11.23things of which i am not a fan: god’s use of irony
Pretty Bride: “Can we take a walk?”
Me: “Umm…I was going to go for a run. I feel like walking is sort of a waste of time for non-obese people who want to raise their heart rates to 85% max.”
PB: “I just thought we should talk some and…”
Me: “We can talk while I put on my shoes and heart rate monitor and stuff!”
PB: “Fine. I’m late.”
Me: “What? Uhhh. So, maybe tomorrow you won’t be any more.”
PB: “It’s been several days…”
Me: “So, I guess you should get one of those sticks to pee on…I’m sure everything’s fine.”
PB: “I already did.”
Me: “Oh shit.”
PB: “I know you wanted to stop at 3, and I was on board with that, but here we are nonetheless, and…”
Me: “Where in the hell are we going to put 3 babies, a teen, and 2 adults in a 3-bedroom house? And it’s not like any bank’s going to give a mortgage to 2 recently self-employed people any time soon. Not that anyone buys houses in the ‘hood at Christmas. Shit. I’m sorry.”
PB: “New baby will be in our room the first several months anyway, then…I guess he/she will move in with Maddie and Owen.”
Me: “And every night when I turn out the lights, I’ll say to them, ‘Good night, you princes of Maine, you kings of New England,’ right?”
PB: “We’ll be okay. Your firm is doing well. My book will be in stores next fall. We’ll just be crowded until we can afford to move.”
Me: “You know, I used to make fun of people with 4 children. Whenever I talk to Natalie, I ask, ‘How are your 17 babies doing?’ She’s gonna give me shit.”
PB: “Well, maybe that’ll entice you to quit being too scared to get THE SURGERY.”
Me: “NOOOOOOO! I am not allowing scalpels around my balls! I’ll just start huffing ether and looking for foster families.”
PB: “Ass.”
Anyone want to buy a 3/2.5 that flooded a few weeks ago in a ‘hood that had 250 burglaries last year? Please?
Congratulations! You should move to Utah. You and your 17 babies will fit right in. Everything’s gonna be fiiine. Don’t you worry. Follow your wife’s lead. CONGRATULATIONS [again]!!!
.-= Chris´s last blog ..Deviled Eggs =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 10:32 AM
@chris, Excellent suggestion! I hear homes are cheaper there, too. I wonder what the Utah bar exam is like…
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November 23rd, 2009 at 10:21 AM
Congratulations, really, Muskrat. You and Pretty Bride will do fine, I’m sure.
…although I happen to agree with Pretty Bride on the “Ass” part.
As for the Utah bar exam, you are willing to convert to Mormonism, right? Then you’re fine.
.-= unfinishedrambler´s last blog ..Thank God for the rabbits and our house. Amen. =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 10:40 AM
@unfinishedrambler, Thanks! I like the Mormons I know but am too old a dog to learn new dogma.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 10:36 AM
Congratulations! After all the raking Bossy did over the weekend, mostly alone, she was thinking about the benefits of birthing and raising lots of little rakers to help.
.-= BOSSY´s last blog ..Bossy, You Seem Like A Perfectly Nice Girl, But What Is Skin Control? =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 10:40 AM
@bossy, That is a wonderfully optimistic way to look at this. Thanks!
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November 23rd, 2009 at 10:38 AM
Congratulations! I agree with Bossy, more babies, more chores to be done by said babies.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 12:59 PM
@julie, Assuming we’re not in Section 8 housing by the time they’re old enough to rake!
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November 23rd, 2009 at 11:04 AM
Congratulations on everything but the 250 burglaries.
Will you move the teenager into a newly-dried-out Mancave?
And yes, just grit your teeth and have the operation. A pregnancy that results from two fertile adults having unprotected sex is not irony. It’s a straightforward narrative.
.-= headbang8´s last blog ..This Wedding Needs More Sex =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 1:01 PM
@headbang8, Absolutely not. The mantuary is mine. It does double as a guest room, however, with its sofa bed. As for the “operation,” um, no.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 11:13 AM
Congrats! I’m expecting my second and I know my husband won’t let anything but me near his ball so since can’t actually perform THE SURGERY I’ll get my bad mommas tied after this one. Good luck with the 17 kids and all!
