I just realized that I’ve been walking around my office all day with brownie crumbs stuck to my ass. No wonder there’s been snickering. Pretty Bride included a brownie with the lunch she packed me, and apparently I let some crumbs fall into my chair while eating it at my desk. Then I shifted in my seat and ground brownies into khaki. Thus, I’ve been looking like those polar bears on nature shows with shit stains on their white hindquarters.
While this is somewhat embarrassing, the worst wardrobe malfunction I’ve ever had came last year at trial. Before trying a case, I always have to run to the restroom. I did the same before wrestling matches in highschool. We called it “taking a nervous pee.” In any event, I realized after I’d tried the case–in front of a female judge–that I’d had my fly unzipped the whole time. It was a rather contentious case, which is why, I’m sure, the plaintiff’s attorney never told me about my zipper during the 2-3 conversations we had before beginning. That’s okay, though. I never told him how fat and sweaty he looked before we began, either.
Faux paus notwithstanding, however, I secured a defense verdict. So, I now try all cases with an undone zipper! If anyone (excluding judges) says anything about it, I just say, “That’s right bitches. And I’ll still win!”
To read about persons who poop themselves on purpose, check here.