Law

at the urinal, circa 2001

I’m approaching the urinal in the deserted restroom when Doug, the litigation associate from the 45th floor, enters.  Crap.  I’m the new law clerk, and everyone with the coveted “, Esq.” behind his name intimidates me.  Doug walks up to the urinal beside me.

I unzip.  I exhale slowly.  I wait.

Nothing.

I close my eyes.  And wait some more.

One Mississippi.
Two Mississippi.
Three Mississippi.

Niagara Falls.  Maid of the Mist.  Rushing, flowing, thick waves of falling water.

Four Mississippi.
Five Mississippi.
Six Mississippi.

Doug appears to be in the same place.  Even worse.

I grunt.  Back to Niagara Falls.  Splashing, roaring, pouring.  Pouring over the horseshoe bend as the mist spits droplets onto my glasses.

Still nothing.

Doug:  “It’s funny sometimes what the mind can do to the body.”
Me:  “Uh huh.  Yeah.”

I sprint out of the restroom, into the hallway, through the stairwell door, up a flight of stairs, and into an empty restroom far, far away from Doug and his nefarious mind tricks.  I am a man again.

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17 Comments

  1. I don’t get it.

    Literally. I could pee anywhere…in front of my mother-in-law, a hungry bear or my dog.

    No such thing as a bashful bladder with me.

    Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..The Journey…Part Three

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  2. i do get it… but you don’t want to here my story.. 😉

    ChurchPunkMom’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday

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  3. lol… i meant ‘hear’ of course..

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  4. /comfort

    i am glad us girls have walls in our bathroom, wonder if we would have the same issue if we had to pee on display. females can be so catty and competive so it is possible… i guess

    Siren’s last blog post..Secret Santa Can Suck it! for Dani

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  5. could you no go in the cubicle and pretend you’re releasing your bowels too?

    SSG’s last blog post..Wednesday Wallpaper

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  6. pretend prosecutor pauses to p – – pauses to – – pauses – – panics!!! prefers private pee privy.

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  7. I was a drug and alcohol counselor on my first ship. The XO suggested that every time anyone on the ship had to pee in the bottle, I should also – – too keep his program legal and above board. It got so that after a while I COULDN”T go unless someone was watching me!!
    sadly.

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  8. Yikes. No fun. I realize this is a guy-thing and I’m a gal, but maybe like Siren says, things would be different if we were squatting visibly and within inches of our nemesis, mother-in-law, boss, etc… We have a little privacy, but you guys get to break a piece off of that cool, giant, breath mint after you wash your hands in the flushy thing. So convenient!

    CSquaredplus3’s last blog post..My brother, my friend.

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  9. I never understood why guys run into this problem. I have the bladder the size of a pea and could probably pee anywhere, on command. I realize this could make me an internet-porn-fetish sensation, but in the real world, it’s a problem. I once made my friends pull over and I peed in the parking lot of New Jersey National Gas Company because I was drunk and knew I wouldn’t make it home. I’m jealous of your non-peeing abilities.

    Sherri’s last blog post..There’s People Looking Back At Me.

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  10. Our best local gay/lesbian club used to have a military-style latrine thing – 3 toilets in a row with no partitions and one outside door with no lock. My girlfriend at the time would rather wet her pants than use that bathroom while I not only could go but carry on conversations with the drunk gay guys. Sack up, Muskrat. 🙂

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  11. Been there sooo many times. Nothing more uncomfortable than urinal banter.

    A Free Man’s last blog post..A Free Man’s Top 10 of 2008: No. 8 – Sun Kil Moon – “April”

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  12. I never pee in public. I have a cast iron bladder.

    SciFi Dad’s last blog post..The One That Got Away: Epilogue

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  13. RedneckMommy, I don’t think that’s anything to be proud of. What else you got?

    ChurchPunk, Um, of course I want to hear your story!

    Siren, At first, I thought your comment said something about “females can be scatty,” but then I realized that wasn’t the case. Too bad.

    SSG, I could’ve, and I do sometimes, but not when I’m already there and someone else walks up. Too obvious.

    AvatG, LOL at the first comment. Re: the second one, that just ain’t right.

    Csquared+3, Just how many mens rooms have you been in?

    Sherri, I appreciate that. You’re my favorite comment today. I’m blushing at your admiration, however misplaced.

    Countessa, Do you have any idea how painful it would be for me to “sack up”? Didn’t think so. No, I will not do that.

    FreeMan, Glad someone identifies.

    SciFiDad, You’ve obviously mastered “camel mode.” I strive for it at NASCAR and college football games.

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  14. I’m going to have to post a urinal post now, for some reason I have a couple urinal stories. Wait, that didn’t sound good. Nevermind.

    By the way, new blog looks great, remember when it sucked before? Much better now, man it was bad before.

    acorn king’s last blog post..Craigslist Follow-Up

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  15. I usually have the opposite problem. I end up going and going forever. Other people are coming in, using the bathroom, washing their hands, and leaving. I’m still standing there embarrassed and wondering when I could have ever drank that much liquid.

    ManInTheMoon’s last blog post..Because I Read About It Somewhere

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  16. Pingback: Father Muskrat » at the austrian urinal

  17. i was in 8 years old and in the th grade. it was a really hot day so i had alot to drinkand then i was in the middle of a test when i had the urge 2 piss
    i ask the teacher if i could quickly go to the toilet and she said after the test
    so i quickly finished my test and then asked if i could go
    she said yes and i quickly ran out and down the hall when the princiable stoped me asked y i wasnt in class i told him i had 2 pee real bad and he told me 2 walk (f him) so i started walking down the hall it was another 60 metres to the toilet so i power walked and just my luck one of the urinals were out of order and the other had some 7th grader using it
    i was like kmon and asked him 2 hurry cos it was running down my leg
    he told me 2 piss out the window i wasnt very high at the time and i was willing 2 piss all over the floor
    so i unziped my fly and was trying 2 hold it back while i pulled my dick out
    when i saw a sink, a sink is basically the same as a urinal if u think about it so i walked over and pissed in the sink… and had never felt more relifed. =o

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