)
.-= Keyona´s last blog ..No Take Backs =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 1:01 PM
@keyona, I wish my bride would get things tied, but she won’t. *deep breath* Thanks, you too!
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November 23rd, 2009 at 11:14 AM
Damn. Four? Are you Mormon? Or a Duggar?
Congratulations, man. Now get that fucking vasectomy already!
.-= Avitable´s last blog ..Levi Johnston: Beefcake or fraud? You decide. =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 1:06 PM
@avitable Yes. And I’m sending them all to Atlamonte Springs when they do their mandatory mission work to work on your soul.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 11:28 AM
Congratulations and wooty woot! I can’t even manage to think about having ONE so I bow down to your greatness.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 1:06 PM
@hillly It was bowing to my greatness that got me in this mess.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 11:31 AM
Congratulations!
And every time you have to rub her back…
Or run out in the middle of the night for weird food…
Or tie her shoe laces for her because she can’t see them…
Or watch as she lies screaming on the table giving birth to yet another one of your offspring…
I hope you think to yourself “Man, I’m glad I’m too big of a pussy to spend 10 minutes on an outpatient procedure.”
Also, I may have had this same conversation 500 times with my own husband.
.-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..Truth In Blogging: Some People Are Bitches =-.
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Avitable Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 11:34 AM
Hahahahahaha!
.-= Avitable´s last blog ..Levi Johnston: Beefcake or fraud? You decide. =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 1:07 PM
@miss britt, I had no idea you could be so cruel.
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Zoeyjane Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 11:25 PM
That was well said.
.-= Zoeyjane´s last blog ..On kicking it =-.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 11:31 AM
Congratulations.
.-= William´s last blog ..Christmas Debate =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 1:08 PM
@william, Thanks!
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November 23rd, 2009 at 11:32 AM
Keep going and you could have your own TLC show and the money will be rolling in!
Congratulations, ass.
.-= Karen Sugarpants´s last blog ..And The Winner of the Yummie Tummie Is…. =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 1:09 PM
@karen sugarpants, Right. Then it’ll roll right out with the divorce. Can’t wait to win the Superbowl, drive off in a Hyundai.
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Karen Sugarpants Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 7:23 PM
but think of the Ed Hardy shirts!
.-= Karen Sugarpants´s last blog ..The Post In Which Adam Avitable Kicks Me In The Fat Ass =-.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 11:36 AM
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by themuskrat, Jennifer Parke. Jennifer Parke said: Haha! Sooo funny!! RT Congratulations to @themuskrat! http://bit.ly/6Doy2G via @avitable [...]
November 23rd, 2009 at 11:39 AM
So congratulations!
But, yeah, totally know that feeling.
“But…but…no!”
“uh, too late, man.”
Give it a little bit, and you’ll get over “Oh crap!” and move on to excited.
PS Also, may want to man up and get that procedure, or you could be facing the SAME CONVERSATION 2-3 years from now.
.-= thepsychobabble´s last blog ..My Baby Girl is Growing Up =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 1:10 PM
@thepsychobabble, Thanks for this profound wisdom.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 11:50 AM
Congrats. Dude to you and your lovely wife.
You seriously need to make an appointment with a bag of frozen peas. Man up. If you can ride a roller coaster in Vegas, you can make it through that.
.-= Nancy at Fear and Parenting in Las Vegas´s last blog ..100 Things I am Thankful for (Part I) =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 1:11 PM
@nancy I screamed like a little girl on that roller coaster in Vegas. I doubt Piedmont Hospital wants everyone within a 3 mile radius to hear the same.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 11:52 AM
Congrats! Also, please consider just putting the newbie in a dresser drawer for the first few months. You can line it with the socks that are already in it…
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 1:11 PM
@daisy, Finally–some legitimate advice I can use…thanks!
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November 23rd, 2009 at 12:05 PM
1. congratulations!
