the third friday confessional: arousing santa and oral shoplifting

Holy shit cow!  There’s a line of hot female bloggers outside my confession booth this week!  Hmm, I’ll let this young lass in the elf costume come in first.

FM:  Hello, Miss…

Siren: I have a confession…*

FM:  Go ahead, girl, go ahead.

Siren:  There is this good looking Santa at the mall, so I had to go sit on his lap (I may have wiggled around a bit), and when I whispered what I wanted for Christmas, his cheeks were definitely more rosy.*

FM:  Can you elaborate a bit on “definitely more rosy”?

Siren:  Without a doubt, he was pleased.

FM:  Did you feel like his love lifted you up, where you belong?

Siren:  Something lifted me up, but I didn’t feel like I belonged there at all.

FM:  Ho, Ho, Ho!

Siren:  Excuse me?  Are you…implying anything?

FM:  Just that I’m excited about Christmas.  You’re in Michigan, right?  I think you need to go up to Detroit, find the mall where all the patrons’ car windows are made of plastic wrap and duct tape, and sit on that Santa’s lap as your pittance.

Siren:  But, those Santas all smell like Mad Dog!

FM:  Uh huh.  Now get outta here before I bring Bee back to force you to change teams!


FM:  Next?  Yes, you with the spiked green hair and rosary beads.

ChurchPunkMom:  When I was in jr high, I did quite a bit of shop lifting.. I usually stole very small items and hid them in my mouth rather than my pockets.*

FM:  Define “quite a bit.”

CPM:  Like, daily.  And twice on Sunday.

FM:  Moses’ beard!  Why your mouth?

CPM:  Because it’s always been bigger than my pockets?

FM:  Burning bushes!

CPM:  Yeah, like hundreds of dollars in little green Army men, Fruit Stripe gum, pet rocks, eponymous key chains, and bottles of cough syrup.

FM:  Gideon’s trumpet!

CPM:  What do I do?

FM:  Here, put this in your mouth and hold it there.


FM:  What?  No, ye of much mental perversion.  Inside this ziplock bag is an ant-covered Twinkie.  Eat it.  That’ll learn you.

CPM:  That’ll hurt!

FM:  So did your stealing from mom-and-pop proprietors with razor-thin profit margins.  Eat your twinkie and get out!

CPM:  Did I just spot “The Wealth of Nations” protruding from your robe?


*Sentences actually provided by the confessors.  The rest is Father Muskrat poetic license.  If you’d like to participate in next Friday’s confessional, please email me with your transgression(s) at muskratblog[at]

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  1. ants taste much better covered in chocolate. 😉

    ChurchPunkMom’s last blog post..The Boy Scout (Part 7)

  2. You are a cruel confessor. I’m glad I don’t have you for a priest in my parish. You’d probably bring out the rack.

    unfinishedrambler’s last blog post..Wordless WTF Wednesday #8: My Little Pony Felicity

  3. I’m afraid to confess. God knows what kind of “poetic license” the litigious rodent will use on my confession.

  4. *shivers at the thought of Mad Dog 20/20*
    FM, i really wanted to make penance and be rid of my sin but i got lost on the way to Detroit.

    Siren’s last blog post..Secret Santa Can Suck it! for Dani

  5. avatgardener

    Confused confessor considers cute Christmas cozy-er. Contrite? Could be.

    Perverted pretend padre punishes pilferer (with) puffy pastry. Pardoned.

    readers rally.

  6. this is fucking CLASSIC

    SSG’s last blog post..Music (A guest post from MrC)

  7. Oh man, funny stuff. Reminds me of when I saw black santa at my ghetto mall in Brooklyn. He was all soused and frisky.

    I still have to get on that meme, or whatever it’s called. while I do have some personal stories I could draw on, the far more interesting ones are from some of my idiot college friends. I’ll try picking 1, or 2 that aren’t too x-rated.

    acorn king’s last blog post..Craigslist Follow-Up

  8. Ooooh. I wanna sit on ghetto black santa’s lap.
    Um, that might be a confessional in and of itself.

    swedishskier’s last blog post..Friday Quotes!

  9. It’s getting hawt in ‘herr

    Very funny Father Muskrat!

    Bee’s last blog post..

  10. Okay, there were supposed to be those notes thingies that indicate I was singing a song.

  11. ChurchPunkMom, That’s precisely why I gave them to you, still alive and stinging, on a Twinkie instead.

    Unfinished, Only the one who delivers the pain can take it away. I figure the more given, the more taken.

    Countessa, Be daring, and give it a try. The first cut is the deepest. Then, it’s just a little sting.

    Siren, Mad Dog is good for you. So is Detroit. Time to get back on that horse of yours and ride.

    AvatG, Perverted? Pretend? I’m hurt.

    SSG, Is that better than being ESPN classic?

    AcornKing, Glad you enjoyed. I’ll have to read of your adventure now.

    SwedishSkier, That could be a confession, but you gotta go through with it first!

    Bee, No points off for messing up the “notes thingies.”

  12. You aint even right…..and that is why I keep coming back.

    Punk Rock Dad’s last blog post..Here She Is Folks….Quasi-Yuppie Wife

  13. What happened to save a horse… ride a cowboy?

    Siren’s last blog post..It’s Folded I Swear!

  14. I just shattered my otherwise quiet work environment with multiple outbursts of laughter. Got some pretty strange looks, about which I couldn’t give less of a shit. Priceless.

  15. Pingback: friday confessional for january 16 | Father Muskrat

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