Baby Neighborhood

on elimination


At 6:50 this morning, I was in Musktopia.  I was frolicking on lake shores, eating shell crackers and kicking some beaver ass.  A previously unnoticed beaver rose from his dam with warpaint on his face and a bow in his hand.  His battle cry of “Ahgopotty Ahgopotty Ahgopotty!” was my only warning.  An arrow came flying towards me, and, as soon as it left the evil beaver’s bow, struck my chest.

I lurched from the bed.  Looked around.  The monitor was blaring from upstairs, “Oh go potty!  Oh go potty!”  I ran upstairs, grabbed the Toddler from her crib, and headed for the toilet.  I felt warm liquid running down my stomach.  Damn that beaver for his accuracy!  But, of course, it wasn’t muskrat blood on my underbelly, but Toddler’s urine.  I was too late.

Not an hour later, I’m on my neighbor’s porch in my pajamas while our two dogs pee in one another’s yards.  I’m hearing about the redneck bar they visited last night in Gwinnett County.  The Toddler is in her night shirt and is standing in the neighbor’s grass.  Her face scrunches.

Me:  “Maddie, what’re you doing?”
Toddler:  “I go poop.”
Me:  “NOOOOOOOO!  You do not poop in our neighbor’s yard!  Hold it while we run to the toilet, okay?”
Toddler:  “No!  I poop right here, Daddy.”
Erric the Neighbor:  “It’s not like your Dad doesn’t shit in our yard every night.”

I run inside, grab a plastic grocery store bag from our reservoir, and head back outside.

Pretty Bride:  “Winnie crapped in the neighbor’s yard again, I see?”
Me:  “Nope.  Your daughter did.”

For other blogs featuring potty humor, check out these humorous blogs!

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  1. Be glad its just once. At a school I used to work at, we had a kid who preferred to pee and poop outside in neighbor’s yard 5/6 year old. The classroom he was in had a door to the outside and they had to watch out for him when he asked to go to the bathroom that he didn’t go outside. Come to think of it, I wonder why he didn’t ask to go outside?

  2. bwah ha ha!!!!

    i have five children.. the oldest 3 boys, and i’ve never had any of them perform bodily functions in the neighbor’s yard. you have one special child there, dude.

    (though, i admit, i’d rather have them crap in the neighbor’s yard than in a chair in the living room..)

  3. it’s also better than having to wash away poop that was smeared on the walls…

    did i do it?? am i number 1000???

  4. ahahaha! AND. . . am I the 1000 comment??

  5. ChurchPunkMom, Congrats for being my 1000th comment!

    ChatBlanc, No, but 1001 is cool, right? And, I wasn’t getting much interest today anyway (which is typical for a Saturday), so good on you.

    SwedishSkier, I know why he didn’t ask to go outside. Because he was a loser.

  6. sweet!! but i kinda cheated didn’t i..?

    i’m a dirty cheater…

  7. I’m so glad I’m sterile. 🙂 Just sayin’.

  8. Ewwww! But at least she had the smarts to not go on herself.

    My niece (6 months) poops every other day (don’t know why she doesn’t go daily) so when it comes, it leaks through her diaper onto anything and everything. I DO NOT hold her on poop days because you never know when it will happen.

  9. Oh, SNAP. I’m laughing out loud… Love the way you tell a story…

  10. avatgardener

    Puzzled pater ponders problem. Petite princess pees/poops perplexing places.
    Punishment? pish posh.
    Pampers? Perhaps.

    I offer advice, if you want it.

  11. avatgardener

    nice new banner, tho I do miss the graffiti’d wall.

  12. Is that a picture of a bulldog in a tutu? Is that dog’s name Winnie? If so, that would be funny – I have a bulldog named Winnie that wears a boa.

  13. AnnaL, Thanks!
    AvatG, Yeah, I miss it too. I didn’t intend for it to be changed on this site, but I’m developing a new look for my move to The pic makes more sense with that URL. The developer put it on this one as well, which I thought was a bit premature. I plan to stick the old one on my new “about” page if I can, so that it doesn’t go away.

    Sherri, Winnie is my dog, and the bulldog is my neighbor’s dog; its name is Flavia.

  14. If the bulldog was yours, named Winnie and wearing a tutu, it would all be very strange… as though you were me, only without a vagina. [actually, I have no clue. you might have a vagina. if you do, my apologies for assuming.]And oh my, Toddler is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.

  15. Ah, the joys of potty training.

    I remember one time my daughter stripped down, sat on the toilet, pronounced “No pee!” and then promptly walked into the office, squatted, and left a puddle on the carpet.

  16. Really sort of reinforces that old adage about good fences and good neighbors.

  17. Since I know we were asleep in bed when Toddler woke up and cried to go potty, I wonder what “kicking some beaver ass” represents in your extended metaphor? Dirty? Or not dirty?

  18. The apple certainly doesn’t fall very far from the tree.

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