I’m worried my little girl wants to be stripper. Every day, I crawl across 9 miles of middle fingers and ineptitude (usually 45-60 minutes), pull into the garage, carry my laptop and “homework” upstairs, open the door, and walk in to find bare girl parts. Sometimes, they’re complemented with the […]
I’ll bet I have a better “worst cacophony” story than you do. In fact, I dare you, Internets, to come up with a better story about a horrendous noise than this one: the sound a bitch makes while being dragged by her doggy vag. When I was about 12, our […]
On our family vacation of 1989, as you already know, I crapped in a hotel sauna and then watched some hapless man go inside for just long enough to run out and, presumably, vomit. Well, that wasn’t the only misplaced turd I left somewhere across the American West during August […]
Maggie was the curly-haired terrier that lived across the street from us with her soon-to-be-divorced cardiologist and housewife parents. She was orange and brown and weighed about as mush as I did in 1983 when I met her one spring afternoon as she came bounding across her parents’ front yard, […]
It was Friday, March 13, 1992, and Chad and I had 30 minutes to kill before Trey would clock out at Kroger. Next door lay Drakes Creek park, where I used to ride my blue Mongoose over the BMX track a few years prior. I looked at that chunk of […]
