revenge without a baseball diamond


When I get good and angry at someone whom I know well enough to have access to his house, I like to give him an “upper decker.”  No, that doesn’t mean I take said bastard to Turner Field with a fistful of $5 tickets that damage nasal linings.  It means I take a shit in the tank portion of his toilet.

The first time I utilized this little trick was at a party in undergrad.  I’d had a few beers and then noticed that the girl I’d come there to talk to was spending more time talking to the host than she was with me.  Transferring my anger from her to the host, I politely excused myself, searched out his bedroom, walked into the adjoining bathroom, lifted the lid to the tank, and dropped trou (and poo).  I returned the cap to the tank and finished my business in the portion of the commode traditionally used for such purposes, and left.

Now, I use this tactic when I go to grocery stores whose line signs say “10 items or less.”

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  1. This is sadistically sickly awesome. How do you come up with this stuff?

    I’ve gotta go check my toilet tank.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..A conversation with M-: The wipe that shakes the barley

  2. This IS pretty cool! I wish I thought of stuff like this when someone pisses me off. Maybe we need a Muskrat’s Tips On How To Get Even book.

    Super Mega Dad’s last blog post..Daylight Savings Makes Me Sad

  3. Dude, this is a well known trick in these parts- “shit in the cistern”. And it is also rank.

    A one-man crusade, that;s what you are!

    SSG’s last blog post..Another post that changes tack half-way through

  4. Remind me not to invite you over for dinner.

    prefers her fantasy life’s last blog post..Thank You Mr. Liberal Unitarian English Teacher of My Tenth Grader

  5. You’re developing a bit of a bodily function schtick, aren’t you? Interesting… I’ve never heard of someone crapping in the tank, but I never lived in a frat house (spent many nights in them, but…). Pretty disgusting, but I’m thankful to you for teaching me things like “upper decker”, especially because I have three sons.

    Chris’s last blog post..Pasta Under the Piano

  6. Don’t forget that when performing said upper-decker, sprinkle some baby powder on the top of the water in the tank. That way, the person can’t see into the tank and has to scoop out the powder in order to see the source of the smell.

    Evil is a good thing. 🙂

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..It’s Up To Me To Stay Drug Free

  7. We did the same thing in college to the Lacrosse team, we hated those guys. I’m actually surprised anyone else knew about that term “Upper Decker.” Same ilk my disturbed friend, same ilk.

  8. Due to my inherently abrasive nature, I’m sorry to say that you’ll never be invited to my house.

    Snuggie cheap or not, it’s still a NEVER.

    Now, we could meet at your office.. If you have a public restroom, that is…

    Jormengund’s last blog post..Yarrrr!

  9. I’ve never heard of doing that. I’m blessed by the things I learn out here in the blogsphere.

    Jeff’s last blog post..Minnesota Fashion Statement

  10. LiteralDan, It takes a lot of living to come up with this type of shit, but thankfully, this suggestion isn’t exclusively mine. I did act on it, though.

    SuperDad, I agree! I should totally do that asap.

    SSG, I like to think of myself as a rebel.

    PrefersFantasyLife, Hey, don’t forget to not invite me to dinner, ok?

    Chris, Your sons will make many friends (and a few enemies) if they just follow my lead.

    CoalMiner’sGranddaughter, Brilliant! Thanks for helping me perfect this practice!

    AcornKing, Which is yet another reason you need to take that job in Atlanta. Think of all the shit we can pull!

    Jormengund, I’m coming over tomorrow night for dinner. Just so you know.

    Jeff, I’m a giver. What can I say?

  11. If I’ve ever offered an invitation to come down and visit could you go ahead and consider that retracted?

    A Free Man’s last blog post..Mercy’s eyes are blue when she places them in front of you

  12. this aquaturd fetish of yours is getting out of control. i am not putting a fish tank in my law office or you are not coming over. i have not decided which it will be yet

    Atlanta lawyer’s last blog post..Fulton County Jury Duty Can be an all Day Affair even for an Atlanta Injury Lawyer

  13. I really liked your blog! I will check back soon again thanx

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