I’m worried my little girl wants to be stripper. Every day, I crawl across 9 miles of middle fingers and ineptitude (usually 45-60 minutes), pull into the garage, carry my laptop and “homework” upstairs, open the door, and walk in to find bare girl parts.
Sometimes, they’re complemented with the feather boa I got at BlogHer. Other times, by furry, hot pink bunny ears. Many times, by a pair of candy apple red or leopard print high heels from Pretty Bride’s side of the overstuffed walk-in closet. But the bare girl parts are a constant.
Today, there were no accouterments, just cooter. She was standing in front of the stereo speakers dancing to some old INXS delivered by XM ’80s. Bare ass shaking as Michael Hutchence told us about his Devil Inside.
Maddie: Dance with me, Daddy!
Me: But you’re nekkid!
Pretty Bride: She’s not naked. She’s nude!
Me: Until she’s on a canvas at the High, she’s naked. Did she have an accident?
Me: Then why are you runnin’ around nekkid?
Maddie: Because I am.
Me: I am? Who are you, Jesus Christ?
Maddie: Jesus loves me, Daddy.
Which got me to thinking about Jesus and his admonition against judging. Which got me to thinking about a family reunion I attended about 25 years ago at my great grandparents’ farm in Boaz, Alabama. And how, right when all the old folks were sitting at card tables strewn about the apple orchard eating watermelon and turnip greens and fried chicken, my little brother and I tossed off our trousers and collared shirts, sprinted down the middle of 50+ geriatric kinfolk who were catching up on Aunt Ethel’s health and Uncle Luther’s retirement, and screamed, “It’s the adventures of NAKED MAN!”
Naked Man was my alter ego. My Hulk, as I was his David (or Bruce) Banner. All it took was my mother’s bridge group’s settling in around their face cards and cocktails, or my father’s Gideons camp’s planning their next Bible distribution, and Naked Man would make an appearance, often trailed by his younger, considerably less well-hung accomplice, Wannabe Naked Man.
Which got me to thinking: I’m so fucked.