what dogs have joined together, let no man put asunder

mating-dogs

I’ll bet I have a better “worst cacophony” story than you do.  In fact, I dare you, Internets, to come up with a better story about a horrendous noise than this one:  the sound a bitch makes while being dragged by her doggy vag.

When I was about 12, our next door neighbors had a shi-tzu named Cubby (they were from Chicago and liked baseball teams that sucked).  They didn’t want Cubby to have puppies but were too cheap to get her insides pulled out or sewn up or whatever the hell it is that vets do to doggy reproductive parts.  So, they kept her quarantined on their screened-in porch all day while packs of male dogs brought their hard-ons and urine streams to call on Cubby.

One Saturday while my family was having lunch, Cubby decided she absolutely had to have some doggy dick.  So, she found a seam in the screen, nosed her little head through, raised her body upwards, ripped a hole in the screen, and leaped out into the grass.  Right in the middle of about 5 dogs with full-on lipstick who were waiting for her.  We were in for canine Caligula.

Of course, she went for the biggest of the group–a boxer.  Natural selection and all.  The boxer mounted Cubby, and Cubby started givin’ what she got.  We enjoyed our ham sandwiches and lemonade from 20 yards away behind paned glass.

Cubby’s owners heard the moans.  They weren’t happy.  The father came out and started screaming at the boxer, “Get out of here!  Shoo!”

So, the boxer shooed.  While Cubby was attached.  Apparently, once dogs lock up, they can’t unlock until the mounter is finished with the mountee.

The boxer bound across the backyard, dragging Cubby by her nethers, her little body bumping along the tree roots scattered about their wooded backyard as he ran.  Here’s when the cacophony began:

from Cubby:  MMMMRRRAAARRRFFFFF!!!!
translation:  “I’d heard it might hurt the first time, but HOLY SHIT!”
from the boxer:  MMMWWWOOOOFFFF!!!!
translation:  “I gots to get this bitch off my jock befo’ her Daddy put a cap in my ass!”

Matt and Amy, the two children of the house, ran out into the yard and started crying like only children who are watching their pet be tortured can do.  Then they started blaming each other.

This was the funny part.

My little brother and I–along with both of our parents–had already had the privilege of watching doggie porn, but now we were getting to see a family feud as well!  This was before the days of Jerry Springer, so families who fought off fornicating canines and then blamed one another for letting it happen were still novel.

A few minutes later, the lovers separated, and Cubby got sent to the vet to be “fixed.”  I never saw the boxer again, but I’m certain he still pines for Cubby and stalks her on Dogbook.

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30 responses to “what dogs have joined together, let no man put asunder”

  1. SciFi Dad says:

    what man has read, he cannot unread

    so it is written, so it has come to pass

    SciFi Dad’s last blog post..How To Succeed… Chapter 2: Bribery

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  2. Countessa says:

    I read “full-on lipstick” and thought “Dogs that crossdress?” until I realized what you meant. I am such a loser goober. Do not look at me in my shame.

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  3. avatgardener says:

    cute cubby courts canine c*ck. causes commotion.

    pervert puppy primps. plays at porn. pants. (re)pents.

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  4. avatgardener says:

    ok. what i want to know: are female dog’s reproductive cavities called pussies like the same space is called for humans? or would that just be too weird?

    I am back and I sure missed some good stuff. 3 weeks without connectivity is not a vacation, as far as I am concerned.

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  5. SSG says:

    eugh doggy lipstick. eughhhhhh

    SSG’s last blog post..Fuh-fuh-fuh-Friday!!!!

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  6. SSG says:

    and what did you google to get the above picture?

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  7. Nooter says:

    porn. cooool…

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  8. Very touching story. It got me right … well, never mind where it got me. Just one question: Why did your next door neighbors name their Japanese massage? I’ve never heard of anyone naming a massage, Japanese or otherwise.

    Joel Klebanoff’s last blog post..Food Testing

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  9. Pretty Bride says:

    I did not need to hear this story. Again.

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  10. Matt says:

    It’s been a while since a post got me chuckling out loud…nice job.

    Matt’s last blog post..It’s the economy stupid!

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  11. Clearly you never heard my college roommate when she was in heat. She makes dogs in heat sound like angels singing.

    Catherinette Singleton’s last blog post..I’d Like to Riverdance All Over Your Stupid Mouth

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  12. NukeDad says:

    Did you get the picture from Animal Planet or FHM? This happened to a dog in our neighborhood once; I know the sound of which you speak. I’ll bet it sounded a little like Pelosi’s office when she found out that her private airline had been found out.

    NukeDad’s last blog post..That Was Quick…

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  13. avatgardener says:

    Whoa NukeDad, way to work politics into nasty dogs!! Bravo.