2. a vasectomy does not have to mean a scalpel near your balls http://www.vasectomy.com/ArticleDetail.asp?siteid=V&ArticleId=2
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 2:01 PM
@bluepaintred, Good.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 12:09 PM
Woo hoo! Congratulations, hon!
Now, where are my birth control pills….
.-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Translations =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 2:44 PM
@coal miner’s GD, Thanks. Pills make all the difference.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 12:22 PM
You have no idea how happy I am right now. The best part……Tim and I watched Cider House Rules for the first time a few days ago.
Seriously, it will all be okay. And double-seriously, stop being an ass to your wife. Tim won’t get the surgery either….what a bunch of wussy men!
People are staring at me because I’m laughing out loud in the dentist’s lobby. I am waiting for Avery…..braces are currently about $2500…..bye bye retirement.
We moved to a bigger house in May so we have room for your crew if you want to visit Nashville sometime….all 6 of you..ha ha ha.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 2:45 PM
@natalie, Don’t you like how I made you famous? Now, quit gloating.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 12:23 PM
Congrats!
.-= *Pixie* @ ArtistMotherTeacher.com´s last blog ..Mr. Mandarin =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 2:45 PM
@pixie, Thanks, I reckon.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 12:24 PM
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!
*ahem*
sorry.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
No really. Congrats. From someone who has SO BTDT.
.-= ChurchPunkMom´s last blog ..Don’t Tell My ML =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 2:46 PM
@churchpunkmom, There’s no reason to laugh at the muskrat. It hurts him.
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ChurchPunkMom Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 9:07 PM
I wasn’t laughing at you.. I was laughing with you.
or were you crying? it’s hard to tell over the internet..
.-= ChurchPunkMom´s last blog ..Don’t Tell My ML =-.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 12:30 PM
Wow, congrats, dude. That’s great news. Well, it WILL be great, once you win the lottery and move into a mansion and everything.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 2:46 PM
@karl, Does that mean I have to start playing the lottery? Hell.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 12:40 PM
congratulations! now to find out if there’s just one baby or 2…
i couldn’t resist as a mother of twins myself who also has 4 children (total.) it’s not as insane as you might think.
it’s more so.
.-= mommymae´s last blog ..and the holidays have begun =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 2:47 PM
@mommymae, *falls out of chair* Not the comment I wanted to read.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 1:01 PM
Congratulations on the baby!
Also, my husband went under the knife, though I wished he hadn’t. I signed consent under duress, if that means sleep deprivation. But that’s fine. He was so high during the procedure that he giggled like a little girl. For real.
.-= Heather Shake Shake´s last blog ..A Dictionary Ate Me Alive: My Road to Being Published =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 2:47 PM
@heather, Can I bring my airplane glue? Maybe that would make it tolerable.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 1:12 PM
Holy shit, congratulations!
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 2:48 PM
@mingaling, We wanted to be like y’all. Now to get on that plane for Hawaii…
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November 23rd, 2009 at 2:06 PM
Damn, four kids. You damn breeder. Ha, they would have to trick me to get the surgery with some hot nurse to handle the goods. Well, on second thought… let’s just skip it. They are my balls and we are kinda close.
.-= mepsipax´s last blog ..It’s beginning to look a lot like =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 7:24 PM
@mepsipax, I can certainly identify with the “we are kinda close” sentiment re: balls. I distrust those who don’t feel the same.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 3:29 PM
Uhm, congratulations?
Think of it this way: one more and you’ve got a basketball lineup, or a starting pitcher rotation.
.-= SciFi Dad´s last blog ..State of the Blog =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 7:28 PM
@SciFi Dad, Now that’s a thought. But here’s how Atlanta differs from Canada–little white people don’t get to play basketball except in my driveway. Maybe I can find a pitching coach, though…Turner Field is < 3 miles away!
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November 23rd, 2009 at 3:41 PM
Four is nothing. Just wait till you have five!
.-= Kim @ Beautiful Wreck´s last blog ..Woe Is Me =-.
