first impressions

A few hours ago, I got an email that included a nice article on how often young children need affectionate touching from their parents.  It talked about needing like 12 hugs a day and how rubbing feet can be good for teens.  It made me want to give warm affection to all the little screamers occupying our extra bedrooms.

The email came from Emily.  I’ve known Emily since I was 14 and figured she’d find my response humorous:

Thanks for sending this!  As you know, I used to LOVE touching the neighborhood children, but after more than five restraining orders, that shit had to stop!

A few hours later, my bride was seated beside me on her MacBook going through her email.

Her:  Did you see that nice email from Owen’s teacher today?
Me:  No.  They must not have my email address.  Was it important?
Her:  It was about hugging your children.  Healthy touches, etc.  See?  I have it here in my inbox.
Me:  No, that email came from Emily!  I wrote her a funny response…
Her:  Owen’s teacher is named Emily.  His new teacher at his new school.  Whose opinion of our son and us is important.
Me:  *dies*

I don’t even know how to fix this.  Our plan is for my wonderful bride to “say something” at drop off tomorrow morning.

To be continued…

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  1. Pretty Bride

    I feel conflicted. Am hoping, since the email address wasn’t the teacher’s usual one, that we can let it slide. But what if we don’t, and she doesn’t know how to broach the topic? Rock, meet hard place. Dirty, dirty hard place.

  2. Ouch!

    You are just going to have to go in, hat in hand, and straighten it out.

    Look for cues from your wife for when to stop talking.

    Your life is a sitcom.

  3. Oh. Oh, my. I’m…trying not to laugh. Honest.


  4. Pretty Bride

    P.S. You are ridiculous, and I laughed so hard I cried.

  5. Heh. Just tell her the email was meant for someone else.

  6. Oh, my, God.

    Dying laughing. At your expense. It feels really good, actually.

    Have fun cleaning up that mess. heh.

  7. Hahahahahahaha
    I agree with Rene!
    But hahahahahaha!

  8. I’d let The Wife make the first move. You don’t want to be reaching out and touching anybody just now…

  9. See. I told you your wife was the smart one. Not that you asked, but I would totally implement a damage control plan. And for the record, “healthy touch” is *good*, but it’s also code for *bring on the inappropriate humor*. I love that this stuff happens to other people. Now, you two get on outta that “dirty, dirty hard place.” 🙂

  10. Would you be offended if I chortled for a bit at your expense? 😉

  11. Oh. My.
    That is hilarious. And so mortifying. I don’t have any actual advice, just…wow.

  12. At least you didn’t tell her about your enormous penis.
    Or did you?
    You probably did ….

    p.s. Say hi to Pretty Bride for me!

  13. This is so fantastic.

  14. Pretty Bride

    Crap. I forgot all about this when I did drop-off today. Maybe that’s why she looked at me funny through the classroom window as we approached?? Will have to take care of it at pick-up–when all the other mothers are around. So now, not only will the teacher think you’re a perv, but the other kids’ moms won’t let Owen come over and play with them. Ever.

    Well done, Muskrat. Well done.

  15. Laughed so hard I aspirated coffee. Thanks, dude.

  16. LOL!!! How on earth are you going be able to tell the teacher, “I’m NOT a sex offender” without sounding just like a sex offender? Good luck!

  17. Ooooh…. you gonna be in troublllllle…..

  18. Hilarious, in that I am glad it didn’t happen to me kinda way.

  19. Wow, dude. Just, wow.

  20. Pingback: patching up damaged first impressions | The Muskrat

  21. –>I just laughed out loud at work. I’m also thankful that my son’s pre-K teacher is Rebecca and I have no friends that go by that name.

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