scenes from a sexual harassment deposition

Today, a client was deposed in a sexual harassment case.  The defense attorney is named Ray.  Ray is a good bit older than I am.

Here are some excerpts from the exchanges:

Ray:  Look – I am neutral here.  My job is only to find out the facts about what you say happened – good, bad, and ugly.  This isn’t formal.  I have no dog in this fight.
Me:  Ray, who is paying you to be here?
Ray:  Well, the company is but I’m still neutral.
Me:  If this goes to litigation, who is representing them, then?
Ray:  Me.
Me:  Okay.  I’m cool with your asking her questions, but let’s refrain from telling her you’re neutral.
Ray:  Ok.  Ok.  Ok.  I mean, ok!  Can I still interview her?
Me (channeling Rocky Balboa to Clubber Lang):  Go for it.

And so it began.  Then, we got to some of the issues leading up to the harassment.

Client:  So he hit me on Facebook with this nasty message.
Ray:  He HIT you?!!!
Me:  Off the record.  Ray, you’re kidding, right?

After we sorted out what urban lingo like “hit me on Facebook” meant, we learned of the defendant’s habits in the bathroom.

Client:  He also told everyone he was on a laxative called “Smooth Move” to lose weight.  He told me he took his daily blow-outs at the BP near work, and he would call the BP just before he needed to have a movement, ask to speak to the manager, and tell the manager, “Hey I was just there, and your bathrooms are a wreck!”  That way they’d be nice and clean, and he could relax in comfort with a magazine and–let me quote him directly–“SHIT.  IT.  OUUUUUT!”
Ray:  Now, none of this sounds like it’s sexual…
Client:  Well you haven’t let me get to the part where he told me he’d fuck me so hard I’d leave my husband.
Ray:  Anything else specific?
Client:  He also told me that if I’d let him get with me he’d hurt me.
Ray:  Now, did you take this to mean that he was talking about the size of his…. um….. manhood?
Client:  Well, I think he was being sexual when he told me his dick was so big he’d split me in half.
Me:  I’m not claiming to be an expert, but I’d categorize that as “sexual” in nature.

Then we discussed whether this fine gentleman bothered anyone else at the workplace.

Ray:  Was there anyone else whom he harassed or targeted, so to speak?
Client:  Yeah.  Marta.  She’s Cuban, but he calls her “Mexico” for some damned reason.
Ray:  Did you witness any exchanges with Marta?
Client:  Well, I heard him tell Marta that if he fucked her, and they made a baby, the baby would be beautiful because it would have good hair and be light-skinned.
Ray:  Do you think he said that, implying that a Mexican and black mixed race child would have attributes from both races and therefore would have lighter skin and straighter hair than someone with two black parents?
Client:  No, I think he was more implying he wanted Marta and him to have sex.

Don’t you wish you got to hear such playful banter at your place of employment?


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  1. Sybil Law

    Your client seems on -the -ball, though!
    I wonder if Ray is in some bar right now, drinking scotch and bitching about the kids and their lingo today. “He hit me on the Facebook!”
    I’ve been drinking.
    But I did find the banter pretty funny!

  2. Sup, Muskrat!
    I LOVE these snippets. They kill me.
    I know he’s doing his job, but “eff” Ray.
    Oh, and I LOVE how you dunk on Ray. Your client is a baller too.
    Share ANYtime. I dig ‘yer stories.


  3. “Playful banter”. Play?

    You know, one of the key issues in a sexual harassment suit is to tell the difference between playing fair, and playing rough.

    And the “I’m neutral” trick just astonishes me. Was that a lie, or a fantasy?

  4. LindaSalem

    In 1992, I did a Senior Thesis on Sexual Harassment for a business law class. I was both fascinated and appalled at the crap (mainly) women have had to put up with on our way to equality thanks to dimwits like Ray. I’m assuming your client went to the employer and told them they had a dipstick in their employ and then the company proceeded to do nothing. They must not have kept up with the 20th let alone the 21st century case law on her right not to have some moron spew his sexual fantasies in her direction. Hopefully, Ray now understands that his client certainly has “a dog in this fight.” I’m surprised your client’s husband didn’t offer to rearrange this guy’s face. My hubby-honey sure would have. However, litigation has it’s own (financial) rewards. Good luck to you and your client.

  5. I was rooting against Ray from the word “neutral.”

  6. I’m kinda jealous of you right now. Actually really jealous.

  7. Well, I’M turned on now. And warning a lady that you’re so huge you’ll split her in two is just good old-fashioned manners. I’m sure Miss Manners and Dear Prudence will both back me on that one. You lawyers will ruin our society yet.

  8. I should have gone to law school … If for no other reason than to gather some downright hysterical blog content while at work.

    • @Daddy Scratches, Look at you! Commenting on a blog besides Jenny’s! And yes, I’d love for you to have gotten a JD, too, but I’m not sure you would love to have gotten one. You’re too cool for this shit.

  9. We have this kind of talk at my job all the time. Of course, since I work at home, its usually between me and the dog. BTW, he said he needed your number for a lawsuit he wants to file.

    • @always home, Sounds like your dog deserves to be fired. Hurry up and do it, so that our damages will be greater when I start my representation.

  10. This is the best “Matlock” episode EVER.

  11. Muskrat, I’d fuck you so hard I’d hurt you.

  12. Pingback: 2011: the year of the muskrat | The Muskrat

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