what dogs have joined together, let no man put asunder
I’ll bet I have a better “worst cacophony” story than you do. In fact, I dare you, Internets, to come up with a better story about a horrendous noise than this one: the sound a bitch makes while being dragged by her doggy vag.
When I was about 12, our next door neighbors had a shi-tzu named Cubby (they were from Chicago and liked baseball teams that sucked). They didn’t want Cubby to have puppies but were too cheap to get her insides pulled out or sewn up or whatever the hell it is that vets do to doggy reproductive parts. So, they kept her quarantined on their screened-in porch all day while packs of male dogs brought their hard-ons and urine streams to call on Cubby.
One Saturday while my family was having lunch, Cubby decided she absolutely had to have some doggy dick. So, she found a seam in the screen, nosed her little head through, raised her body upwards, ripped a hole in the screen, and leaped out into the grass. Right in the middle of about 5 dogs with full-on lipstick who were waiting for her. We were in for canine Caligula.
Of course, she went for the biggest of the group–a boxer. Natural selection and all. The boxer mounted Cubby, and Cubby started givin’ what she got. We enjoyed our ham sandwiches and lemonade from 20 yards away behind paned glass.
Cubby’s owners heard the moans. They weren’t happy. The father came out and started screaming at the boxer, “Get out of here! Shoo!”
So, the boxer shooed. While Cubby was attached. Apparently, once dogs lock up, they can’t unlock until the mounter is finished with the mountee.
The boxer bound across the backyard, dragging Cubby by her nethers, her little body bumping along the tree roots scattered about their wooded backyard as he ran. Here’s when the cacophony began:
from Cubby: MMMMRRRAAARRRFFFFF!!!!
translation: “I’d heard it might hurt the first time, but HOLY SHIT!”
from the boxer: MMMWWWOOOOFFFF!!!!
translation: “I gots to get this bitch off my jock befo’ her Daddy put a cap in my ass!”
Matt and Amy, the two children of the house, ran out into the yard and started crying like only children who are watching their pet be tortured can do. Then they started blaming each other.
This was the funny part.
My little brother and I–along with both of our parents–had already had the privilege of watching doggie porn, but now we were getting to see a family feud as well! This was before the days of Jerry Springer, so families who fought off fornicating canines and then blamed one another for letting it happen were still novel.
A few minutes later, the lovers separated, and Cubby got sent to the vet to be “fixed.” I never saw the boxer again, but I’m certain he still pines for Cubby and stalks her on Dogbook.