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Muskrat Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 10:30 AM
@kim, I’d really rather not…
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November 23rd, 2009 at 3:57 PM
Congratulations!! That’s most excellent news. You’re gonna be great, going from 3 to 4 will be no problem. Not that I have any idea what I’m talking about…
.-= Karen Chatters´s last blog ..Birthday Shananigans =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 7:29 PM
@karen chatters, Thanks for the encouragement.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 4:17 PM
Wow! Congrats on being such an incredibly fertile fella!! (let me beseech you, on behalf of your wife, please please please get that vasectomy soon.)
.-= Amy the Bitchin WIfe´s last blog ..How Did I Turn Into the Person I am Today? =-.
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 7:31 PM
@Amy, I never knew fertility would carry such admonition, but I’m trying to listen (today anyway).
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November 23rd, 2009 at 4:18 PM
I have to say: I’m feeling quite a warm glow of happiness for you and your family. How cute! Four kids? So are you hillbillies now?
Seriously, congratulations. And your wife has a book coming out? Details!
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 7:36 PM
@JD, Yes. Hillbillies in the ‘hood. That’s actually a funny label, since everyone else in our ‘hood is gay or from North Carolina (as in UNC Chapel Hill or Duke, not Billy Graham country). So, by comparison, we who hail from Alabama are the hillbillies.
As for the Mrs, she’s one of those very very very rare folks who starts a blog, gets found by a publisher without any solicitation, and was offered a book deal, advance, and some derivative rights. Most of my blogging friends probably hate her.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 4:57 PM
Randy roaming rodent reproduces regularly. Readers rally “rah rah”!!
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muskrat Reply:
November 23rd, 2009 at 7:32 PM
@avatgardener, “Readers readily recommend removal” is more like it!
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avatgardener Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 8:09 AM
or
Feral frisky “ferret” fathers four. fantastic.
only if by removal you mean the connection between your sperm producer and your johnson. I highly recommend it. My ex had it done at the Planned Parenthood clinic during a visit of VIPs from another clinic – - the visitors watched the entire procedure. He was proud to show his stuff – - much like you are from what I have read.
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Muskrat Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 10:31 AM
@avatgardener, oh my. we’ll see.
November 23rd, 2009 at 6:51 PM
Congratulations!!!
And for the record – you get good drugs for the Big Snip. By working in the O.R. I’ve seen more manjunk than a truck stop whore – the Big Snip is truly *not* that big of a deal.
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Muskrat Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 10:31 AM
@countessa, I’ll email you for details later this year if I give this more than a fleeting thought.
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November 23rd, 2009 at 9:41 PM
Holy Insanity!! I thought 3 was 1 too many!
My husband won’t get the snip either. From what I hear, childbirth is a lot worse.
He also thinks going on a walk is a waste of time.
Wusses…
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muskrat Reply:
November 24th, 2009 at 3:32 PM
@Gin, It is insanity. Hope y’all are doing well…
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November 24th, 2009 at 2:03 PM
Something something disco stick something something haha something something something withholds sex something something something sack up something something snip snip.
Seriously dude. It’s an arthroscopic procedure. You don’t even need stitches. Done in the office. You get to keep your shirt on. Talk about golf. Sing show tunes.
.-= califmom´s last blog ..And Now, We Wait =-.
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Muskrat Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 9:44 AM
@califmom, you know i don’t talk about golf. i like talking about cocaine and hookers.
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November 24th, 2009 at 7:35 PM
Congrats, you and your wife are very brave … and blessed (and I am nowhere near the religious type, just love babies
!
.-= Karen MEG´s last blog ..Hope 4 Anissa =-.
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Muskrat Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 9:45 AM
@Karen MEG, Everyone loves a good baby every now and then, right?
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November 24th, 2009 at 9:03 PM
Oh I’m so sorry you’ve been burdened this way.
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Muskrat Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 9:44 AM
@david, We’ll be fine. Thanks for your concern.
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November 24th, 2009 at 9:40 PM
It could be worse…your Pretty Bride could be 48, your kids could be in high school and beyond…you could have been contemplating retirement…you could be anticipating the birth of grandchildren and then find out you were pregnant! Don’t laugh. It happens (happened)! All I can say is SNIP SNIP!
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Muskrat Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 9:46 AM
@lojo, Oh my. Did you watch “Father of the Bride 2″ last night, or are your reading from your autobiography. Either way…oh my.