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  14. muskrat says:

    SciFiDad, Why would anyone want to “unread” this gem? This is a favorite story amount my FIRL (friends in real life)!

    Countessa, *looking in shame*

    AvatGardener, Good to see you around! I’m not sure what it’s called, and I don’t want to know.

    SSG, “mating dogs.” I google that phrase every week, actually.

    Nooter, Down boy! Behave.

    Joel, Because they were from Chicago, and Yankees are different.

    PrettyBride, You just miss my oral delivery and sound effects.

    Matt, Glad you appreciate my juvenile humor today!

    NukeDad, Exactly! And, I’m sorry you’ve heard “the sound” too.

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  15. Jormengund says:

    Muskrat:

    Has there ever been a time when you’ve possibly tied cat tails together, and strung them over a clothes line?

    That sound is much worse by far.

    Speaking of which..

    Just how far did that boxer drag the other pup?

    I want to see if they could possibly set a distance record to put in Ripley’s…

    Jormengund’s last blog post..Tuesday Blues

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  16. Sammanthia says:

    I went outside today to let the dogs in and they were having a lesbian lovefest in the backyard. The clean-up crew was working in the neighbors backyard and were pointing and laughing. Jeez.

    Sammanthia’s last blog post..*Insert Catchy Title Here*

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  17. A Free Man says:

    You’re a twisted motherfucker.

    A Free Man’s last blog post..Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky

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  18. diesel says:

    I thought Dogbook was the funniest part of this until I realized it’s a real thing. Now I’m just sad.

    When I was a kid, my dog got in a fight with a possum. Unbelievable racket. I ended up beating the possum to death with a 2×4. Twice.

    diesel’s last blog post..How to Get a Telemarketer to Hang up on You

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  19. muskrat says:

    Jormengund, She was dragged a good 15 feet. Not pretty. I did some mean things to cats in my day, but not that bad.

    Samanthia, Really? Was this the crew you dropped trou in front of, or another public servant?

    FreeMan, Thanks!

    Diesel, Oh, it’s real all right. And you’re sicker in the head than I am, Mr Possum-Beater-Upper.

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  20. Swedishskier says:

    Cats make an awful noise when they’re through mating because the male has barbs on his penis so when he pulls out it rips the female so she’ll be less likely to mate with other males. Its a pretty nasty racket. Poor kitties.
    That’s your generally unimportant information for today compliments of my mom, the vet, and also a lover of generally unimportant information.

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  21. Have you ever heard cats mate? I bet it rivals the sound of a doggie being dragged by her nethers.. See, male cats have a ‘barbed tip’. So that when they ‘exit’ the ‘premesis’ they take a little flesh along. This way if another male cat comes a sniffin’, he’ll be turned off by the scent of blood.

    Just thought I’d share that with ya. 😉
    You’re welcome.

    ChurchPunkMom’s last blog post..Operation World Domination

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  22. jim bob says:

    I witnessed the same thing…only we (my next door neighbor and I) interrupted the public fornication with a red ryder bee bee gun. These dogs were of similar size, so we saw a more intense tug o’ war, followed by what can only be described as the ‘Running V.’

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  23. “This was before the days of Jerry Springer, so families who fought off fornicating canines and then blamed one another for letting it happen were still novel.”

    Way too funny! Loved that last part!!!!

    And to Countessa – I totally didn’t get the lipstick thing until after reading your comment. *shrug shrug*

    A Free Man – And yet you thought it would be appropriate for a Sunday school teacher to interview him. 🙂 🙂 🙂

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  24. Whoops!!!!! The computer ate my first response & then when I was retyping it and I quoted you, I HAD written,

    “WAY too funny!!!!” Loved that last line! But the computer ate that fact the first time and then the second time I neglected to mention it.

    I tried to fix it with your “click to edit” button, but I don’t know if it worked.

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  25. Stickman says:

    This reminds me a lot of my wedding for some reason. Odd.

    Stickman’s last blog post..Tetris Tetris Tetris!

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  26. Bee says:

    The most disturbing noise I have ever heard was a pig being butchered. They stab it in the heart and drain the blood until it dies. ::shiver::

    Bee’s last blog post..A story in which we mourn a crocodile, a cat and my father-in-laws pride. Just kidding Pop R.

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  27. Harlin says:

    Ahh, prose that even Hugh Hefner would be proud of. Probably would fit in well right behind the centerfold. U R A nut! Something tells me you spend waaaay too much time on youtube. <— I’m also addicted, welcome to the club, uh, I mean group.

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  28. I adore puppies. I just got one particular a week ago and it has not been trained yet and has bitten me a handful of times but its practically nothing to be concerned about, i can train it well. I hope 🙂

    [Reply]

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    [Reply]

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