okay, not all helmets are worn exclusively by pussyboys


Okay, remember that time I wrote about my disdain for parents who strap a chunk of plastic to their kids’ heads in the hopes that what little goodness is sloshing about between their ears will actually morph into something that gets them somewhere?  Like graduate school?  Or space?  Or some organizational boardroom worthy of a government bailout?

Yeah.  Well, Pretty Bride called me today from Owen’s pediatrician’s office.

Me: Hello?

PB: On my way out of the doctor’s office…

Me: You’re on the phone while driving your new minivan? Are you using a handsfree device? If I have to–

PB: The doctor is threating to put your son in a helmet.

Me: NOOOOOO! Can’t he just tell us Owen’s got autism or will one day pluralize nouns with an apostrophe?

PB: He says the boy favors one side when he lies down and that, consequently, he’s developing a flat skull on one side.

Me: Like Frankenstein? What’s wrong with that? We won’t have to spend shit at Halloween!

PB: Muskrat! Do you really want your son to be “the flat faced kid” at school?

Me: No. It’s just…my blogging friends will make fun of me. They’ll ask me how crow tastes. You should’ve seen the awfulness they spewed at me after admitting to buying the minivan.

PB: The doc gave us one more chance to get him to strengthen the other side of his neck muscles, lie on his other side, and avoid the Stormtrooper treatment.

Me: Whatever we gotta do, we’re doing it. He ain’t wearing no damned helmet all the time like the pussyboy neighbor’s kid.

PB: You were ridiculed a lot as a kid, weren’t you.

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  1. We’re not going to make you fun for this…for other stuff, yes, but not for this.

    As The Wife says, “There’s a difference between a helmet that a kid needs and the psycho parents that put their kids in a helmet so they won’t get hurt, which is asinine.” Actually, I think her first comment said something about “precious little wub-wubs,” but she paraphrased this second time around. 🙂

    Unfinished Rambler’s last blog post..Exhale

  2. fun of you, I mean for this, now you can make me of fun 😉

  3. Okay, I hope your son turns out okay but damn that was hilarious!

    Bee’s last blog post.."Bizarre/Weird WTF-was-I-thinking? Picture day"

  4. awww, take care of that doll-baby, what ever it takes, no bed head! Remember, you can put stickers all over that helmet. He’ll be the kewlist infant on the block.

  5. Bwah-ha-ha!
    (I’m not in any way making fun of your son, but I’m sure as heck making fun of you!)

    Theresa B’s last blog post..Holy Cow

  6. avatgardener

    concerned caregiver consumes crow. caves. cuddles????

  7. I vote he gets the stormtrooper helmet.

    But then again, maybe that’s just me.

    SciFi Dad’s last blog post..Safe or Happy?

  8. Forgive me if I’m cynical, but I wonder if the helmet makers have been distributing pens in the doctors’ offices again.

    It seems the need for braces is rampant for 7-year olds, the need to have wisdom teeth pulled necessary for 17-year olds, and everyone over the age of 27 has a mouth guard or sleep apnea machine. What’s the hell is up?

    prefers her fantasy life’s last blog post..Just What The Doctor Ordered–A Bit of Celebrity Stalking

  9. Aw! Who would laugh at a flat-headed kid? Besides other kids?

    Hey, I never wore a helmet, and I turned out fine, if a bit blockheaded.

    Awfully cute kid.

    JD at I Do Things’s last blog post..I Enjoy Exotic Caribbean Cuisine so you don’t have to

  10. heh heh… storm trooper baby..

    two words – sleep positioner

    you’re welcome.

    ChurchPunkMom’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday

  11. Nothing wrong with being a Stormtrooper like the pussyboy neighbor’s kid.

    If he gets the helmet, I suggest throwing some lightning rods on that mofo. Up his cred a little at least.

    Miss’s last blog post..More Than This

  12. Yeah. Crow sucks.

    But if you think about it, you only need a few more to have a nursery rhyme song about you..

    Something about Four and Twenty blackbirds??

    Helmets aren’t all _that_ bad.. I mean, they make for great conversation starters when you’ve got guests over..

    Oh, and the laughter? That’s a GOOD thing.. I mean, this _is_ a humor blog, correct? So shouldn’t laughter mean you’re doing your job?

    ‘Nuff said.

    Jormengund’s last blog post..Yes, I’m pathetic!

  13. Put Roller Derby ( stickers on his helmet. Instant cool.

  14. If you could get an actual stormtrooper helmet, that would save face. It’s not half as bad as the minivan thing…

    Jim’s last blog post..I Never Knew…

  15. Flames on the helmut will bring the boy instant caché with all the other flat-headed kids on the block. Why would you deny him this unique opportunity to impress the other kids and ensure a future without “flounder”-type jokes?

    amysprite’s last blog post..Totally Awkward Tuesday: Teen Addition

  16. VivaH'vegas

    yeah, can’t think of anything witty or clever. that picture makes my ovaries go into overdrive, though. thanks. really. we need one more living thing in this house.

    good luck with the baby neck face yoga.