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November 24th, 2009 at 10:25 PM
Holy shit! Congratulations!
(Your cider house is so gonna rule!)
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Muskrat Reply:
November 25th, 2009 at 9:46 AM
@maggie dammit, Thanks…it should rule. We’ll totally spike our cider, too.
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November 25th, 2009 at 8:38 AM
For my part, I’m starting to get over the total shock and denial and move on to excited and anticipatory. And I think after pushing four people out my pootenanie, least the ‘Rat can do is have an itty-bitty outpatient procedure.
And I think my exact words were: (tearfully) “Don’t be an ass.” But I’m not keeping notes or anything.
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Muskrat Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 8:27 PM
@pretty bride, not keeping notes? right.
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Pretty Bride Reply:
December 2nd, 2009 at 10:43 PM
Hey! I am a loving, supportive, adoring spouse who puts out (quite often, it would appear). BE NICE!
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November 25th, 2009 at 3:42 PM
i’m catching up on my blogs. i come to one of my favorites…that would be yours. and think “awww…i see cider house rules..we were just tweeting about that quote the other day. and then i read further down..wowser. and then there were…6?? super muskrat! he/she will be adorable! just like all your other kiddos!!
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Muskrat Reply:
November 28th, 2009 at 8:29 PM
@emacgrass, i just hope the little guy is healthy and isn’t 6 weeks early like the last one. we need another boy up in here. i guess we’ll find out if we’re getting on in 3 weeks.
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November 27th, 2009 at 11:57 PM
Oh My God! Congratulations you fertile little freak!
.-= Carolyn Online´s last blog ..Lessons in Cool. =-.
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Muskrat Reply:
December 1st, 2009 at 12:48 PM
@carolyn online, Um, thanks?
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December 1st, 2009 at 11:01 AM
Hey, congratulations? My sympathies?
All I really had to say this morning was “Roll Tide!”, but also now congratulations.
But seriously, if your alma mater could find a way to humiliate the Gators, that would really make me feel better.
.-= A Free Man´s last blog ..Somethin’ filled up my heart with nothin’, someone told me not to cry. =-.
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Muskrat Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 9:39 AM
@ a free man, I believe we did just that. You’re welcome.
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December 5th, 2009 at 4:15 PM
I was just going to say, PB is pretty persuasive apparently.
Congrats to you both!
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Muskrat Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 9:40 AM
@motherhood uncensored, She is. And, I’m glad your warrior veteran husband shares my phobias. I feel better already.
.-= Muskrat´s last blog ..things of which i am not a fan: god’s use of irony =-.
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December 6th, 2009 at 9:21 PM
Also, you’re scared of the surgery too? I’m going to show my husband this post.
In fact, I’m sending him the link now.
.-= Motherhood Uncensored´s last blog ..Kristen’s Resolutions =-.
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Muskrat Reply:
January 2nd, 2010 at 8:37 PM
@motherhood uncensored, As a scare tactic? Did it work?
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December 6th, 2009 at 9:22 PM
Holy crap. I just popped over here from your year in review post and I somehow had no idea you were pregnant. Thank you for having babies so I don’t have to. With the fourth, you’re not only replacing yourselves on this earth, but my husband and me as well. Thanks for the favor. You rock, man. And congrats to your wife for the book! I see you told JD she got approached without soliciting. Awesome! Give me her blog address, please.
.-= Junk Drawer Kathy´s last blog ..What Was That Crazy Contraption? =-.
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Muskrat Reply:
January 2nd, 2010 at 8:38 PM
@Kathy, Um, thanks? I try to do my part. I’ll DM you the info.
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January 2nd, 2010 at 5:26 PM
Congrats! (Better late than never, right? I’m behind on life!)
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muskrat Reply:
April 15th, 2010 at 8:49 PM
@maigh, That’s okay…baby isn’t here yet anyway.
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January 17th, 2010 at 1:37 PM
[...] unexpected baby I announced in November before telling any friends or family came Saturday. The one whose gender I publicly lamented. [...]
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March 3rd, 2011 at 11:39 AM