A short time ago, I volunteered to allow the foul, but frequently brilliant, Avitable to interview me. Here are the results:
1. Please explain the rule against perpetuities using sexual terminology.
First of all, the RAP is, arguably, the most difficult concept one must grasp to pass the Multistate Bar Exam. The California Supreme Court even excused an attorney’s improper application of the RAP when drafting a will. That being said, I can easily explain it in sexual terms as follows: if your will, trust, or estate has any semblance of complication to it at all, hire a good attorney to prepare it, lest you get sodomized by the probate court, raped by estate taxes, and bitch slapped by your heirs. Should you ignore said admonition, make damned sure your interest doesn’t vest, if at all, any later than 21 years (or the amount of time since anyone saw Avitable’s naughty bits) after unprotected intercourse or botched contraception taking place at the time of the interest’s creation.
2. Can you defend NASCAR as something more than people driving really fast in a circle?
Of course I can. What is NASCAR? It’s a warm Sunday afternoon with 200,000 friends. It’s a soft-sided cooler full of domestic beer cans and ice, just within the size restrictions allowing its placement under your seat. It’s the ferocious roar of forty muffler-free engines. It’s the the smell of evaporated fuel and burned rubber. It’s raw speed: 200mph, a few feet from where you’re standing. It’s an infield full of free mammograms, moonshine, and marijuana. It’s recycled school buses painted black with a #3 on their sides, haloed with “Rest in Peace, Dale.” It’s rubbin’ and bumpin’ and shovin’. It’s an inability to understand the winner during the post-race interview if you’re not from West Virginia. It’s having an attorney, an entrepreneur, a pilot, a welder, and a carpenter finding common ground for three hours. It’s calling your best friend from college during the initial lap, holding up your cellphone towards the pacing cars, and screaming, “Too bad you were a pussy this year and didn’t make it to ‘dega!”
3. As you know, all lawyers are assholes and litigators are the worst offenders. Shouldn’t we just dispense with the legal system as it is?
And do what? Trust people to tell the truth? Trust people to only request insurance monies when they’ve actually had a disaster destroy their homes or been fired improperly or injured themselves at work or used a mass-produced product with injuring defects? It wouldn’t work. Most people will tell whatever story will get them the money they covet; perjury and its resultant contempt doesn’t deter any more. Everyone wants something for nothing and will lie to get it. Having an advocate for both sides who’s supposed to be bound by rules of ethics and evidence is the best way to get at the truth. Is it perfect? Of course not.
That being said, I wish we could have professional juries who aren’t swayed by emotions or racial preferences. There’d be public outcry about the need for a jury “of your peers,” but that’s not what the Sixth Amendment guarantees.
Incidentally, I revel in being called an asshole by opposing counsel. It’s happened a few times this year–once last week. I didn’t respond; I just hung up.
4. Power suit, power bar, or Power Girl?
As much as I’d like to choose the last one, I had to look her up to find out who she was, so, no fair picking her. I gotta say power suit. Even though it’s meant repeated questions about my sexual preference, I love wearing a quality suit. My charcoal Boss suit with crimson Golden Fleece tie is undefeated in court.
5. Do you think this is an STD or did I just get friction burn on my dick?
For all your faults, I know you love your wife, so I’m going to go with friction. Since she practices law, I’m sure you there’s a good bit of alone time for poor Avitable. Here’s a novel idea: lube?
Vote for Avitable and other humorous bloggers can be found at this list of funny blogs!
Want to be part of it? Follow these instructions:
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
Your so witty, i enjoyed your interview.
Siren’s last blog post..One Tequila…Two Tequila…
Your RAP explanation was pure gold!
Avitable’s last blog post..My interview with Caylee Anthony
Sweet fancy moses, you turned down Power Girl? Hey, you’re not a commie, are you?
Rickey Henderson’s last blog post..Rickey’s Monday Kickoff
That’s legal terminology I can understand. Why can’t you lawyer types talk like that regularly?
I know I might regret this, but interview me, Mr. Gigolo. 🙂 I hope I’m still smiling later.
unfinishedrambler’s last blog post..Meandering Monday #10: My Blog is 0% Badass!
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so many law questions, my brain hurt. Hope your next interviewer is dumb and asks you dumb questions that I can understand, like what’s your favourite colour.
SSG’s last blog post..Childhood Christmas #1
Wait… you’re a LAWYER?!? This changes everything.
SciFi Dad’s last blog post..Suck
lol.. I might have to agree with SSG.. maybe if I wasn’t sick, and could think straight.. no. my brain is still too possessed by preschool shows and nursing bra choices.. and I may or may not have a touch of placenta brain leftover from my last pregnancy.. duh…
But at least I’m not as slow as SciFiDad.. dude.. slow. lol
Great interview. 😉
ChurchPunkMom’s last blog post..The Boy Scout (Part 7)
Okay, I’ll bite. “Interview Me”.
WeaselMomma’s last blog post..Speechless
Everything about NASCAR sounds great except the domestic beer. Don’t you, like, have to drink about 30 of those to make it worth your while?
prefers her fantasy life’s last blog post..Why Are You Discriminating Against Me?
Avitable, That was the hardest question I’ve ever been asked by a blogger.
Rickey, I might be. Once I googled her and saw who she was, I wanted to pick her, but I figured that was cheating.
Unfinished, Deal. It may be post-Christmas, but I’ll send you some questions.
SSG, I have little doubt that the next interviewer will be dumb.
SciFiDad, Meaning…you love me even more?
ChurchPunkMom, I think Sci-Fi is a new reader or else chose to see what he wanted to see. I’m glad he’s not a pilot.
WeaselMomma, Gladly…it may be a week or two, though.
PrefersFantasy, That’s why they come in 30-packs!
Thanks for the legal advice on wills! While I have no intention to ever attend a NASCAR race, I believe I would enjoy one with you and avitable as company…
Here under Danny’s orders to spread the love, (but not STD’s, I second the lube suggestion)
ashley’s last blog post..Can I get an Ew! Or an Awww…
do you dare…interview your long time nemeziz? Ze Figurehead!?
The Figurehead’s last blog post..Money made from sellin’ a hog
Nice one. Particularly questions of sexuality surrounding fashion choices. Combined with your tales of bathroom trolls, it’s all starting to come together for me.
A Free Man’s last blog post..Sharks and vampires and sixes, oh my
There’s no way I could answer the power question. Powerbars are gross, that power chick is, well, a chick, and power suits are out of the question. Unless my super stee-Z Oakley one piece ski suit counts.
I’m scared, but I’ll bite. Toss some questions my way.
Swedish Skier’s last blog post..Friday Quotes!
Ashley, Thanks for the love from Dad Gone Mad!
F’head, That would be fun. And dangerous. We’ll see….
FreeMan, How, exactly, is it “coming together”? I don’t think I want to know.
SwedishSkier, Cool beans! Hope to toss this weekend.
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