    .-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Translations =-.

  18. You have no idea how happy I am right now. The best part……Tim and I watched Cider House Rules for the first time a few days ago.

    Seriously, it will all be okay. And double-seriously, stop being an ass to your wife. Tim won’t get the surgery either….what a bunch of wussy men!

    People are staring at me because I’m laughing out loud in the dentist’s lobby. I am waiting for Avery…..braces are currently about $2500…..bye bye retirement.

    We moved to a bigger house in May so we have room for your crew if you want to visit Nashville sometime….all 6 of you..ha ha ha.

  19. Congrats!
    .-= *Pixie* @´s last blog ..Mr. Mandarin =-.





    No really. Congrats. From someone who has SO BTDT. 😉
    .-= ChurchPunkMom´s last blog ..Don’t Tell My ML =-.

  21. Wow, congrats, dude. That’s great news. Well, it WILL be great, once you win the lottery and move into a mansion and everything.

  22. congratulations! now to find out if there’s just one baby or 2…

    i couldn’t resist as a mother of twins myself who also has 4 children (total.) it’s not as insane as you might think.

    it’s more so.
    .-= mommymae´s last blog ..and the holidays have begun =-.

  23. Congratulations on the baby!

    Also, my husband went under the knife, though I wished he hadn’t. I signed consent under duress, if that means sleep deprivation. But that’s fine. He was so high during the procedure that he giggled like a little girl. For real.
    .-= Heather Shake Shake´s last blog ..A Dictionary Ate Me Alive: My Road to Being Published =-.

  24. Holy shit, congratulations!

  25. Damn, four kids. You damn breeder. Ha, they would have to trick me to get the surgery with some hot nurse to handle the goods. Well, on second thought… let’s just skip it. They are my balls and we are kinda close.
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..It’s beginning to look a lot like =-.

  26. Uhm, congratulations?

    Think of it this way: one more and you’ve got a basketball lineup, or a starting pitcher rotation.
    .-= SciFi Dad´s last blog ..State of the Blog =-.

    • @SciFi Dad, Now that’s a thought. But here’s how Atlanta differs from Canada–little white people don’t get to play basketball except in my driveway. Maybe I can find a pitching coach, though…Turner Field is < 3 miles away!

  27. Four is nothing. Just wait till you have five! 😉
    .-= Kim @ Beautiful Wreck´s last blog ..Woe Is Me =-.

  28. Congratulations!! That’s most excellent news. You’re gonna be great, going from 3 to 4 will be no problem. Not that I have any idea what I’m talking about…
    .-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Birthday Shananigans =-.

  29. Wow! Congrats on being such an incredibly fertile fella!! (let me beseech you, on behalf of your wife, please please please get that vasectomy soon.)
    .-= Amy the Bitchin WIfe´s last blog ..How Did I Turn Into the Person I am Today? =-.

  30. I have to say: I’m feeling quite a warm glow of happiness for you and your family. How cute! Four kids? So are you hillbillies now?

    Seriously, congratulations. And your wife has a book coming out? Details!

    • @JD, Yes. Hillbillies in the ‘hood. That’s actually a funny label, since everyone else in our ‘hood is gay or from North Carolina (as in UNC Chapel Hill or Duke, not Billy Graham country). So, by comparison, we who hail from Alabama are the hillbillies.

      As for the Mrs, she’s one of those very very very rare folks who starts a blog, gets found by a publisher without any solicitation, and was offered a book deal, advance, and some derivative rights. Most of my blogging friends probably hate her.

  31. avatgardener

    Randy roaming rodent reproduces regularly. Readers rally “rah rah”!!

    • @avatgardener, “Readers readily recommend removal” is more like it!

      • avatgardener

        Feral frisky “ferret” fathers four. fantastic.

        only if by removal you mean the connection between your sperm producer and your johnson. I highly recommend it. My ex had it done at the Planned Parenthood clinic during a visit of VIPs from another clinic – – the visitors watched the entire procedure. He was proud to show his stuff – – much like you are from what I have read.

  32. Congratulations!!!

    And for the record – you get good drugs for the Big Snip. By working in the O.R. I’ve seen more manjunk than a truck stop whore – the Big Snip is truly *not* that big of a deal.

  33. Holy Insanity!! I thought 3 was 1 too many!

    My husband won’t get the snip either. From what I hear, childbirth is a lot worse.
    He also thinks going on a walk is a waste of time.

  34. Something something disco stick something something haha something something something withholds sex something something something sack up something something snip snip.

    Seriously dude. It’s an arthroscopic procedure. You don’t even need stitches. Done in the office. You get to keep your shirt on. Talk about golf. Sing show tunes.
    .-= califmom´s last blog ..And Now, We Wait =-.

  35. Congrats, you and your wife are very brave … and blessed (and I am nowhere near the religious type, just love babies :)!
    .-= Karen MEG´s last blog ..Hope 4 Anissa =-.

  36. Oh I’m so sorry you’ve been burdened this way.

  37. It could be worse…your Pretty Bride could be 48, your kids could be in high school and beyond…you could have been contemplating retirement…you could be anticipating the birth of grandchildren and then find out you were pregnant! Don’t laugh. It happens (happened)! All I can say is SNIP SNIP!

  38. Holy shit! Congratulations!

    (Your cider house is so gonna rule!)

  39. Pretty Bride

    For my part, I’m starting to get over the total shock and denial and move on to excited and anticipatory. And I think after pushing four people out my pootenanie, least the ‘Rat can do is have an itty-bitty outpatient procedure.

    And I think my exact words were: (tearfully) “Don’t be an ass.” But I’m not keeping notes or anything.

  40. i’m catching up on my blogs. i come to one of my favorites…that would be yours. and think “awww…i see cider house rules..we were just tweeting about that quote the other day. and then i read further down..wowser. and then there were…6?? super muskrat! he/she will be adorable! just like all your other kiddos!!

    • @emacgrass, i just hope the little guy is healthy and isn’t 6 weeks early like the last one. we need another boy up in here. i guess we’ll find out if we’re getting on in 3 weeks.

  41. Oh My God! Congratulations you fertile little freak!
    .-= Carolyn Online´s last blog ..Lessons in Cool. =-.

  42. Hey, congratulations? My sympathies?

    All I really had to say this morning was “Roll Tide!”, but also now congratulations.

    But seriously, if your alma mater could find a way to humiliate the Gators, that would really make me feel better.
    .-= A Free Man´s last blog ..Somethin’ filled up my heart with nothin’, someone told me not to cry. =-.

  43. I was just going to say, PB is pretty persuasive apparently.

    Congrats to you both!

  44. Also, you’re scared of the surgery too? I’m going to show my husband this post.

    In fact, I’m sending him the link now.
    .-= Motherhood Uncensored´s last blog ..Kristen’s Resolutions =-.

  45. Holy crap. I just popped over here from your year in review post and I somehow had no idea you were pregnant. Thank you for having babies so I don’t have to. With the fourth, you’re not only replacing yourselves on this earth, but my husband and me as well. Thanks for the favor. You rock, man. And congrats to your wife for the book! I see you told JD she got approached without soliciting. Awesome! Give me her blog address, please.
    .-= Junk Drawer Kathy´s last blog ..What Was That Crazy Contraption? =-.

  46. Congrats! (Better late than never, right? I’m behind on life!)

  47. Pingback: i’ve never been happier to be wrong | Father Muskrat

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