Family

as of 8pm on january 24, i’m hung like a ken doll

thevan

Last night, I signed the biggest check I’ve ever written… in exchange for handing over my balls.  The recipient was so touched that he decided to give us a minivan in return!  I’d like to think that having a DVD player that will exclusively show “Top Gun,” “Gladiator,” “Braveheart,” and “Dances With Wolves” will help in my gradual reacquisition of the right to never again go by my new Indian name of “Sits When He Pees,” but I don’t have to ask my predominantly parental readers whether or not that plan will ever actually come to fruition.  Maybe if I invite some of my OIF veteran friends down for another trip to Atlanta Motor Speedway.  Otherwise, I’m afraid it’s going to be all Disney, all the time.

Shit.

Immediately after the three hours of haggling that concluded our six-hour trip to Woodstock, GA (the only dealer in metro Atlanta that had not sold out of the Honda minivans advertised on their websites), Pretty Bride and I went across the street to Taco Mac, where I downed 15 “three mile island” hot wings and some Pickaxe beer.  I almost sprouted a chest hair.  Almost.

It rides nicely and all (though I’m not used to describing an inanimate object in such fashion), but I’ve always thought if I were ever lucky enough to sit at the helm of a vehicle called “Odyssey,” I’d have on a G-suit.  And a bunch of furry minions would handle all my navigating and the necessary gassing up at shady stops along Uranus’s moons.

My next door neighbor, who grew up in the not-so-kind-to-gay-boys Florida panhandle, suggested I reclaim my virility by doing the “scooter poop” in one of the numerous back seats.  As soon as I figure out what the hell that means, I’m there.

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39 Comments

  1. All emasculation jokes aside, you’ll appreciate the cargo space if nothing else.

    For me, I HATE driving our minivan. HATE IT. I find the position (more like seated at a table, knees more bent) awkward, especially on long drives. Give me my “work car” (a full sized sedan) any day.

    SciFi Dad’s last blog post..Noises In The Night

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  2. When I told The Wife you were getting a minivan, she told me to let you know one thing: don’t get carried away with speed. She knows. She’s gotten a couple of tickets already with the company van.

    Unfinished Rambler’s last blog post..I was country when country wasn’t cool

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  3. Dude…just dude…

    I’ve never had one. Never will. I’ve even convinced my wife that they all harbor demons.

    I’ll see if I can find a set to mail you.

    Jim’s last blog post..Sunday Randomness

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  4. HA! you said ‘Uranus’s moons’.. hee hee..

    seriously though.. nice short bus. 😉

    ChurchPunkMom’s last blog post..The Other Girl (Part 2)

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  5. hang a pair of these on the back. be sure to snap a pic of pretty brides look on her face when she first sees them then post it for us!

    http://www.thatsnutz.com/truck-nuts-c-65.html

    Nooter’s last blog post..Coyote v. Road Runner

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  6. Hi. I’m pot. (not that kind) You’re kettle. I’m calling you black. If it’s any consolation, the back should hold 3 kegs w/trash cans and taps. My Mom had an Odyssey and she was a partier. Oh, and 500lbs of ice. Have fun at the speedway!

    NukeDad’s last blog post..If You Give A Hobo A Porkchop

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  7. I agree with the comment on the cargo space — I moved seven cats, three birds, and a big dog cross country (twice!) in a minivan. (It was a rental both times, so if you rent a minivan that smells a bit like cat pee, well, sorry, the cats were not happy campers the first time we moved…)

    It will be Disney if you’re lucky. If Satan smiles upon you, you will be stuck in traffic with Barney on a never-ending loop. (And you _are_ a lawyer…)

    Theresa B’s last blog post..Holy Cow

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  8. Vans are sexy. They tell passing women motorists about your sperm count. You will be in demand for the dalliances we all know lurk in every corner of your seemingly chaste suburban community.

    headbang8’s last blog post..A Highly Successful Plane Crash

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  9. All the chicks love a man that drives a minivan.

    Okay, so we both know that’s total bullshit. Is the wife happy now? That’s all that really matters anyway.

    Candice’s last blog post..Home girl was nuttier than a squirrel turd!

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  10. All things with wheels are sexy..

    errr…
    nice post..

    Sorcerer’s last blog post..< LAST SUNDAY >

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  11. manly-less mini-van makes muskrat miserable. Maturity??