  17. In light of the bad news you’ve recently had (mini-van, helmet), I thought you’d like this video. In fact, I thought of you while watching it.

    raven-smiles’s last blog post..My Love Letter

  18. UnfinishedRambler, Does not compute. You drink too much before commenting sometimes, don’t you?

    Bee, I’m sure he’ll be fine. But not with a helmet.

    Harlin, Even a playboy bunny sticker would not make a permanent helmet cool.

    TheresaB, That’s what I’m afraid of.

    AvatGardener, Not sure about the caving part. We’ll see.

    SciFiDad, I was going to say that’s just you, but others appear to agree with you!

    PrefersFantasy, Don’t forget Ritalin! All boys need it!

    JD, You turned out fine? What does “fine” mean again?

    ChurchPunkMom, Hey! Some actually valuable advice! We’re probably going to get one this weekend. For now, we’re rolling a blanket under his left side, so he’s propped on his side a bit like a jacked-up car.

    Miss, If there’s anything this cracker boy of mine needs around the ATL, it’s more cred. He’s lacking right now.

    Jormengund, I can think of a better conversation starter I’d like to hear in my house: “So, what are you going to do with the $12million you have after taxes?”

    Countessa, Roller derby? Isn’t that a chick sport?

    Jim, I’m thinking you’re repressing your desire for a minivan. It’s okay to admit it.

    AmySprite, Other flat-headed kids? Where do you think we live? Transylvania?

    VivaH’vegas, Y’all do need more babies! Three is not enough.

    Raven-Smiles, That’s a great video! Thanks for sharing and for thinking about me and my Snuggie.

  19. That’s some fine fuckin’ karma right there.

    I wouldn’t wear a bike helmet all the time I was in Oxford. Half an hour, twice a day, through heavy traffic. I got knocked off my bike at least three times. Still wouldn’t wear a helmet. I think you grew up with similar friends as I did. If you wore a helmet you would get hurt worse by other kids kicking your ass than you would crashing your bike.

    I have to wear one now because the Australian stormtroopers will give you a damn $200 ticket if you don’t. Fascists.

    A Free Man’s last blog post..But it’s a dry heat…

  20. “That’s some fine fuckin’ karma right there.” THAT’s awesome.

    Be careful with those autism threats – it’s heartbreaking. Your boy’s adorable. Stormtrooper helmets are very popular these days, although actually, you should tell PB the “in” thing is CLONEtrooper helmets. Ask my boy Duke what the difference is. He feels it’s important. Oh, and he has a touch of autism. He’s good though. So are we. 😉

    You guys are cute.

    Chris’s last blog post..Conversations with Mamaw

  21. Put the kid in a helmet and then get him some leg braces to wear so no one notices the helmet.

    Jen’s last blog post..Red Flags

  22. FreeMan, LOL. Yes. Good karma indeed. I deserve it.

    Chris, I’m sure Duke is awesome and can readily school us on helmet differences.

    Jen, Like Forrest? That’s a great idea! Maybe he’ll play ball for the Tide, too.

  23. Shut it, Muskrodent. Roller Derby Girls are *hawt*. 🙂

  24. Chicks dig guys with flat heads!

    That’s what my momma always told me, anyway. 🙁

    Super Mega Dad’s last blog post..Ready, Set, Go!

  25. one thought- maybe get a new pediatrician? I mean, unless he is a hemophiliac a helmet seems a little overkill.

  26. That babe of yours will be fine. If he needs the helmet, suck it up and deal. Just decorate it with some badass art. 😉

    But Dude… A Mini van? Wasn’t there some sort of huge ass SUV you could have bought? My parents paid a lot of money for me to get an enviro minor with my degree and I am currently driving one of the biggest gas hogs on the market. But at least it isn’t a mini van. Beep beep.

    Brenda-SeriouslyMama’s last blog post..Disney On Ice tickets! It’s another giveaway!

  27. Get the kid a helmet if he needs it. It’s not like it’s going to muss up his hairdo or anything.

  28. holy crap i had to scroll just for a half an hour to leave a comment…now i forgot what i was gonna say.

    Siren’s last blog post..Yesterday Sucked!

  29. SuperMegaDad, Your name intimidates me, so I won’t argue with your Mamma’s advice.

    Gin, Maybe, but we sorta like the guy. I’m sure he’s just practicing defensive medicine to avoid a malpractice suit.

    Brenda, Don’t be raggin’ the van. I may have to get medieval on your buttocks.

    Jessica, You have no idea how many hours we spend on his hair. No idea.

    Siren, You picked the wrong day to start sniffing glue.

  30. can’t you make a badass helmet?

    Unfortunate Names’s last blog post..Because Meth Leaves An Aftertaste

  31. You’ve officially won me over for life with the “pluralizing nouns with an apostrophe” thing.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Tossin’ around the ol’ groundhogskin

  32. You are my husband’s new hero. He just may end up reading blogs now because of you. I’m with LiteralDan. You fucking rock, man.

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