my three-year-old can’t spin a yarn for shit


Tonight after bath time, I suggested that I make up a story instead of relying on the same old shit about large red dogs, princesses, queens who don’t march in Pride, or brown bears with white girl intruders.  Maddie agreed.

I told a story about our dog Winnie and her secret identity as a caped doggy superhero who flies through the ‘hood at night helping children who are one hour short of an Amber alert and cats who are one hour short of a 911 call to the fire department.  “Super Winnie” it was called.  It was brilliant.

She smiled.  I smiled.  I suggested she go to bed, so I could have my nightly bourbon and check out all my new Twitter Pornbots. Instead:

Maddie:  Daddy, I want to read a story, too!
Me:  You mean “tell” a story?
Maddie:  Uh huh.
Me:  But it’s time for you to go to bed…
Maddie:  It’s about SUPER MADDIE!
Me:  Are you about to tell the story I just told, but substituting yourself in the dog’s place?  Because that’s pathetic.
Maddie:  Once upon a time, Supper Maddie flew in the sky and RESCUED Winnie and cats and Kal-El*!
Me:  Wow.  Super Maddie, huh?  How original.
Maddie:  And she would fly and have a cape and she was SUPER!
Me:  Super, huh?
Maddie:  And Winnie was RESCUED and babies were RESCUED and everybody was happy.  The End.
Me:  That was awful, Maddie.
Me:  Okay, time for bed.  Maybe tomorrow, you’ll use the right side of your brain to create a story instead of copying the dog.
Me:  See you in the morning.
Maddie:  Daddy?
Me:  Yeah?
Maddie:  Let’s read “Snow White” tomorrow.
Me:  Deal.

*Our neighbors named their son Kal-El.  I’m not sure if they love Nicholas Cage or Superman, but there it is, just the same.

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  1. Wow. Just start a fund *now* for her therapy bills.

  2. You do realize that Maddie is going to put you in a home someday… Right?
    .-= SiteInsights´s last blog ..Research Shows Healthy Sex Life Could Improve Career =-.

  3. For shame, father. She totally could have made that story up herself, but you just managed to tell it first because you two are so close, there’s like, this psychic connection. And with your admonishment, she just got that much closer to working a pole when she’s older and never believing in the paranormal.

    Too far?
    .-= Zoeyjane´s last blog ..On Identity =-.

  4. My kid does the same thing, except she has her own child (Dee Dee Doodle, who is both younger and older than her… how’s that for a temporal paradox worthy of any Star Trek episode?) and the kid ALWAYS gets what she wants (unlike the real world, where ogre-like parents refuse a child’s every wish).

    I think instead of Snow White, tonight you need to look up plagiarism in one of your Law 101 text books, dude.
    .-= SciFi Dad´s last blog ..August =-.

  5. avatgardener

    Tallish tweeter-er telling terrific tales temps toddler to try. Tragically. Tomorrow? Tried and true.

  6. Looking at the photo above, you canNOT deny that child. She looks like you. After spoiling lunch in space [or on the moon], and now her story, she’s going to start calling you “Daddy-Dream-Killer”.
    .-= Chris´s last blog ..The Women =-.

  7. Come on. Where’s the unconditional love for the toddler’s story? You’re supposed to clap. Or hi-5 or something.
    .-= Carolyn Online´s last blog ..Because I really want to call it a "strap-on." =-.

  8. Kal-El? Really? Wow, that kid is going to get picked on right and left.
    .-= Hilly´s last blog ..The One Where She Actually Smiles Like She Means It… =-.

  9. I think you’re just telling us this so that your wife doesn’t leave you home alone with the kids at night anymore.
    .-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..Why you cannot move in with your grandparents, Son. =-.

  10. Aw. What a heart-warming tale. Except for the part where you scar your child for life. Speaking of scarring, Kal-El? Geez. He’s gonna need a superhero.
    .-= JD at I Do Things´s last blog ..I Help the Masses so you don’t have to =-.

  11. She totally should have punched you in the junk. 🙂
    .-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Caught Looking =-.

  12. You go right ahead and be that way.

    She’s going to get her revenge in about 10 years.
    .-= Jan´s last blog ..Monsters, Eeek =-.

  13. ahhh, i just love a good ‘dog as the hero’ bedtime true-life history lesson
    .-= Nooter´s last blog ..Livin With The Maytag Repairman =-.

  14. Wow, that was cold, Dude. Now she may never be a writer and she’ll probably end up working with numbers.
    .-= Leeuna´s last blog ..Restless Dog Syndrome =-.

  15. First of all – way to crush a girl. Second of all, there is no way your neighbors named their kid Kal-El unless you live next to the Neverland Ranch or Chris Martin from Coldplay or some other shit. If that is true, my despair for my homelands just spills over.
    .-= A Free Man´s last blog ..When I was younger I thought I knew everything. Now I’m older I know I know everything. =-.

  16. Kal-el, seriously…why can’t people just go with Clark.
    .-= William´s last blog ..Stranger Celebrity =-.

  17. Better start copywriting your shit! LOL!
    .-= Keyona´s last blog ..At This Rate I’ll Have To Adopt, Or Borrow Your Husband =-.

  18. Personally, I think Maddie came up with her version of the super hero story FIRST and then you came up with your weak-ass one and being that you have this blog and the ability to tell your side of things here and she doesn’t, you went right ahead and made her look like the one whose lacking creativity when really? It’s you, you motherfucker.
    .-= Undomestic Diva´s last blog ..Bad shoes come to congregate at team mom meetings and other lessons =-.

  19. @Countessa, I know, I know. Working on it.
    @SiteInsights, I hope not. I figured I’d move in with her one day.
    @ZoeyJane, Wow…a pole AND a refusal to believe in telekinetic shit? I guess I won’t do it again.
    @SciFiDad, I think the plagiarism thing is brilliant. Totally will put her to sleep, too!
    @AvatGardener, Try, try, timid toddler.
    @Chris, Dream Killer? Surely you jest!
    @CarolineOnline, There are a lot of “you’re supposed to…” acts that I don’t exactly do.
    @Hilly, You ain’t lying. It’ll be ugly in a few years.
    @Britt, Exactly right. Let’s see if it works.
    @JD, Tina Turner was wrong…he needs another hero!
    @CoalMiner’sGD, She prefers to step on it instead.
    @Jan, Lord, I hope not.
    @Nooter, As do I! Glad you liked it….
    @Leeuna, Don’t peeps who work with numbers make all the coin anyway?
    @FreeMan, Oh yes, they did. You need to come back and set Georgia straight again.
    @William, I call him “Clark” for short.
    @Keyona, I agree–especially since my shit is so good.
    @UndomesticDiva, You are a hateful woman. And wrong.
    @Xbox, Thanks for your support. These other peeps don’t get it.

  20. Heh, I say keep her on her toes. Great stuff.
    .-= Xbox4NappyRash´s last blog ..Purely hypothetical, naturally… =-.

  21. The Man of Steel rescuing Winnie the Pooh would make for a better plot than the Superman Returns movie. Piglet could play Lex Luthor.
    .-= CK Lunchbox´s last blog ..Language Barriers In Selling A Timeshare =-.

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