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  12. headbang8 is right, we know you have what it takes to procreate, and to protect our young.
    I recommend driving gloves – – for the feel on the wheel. the cool leather ones with the knuckles cut out.

    personally, having read this blog since school started, I don’t see how you can see this costs your manliness. You have several pictures of you dressed in women’s clothes posted on this site. You are in touch with your feminine side. I believe the label of a few years ago of “metro-sexual” would apply to you. That is not a bad thing. You exhibit your manliness in other ways – – Nascar, wearing the military uniform, providing for your family. And having a son to carry on your name.
    BTW, my dad used to say that it takes a hell of a man to knock the balls off a fetus.
    AvaT

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  13. Truly. Both of my most recent less-than-cordial chats with law enforcement happened through the window of a 1999 Dodge Caravan. That thing has more cojones than you’d imagine. Its the whole no-sensation-of-going-any-faster at 85 MPH that’ll get ya.

    I told Himself the other day that his Indian name is ‘Dances With Overbite’. He didn’t get it.

    Shieldmaiden1196’s last blog post..Getting all up in it

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  14. The Honda Odyssey is the most bad-ass mini-van in existence. As one of seven children, I’ve ridden in a lot of vans, mini-vans, and station wagons, and that van starts out pretty pimped out. And of course if you spring for all the extras, it gets even sweeter. You won’t be able to go back to a car – you’ll have to downgrade to an SUV because you’ll love the height.

    raven-smiles’s last blog post..A Childhood Memory

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  15. Funny, funny post. Love the title. I think Barbie has more of a package than Ken.

    I won’t drive a mini-van [because I need to be in a tank – literally], so my husband’s still oozing testosterone, BUT, I hear they’re really great. Really great. [giggling just a little] Especially the Honda Odyssey.

    Congratulations on the purchase!

    Chris’s last blog post..I think we’ll be able to buff that right out…

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  16. Perhaps we could race our minivans down Indian Lake Road at 90mph the way we did our first cars. Not sure I could hang that hard right into the bat cave entrance like I did the “white zombie” though.

    The Figurehead’s last blog post..Weekend Training and time trial

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  17. Hmmm…just relish the fact, you have an ACURA engine in the thing, it is the smoothest ride you’ll ever have (think Michelins) and it will literally blow anything off the interstate (believe me).

    Harlin’s last blog post..2010 Honda Fury Makes World Debut at New York International Motorcycle Show

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  18. welcome to my world. granted, it’s a world of total uncool, where hip is no longer an option. welcome to it, none the less.

    (and for reference, you can also put Talledega Nights on and insist that PB be your driver while you bar hop with five of your best friends. not that CBR has even suggested… oh wait… yeah)

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  19. When my kids were little, I would have driven a vehicle that was nothing more than a giant DVD player on wheels if they’d had them. As it was, I was one of the first people to buy one of those combo 13″ TV/VCR units. Plus, I had my mechanic install special heavy duty cigarette lighter thingys so I could plug it in and it would stay on during refueling.

    I was all about the distraction baby.

    Jeff’s last blog post..Good morning… it’s -13 today!

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  20. I use to be able to fit a potty chair in our mini-van. Potty training never skipped a beat. Just avoid speed bumps and pot-holes.

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  21. SciFiDad, I do like the cargo room and can’t wait for our 5-hr drive to Gatlinburg over Memorial Day weekend!

    UnfinishedRambler, Really? I can’t imagine.

    Jim, Please send them my way.

    ChurchPunkMom, Short bus? That hurts.

    Nooter, That’s appalling but funny.

    NukeDad, I’m inspired. Thank you.

    Theresa, Ain’t no way in hell I’m playing Barney on that thing. No.

    Headbang8, You obviously haven’t been reading all that long, but it’s okay. I don’t live in a “chaste suburban community” but rather smack dab in the middle of the city of Atlanta. My little pocket of a neighborhood had 25 burglaries this year. It’s not chaste, either. Lots of rape!

    Candice, She is very happy. I actually enjoyed carting the family around yesterday in it, too.

    Sorcerer, So, is the toddler’s tricycle sexy? ‘Cause eww.

    WeaselMomma, Really?! Awesome.

    AvatGardner, I don’t like maturity. And, thanks! I am quite manly in my metrosexuality, I think.

    Shieldmaiden, I would’ve never believed it had you not told me yourself. And, I think UR has a great Indian name.

    RavenSmiles, Thanks for the encouragement!

    Avitable, Happy birthday. And duuuuude to you as well.

    Chris, I’m not feeling any genuineness in your enthusiasm. That’s okay, though.

