Neighborhood

Q&A continued: my answers to the children’s questions

5th grade:
Why do we go to war?
Because God is angry at you.

What was the most interesting trial you’ve had?
Scopes Monkey.

Where did you sleep in Iraq?
With your girlfriend.

How long was the plane ride to Iraq?
Even without the aid of a deep-running jimmy, my butt went to sleep.

Can the planes land somewhere secret and covered up?
Sure, it’s called the Persian Gulf.

Do y’all go to counseling or something for when you shoot a bunch of people for a long time and then come back and think you’re wanting to beat your wife?
Yes: they join PETA.

4th grade:
If you use night vision glasses, isn’t everything green?
Just the food and your undershorts.

My brother got a video game where he wears a gas mask and dogs chase him for training–do you do that?
Your brother has a drug problem.

How long does it take to put on your uniform?
All but the pants takes a combined 30 seconds. Thanks to my ENORMOUS JOHNSON, the drawers take an extra 10 minutes.

Why did you drop a bomb on Japan?
Because I bought a BetaMax player.

Weren’t children killed when the bomb was dropped on Japan?
Only those who wet the bed or don’t believe in Santa Claus.

Have you been shot?
I was shot down when I tried to buy a non-alcoholic beer for a female Colonel.

Why would anyone want to be a lawyer?
Because I can’t sing or dance.

How come y’all object all the time?
Cause all the cool kids David E Kelley creates do it.

2nd grade:
If my momma doesn’t like a man and gets another man to hurt him, will my momma go to jail?
Your mamma abuses crack cocaine. She’s probably already in jail anyway.

Why do men get raped in jail?
They get tired of tossing their junk at Agent Starling.

Why did the President make a law that boys can’t hit girls?
So that you’ll shoot them instead.

Why do people go to jail?
Because they can’t sing or dance.

Why do people steal?
So the government won’t have a monopoly.

Can I go to jail for lying?
Yes, but you might go to jail for NOT lying, too.

If someone break into my house, do he go to jail?
Not in this neighborhood.

How can someone break into a house anyway?
-another kid: my daddy just climb up the side o’ the house.
Exactly.

How come you got 2 jobs?
–another kid: ‘Cause he like money.
True dat.

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5 Comments

  1. Love the kids tee-shirt. FYI, that’s the title of a Dead Kennedys song.

    [Reply]

  2. You owe me a keyboard and a shirt.

    [Reply]

  3. Pingback: a celebration of 2008–the year of the muskrat | Father Muskrat

  4. Pingback: does idealism die when it’s your kids? | Father Muskrat

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