at the austrian urinal

During the summer of 2000, I took an international arbitration course in Linz, Austria.  As I’ve revealed before, I can have an occasional problem with stage fright at the pisser, though it tends to be less of an issue when I’m around strangers and am drinking, so one would think the affliction would go into remission while in a foreign country, right?   

One evening after dinner and a beer or two, I walked into the restroom and up to the urinal to begin eliminating some toxins.  I glanced to my left, and an old man–a local–was at the urinal, also doing what he was supposed to be doing at the urinal, but he was not looking down to monitor his progress:  he was monitoring mine instead. 

I felt my face become flush.  I slowly looked over at him.  He just smiled and continued staring at my johnson.  I finished and cleared my throat a little.  He looked up at my face and saw my discomfort. 

Then he opened his mouth, smiled, and, in a think German accent, uttered two words:

“No stress.”

 No stress?  Are you fucking kidding me, you wrinkled old Nazi pervert? 

Not knowing what to say or do at this point, I sprinted out, sans handwashing, and told everyone at my table what had just happened, so that they could:

1) laugh at me for a solid 5 minutes without ceasing and
2) use “No stress” as a battle cry, greeting, or conversation lull-filler for the remainder of our course there.

From that evening on, as long as I was in Austria, I peed in a stall.  With the door shut.  And locked.

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  1. No, you misunderstood. He was saying “Neau Schnause” which means “Nice Cock” in Austrian.

    Avitable’s last blog post..SNL is still funny

  2. lol… ‘no stress’..

    i am quite positive that i will never encounter the problem of having to pee in front of an elderly Austrian man.. but thank you for sharing your experience. 😉

    ChurchPunkMom’s last blog post..The Boy Scout (Part 7)

  3. Dude, have you been to see a urologist? I mean, really.

    Actually, I don’t think I could…uh…perform under that kind of pressure either.

    unfinishedrambler’s last blog post..Superfluous Surfing Saturday #4: Wastin’ time

  4. Muskrat’s non-peeing weenie – film at 11.

  5. avatgardener

    prattling prosecutor proffers plethora/pathetic pee parables. please pause. perhaps post poetry or porn or pictures of petunias.

  6. Avitable, I’m tickled pink. And, suddenly, more appreciative of this moment.

    ChurchPunkMom, As soon as you say “never,” you open yourself up to experience this.

    UnfinishedRam, I don’t need a doctor; the perverted Nazi does.

    Countessa, Eat a weenie.

    AvatGardner, I think this will be the last pee parable.

  7. Aged accented Austrian arouses angst after articulating aphorism.

    Doug at Taunt Vortex’s last blog post..Childhood Misconceptions (NSFW)

  8. I too suffer pee-shyness terribly. Even God can’t help me if I am in an ancient location with one of those trough urinals.

    Uninal use seems to be a hot topic of late amonst bloggers. Is there an epidemic sweeping the nation? Are we all afraid Larry Craig or a pedophile priest has walked in?

    Anyway – the old guy had no stress from being caught watching I guess.

  9. shudder.

    SciFi Dad’s last blog post..Probed By Avitable

  10. Doug, Well done! You’re like AvatGardener but with man parts.

    David, I didn’t know of others’ writing of this. Please share!

    SciFiDad, Me too.

  11. I think that you should do a whole series of posts on pissing, or failing to do so, around the world. Maybe a review of men’s rooms by country? Top Ten stall trolls? (Number 1: Larry Craig). There’s a wealth of material in the pisser.

    A Free Man’s last blog post..Florida-style politics

  12. carol aka lurker

    Okay, I read 12 pages of your blog and still don’t entirely get what category I should place you in, but it was entertaining all the way through! There seems to be a theme of toddler going potty not on the toilet … ironically.

  13. ok, clarification… no stress or nice cock? And yeah, I think those mens urinals where all the piss goes down together is kinda random… who wants to see their piss mixing with someone elses?
    Though having a cock to piss from must be handy on long car journeys. But you gotta hold the thing you piss from. That must be weird. And doesn’t it get in the way when you run? All these interesting thoughts on penises and more, tune in next time…. crap.

    SSG’s last blog post..Music (A guest post from MrC)

  14. avatgardener

    Carol (aka lurker)
    Our Muskrat is many things, mostly funny. He writes of what he knows: lawyering, 80s rock, guy things, his adorable kids (that will change as they get older), stuff going on around his little sphere of the world, guy stuff, his times in the Guard, lost loves, and the ways of the guy. We adore him, the furry little rodent that he is. Like the animals in Narnia, at first we were frightened that he could “talk” but now we rely on him to amuse us daily.
    His family checks in and comments, probably to keep from being fodder for stories. And like most men, he married above his station in life – – his wife should be an applicant for sainthood.

    Sorry, Mr. Rat, I felt obligated to catch her up. I hope I didn’t miss anything in my into of you to her. IT is time I came out of my shell and interacted with others who post here, if you allow it. If you don’t I am ok with that – – do let me know.

    carol, I hope you will come back and post with us often.
    (I don’t always use alliteration, just at the first comment)

  15. My freshman dorm-mate could only pee with the door closed, and all sources of water turned on full blast.

    I bought a water pik just to make his life more difficult. Here’s to a more controlled bladder.

    Matt’s last blog post..Yahoo Fantasy Sports

  16. I can pee in public, no problem. Then again, chicks get doors (almost always) and don’t have to whip out our junk in front of strangers (unless we want to). That said, I am terribly afraid of the “farting whilst peeing” or the “pooping in public”.

    Cat’s last blog post..Thankfully, The Turds Stayed Put

  17. You should have demanded payment for services rendered. “No stress if you got the euros bitch!”

  18. I honestly don’t get how you guys do it. All those rules and having people staring at your private parts and not using toilet paper afterwards, etc. Strike the last one, I’ll take it back.

    Wynn’s last blog post..Howsameyomoma

  19. carol aka lurker

    Avatgardener–thanks! I followed his comment from a parenting blog, so I was quite befuddled when I got family + lawyering + Guard + these “confessionals.” He is quite an…erhm…interesting rodent.

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