    Figurehead, That’s gotta be one of the dumbest moves I’ve ever made while driving. That doesn’t mean I won’t repeat it, though. What was the name of that rough gravel road I took the Digger down?

    Harlin, Yeah, but I already have an Acura engine–in my Acura, remember? Do I really need another in the minivan?

    VivaH’Vegas, That’s an awesome idea! Let me know when y’all are coming down for such an adventure.

    Jeff, You’re a Renaissance man. Cutting edge and stuff.

    Sue, There’s no way I’m that bold.

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  22. Look on the bright side… uh hmmm I’m stumped! ;o)

    Bee’s last blog post.."Bee n’ Andy: Married and sometimes, still in love…"- Avalanche

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  23. hahaha you got a minivan.

    “It rides nicely and all”

    yeah but it is still a minivan.

    Of course this means when I do eventually get married and have kids (God help the world) I will be cursed to buy a minivan.

    That’s how life rolls for me. Damn you destiny!!!

    Chris C’s last blog post..Dating and Overthinking

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  24. My image of you is totally shattered. A minivan. I guess I’ll have to go elsewhere for my daily dose of butch.

    A Free Man’s last blog post..I was living in a devil town

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  25. Yannow. Perhaps we are looking at this the wrong way. we seem to be affixed to the mini in minivan when we should focus on the VAN in minivan.

    Install a kick ass sound system, lay down some shag carpet in the back, hang a small disco ball and put up some black lights. Is there a “moon roof”? If not get one cut in!! Curtains will be a nice touch- – tie dye fabric is in almost all the craft stores these days. Dribble some patchouli oil under the back seat, plug some AC/DC or Black Sabbath in the cd player (or equivalent) and cruise the high schools.
    Saturday night, leave the kids at grandma’s and take PB out for a “drive”. If no sitter available, sneak out after midnight (take the baby monitor) just to see “how it looks in the dark”. especially if there is a moon roof.
    Once you’ve broken in your van, you will feel much better about it.

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  26. Three of my cousins created spawn in a van (back in the late 70s). I got a call from cousin last night which caused me to rethink your van issue. Oh yea, and don’t call it a mini van – – call it your love machine, or just the van, or some other clever name. You could invite us to name it.

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  27. Congrats!! You are officially undesireable to women everywhere…even in the snuggie.

    Catherinette Singleton’s last blog post..Can You Guess What We Were Talking About

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  28. So what’s it like to be the male version of a soccer mom?

    What do they call those anyway? Hockey Dad?

    Just think.. Aladdin, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella, Little Mermaid…..

    And they can even put it on REPEAT!

    Jormengund’s last blog post..Comments, queries, and posers..

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  29. You have giant balls of granite, my friend. Your van accelerates better, handles better, is safer, more reliable, holds its value, and doesn’t run off of minced polar bears like its SUV competitors.

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  30. Bee, That may be funny and all, but it’s still hurtful.

    Chris, It’s not necessarily your destiny. Just don’t have 3. Or, don’t be like my neighbors who bought one after 1, which is ridiculous.

    FreeMan, *wiping tears away* I’m still burly! Really!

    AvatGardner, You just described my Dad’s blue van. He had it in the late ’70’s.

    Catherinette, Bullshit.

    Jormengund, They call me “Jormengund killer,” actually.

    JimBob, I’m glad someone as well-versed on my balls’ texture as you chimed in on this issue. Thanks!

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  31. We had mini-vans for about seven years. They are the perfect haulin’ vehicle. You can haul kids, haul furniture, haul building supplies, even haul ass. Some of them have kick-ass engines. Enjoy.

    yellojkt’s last blog post..No Duh News

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  32. so, um, what is your dad’s name? where was he living in the “late 70s”? I was of an age in those days, perhaps I, you know, could have met him?

    Gee, I hope I didn’t cross a line there!!

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  33. Yellojkt, Cool. I reckon I’ll enjoy hauling some ass, at least.

    Avatgardener, His name is Richard, and he was in Dover, DE and then Germantown, TN in those days. That van kicked ass.

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  34. All this and a fucking “Snuggie” too?

    I knew…I JUST KNEW when I blew through GA a few weeks ago I should have picked you up. We could have cut a swath through the southern states beating up hippies, killings fifths, spitting, farting and generally acting manly.

    I fear for you.

    Punk Rock Dad’s last blog post..The Trunk….OR…..Sleepless, Hungover, and Slightly Depressed.

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