a day at dad 2.013 and some somewhat related collateral damage

table

I packed a bag Wednesday night about midnight:  a light one.  Didn’t even have to do the zipper that expands its height like I do on normal weekend flights.  Had coffee with friends; dropped off shirts at the cleaners; did some work a few hours; met 3 colleagues at Panera Bread for lunch.  It was 12:30pm.  My flight was to take off at 1:40pm.  I looked down at my clean plate and empty cup.  Then at my watch.  Then at the 3 people who were eating with me.

Adam:  So, you going or not?  Shouldn’t you have left by now?
Me:  Getting to the airport more than 30 minutes before take off is not how I roll, Adam.

I rose to my feet.

Me:  Normally when I’m wrestling with a decision, I ask myself a question I heard in a church sermon a good 5+ years ago, and it goes like this:  ‘Given my past experiences and future objectives, what is the wise thing to do here?’  Right now, I know the wise choice is for me to stay here.  But you know what?  Sometimes, I gotta say ‘fuck it’ and do what’s going to be more fun.

And then I hit the 400 at 85 miles per hour.  I boarded with Zone 2 even though I’d been bumped to first class.  I had 3 Woodford Reserves on ice.

When I landed, I shared a Honda Pilot (compliments of the company’s sponsoring the summit) with a girl named Kelly from Atlanta whom I’d never met and 3 guys from New York.  One of the NY guys I recognized from Twitter.  The driver said, “Are you Mike?”  And I said, “To some people.”  And then the driver said, “I was told a guy from Atlanta with dark hair and glasses would be coming soon and that I should try to follow you out tonight!”  And all I could say was, “Then it must be so!”

Since my negligent, self-involved roommate forgot to tell the hotel I was coming, I couldn’t check in, so in lieu of same, I handed my bag to the desk clerk, found Kevin at the 3rd floor bar, and commenced reacquainting him (and me) with Mr Basil Hayden.  Jon, remembering our ill-fated meandering through the backwoods of central Texas last year, joined in and even covered the tab!  I met some folks I’d previously only known online and got to see other folks I hadn’t seen since August in NYC.

Some dudes cooked some stuff while Jim talked into a microphone, and then we got some food (which I needed after at least 8 glasses of bourbon) and headed to Spotlight Karaoke, which had originally been scheduled for Friday night, but my friend and kindred spirit in singing hits from the ’80s at blogging conferences, Amy, reserved it for Thursday to allow me to participate!  And it was awesome.  She’s posted a video compilation here.

me singing
My enthusiasm is too powerful for your shutter speed.

The next day, I heard friends like Kevin and Jon read posts from their blogs that I had read but enjoyed hearing aloud.  I missed some keynote speakers but heard they were good.  I sat in on a panel comprised of several friends, including Faiqa, Jason, Andy, and Lamar.  I didn’t think the topic they’d be covering would resonate with me, given that it had to do with cross cultures or something, but it’s the only panel I’ve seen at the 10 or so blogging conferences I’ve attended where every single participant, plus the moderator, were friends of mine.  And, Faiqa threatened me when I said I might sit in on a different one.

panel
                             Fuzzy is the new brown.

I enjoyed the panel, and one of the questions Faiqa asked has been in my head ever since.  It was this:
“What’s one component of your parenting that you think your children will continue with their children, and what’s one they won’t?”

The context was practices of parents of cultures who may not necessarily be American by birth (3 of the 4 participants’ families included at least one Asian), but I thought it an interesting point to ponder even for a multi-generational cracker like me.  Maybe I’ll include my response in a future post.

After a quick DadCentric interview for the DadLabs show, I heard another keynote group get introduced and bolted.  It was 4:15, and my flight was at 6pm (and it was Friday rush hour).  I woke up Andy as I threw my stuff into my bag and headed off.  I hardly slept that night when I got home.

At 0500, the alarm went off.  I went to drill to face whatever awaited.  I heard there was supposed to be a meeting at 1400 with the squadron commander, my senior NCO, and me.  I thought it was about a relatively minor (I thought) issue that came up during the month involving some expired medications in our medical kits, and that my missing one day of the 3-day drill weekend could come up, but given my changing the flight to be there 2 of 3 days instead of missing all 3, I didn’t think there would be any really negative consequences, right?

When I sat down at 1400 in the conference room, my Sergeant was asked to leave, and instead more officers were brought in, and flashbacks of my last such conversation returned.  Doors shut, and it began.  Exaggerated accusations about the medication.  A reference to my “blowing off” Friday’s training.  Then he asked if I’d found a new gaining unit, since after I was promoted to O-5 while in an O-4 slot, my understanding was that I had a year to find a new unit with an O-5 slot.  I replied that I hadn’t.  After all, I had til October, right?  And then the gut punch:

“Okay, then you’re going to out-process March drill and go into the IRR.  You had six months.  That ends next month.”

I was out.  For the first time since I was 18 years old–more than half my life–I will be a civilian in a few weeks.  No more prohibitions against extensive (i.e., more than a well-trimmed mustache) facial hair, long hair on my head, and narcotics.  No more giving up the first weekend of every month.  No more $1,000 a month salary and $200-for-the-entire-family health insurance.

But I held my tongue.  I didn’t argue (or, as he calls it, “banter”) about what was or wasn’t done correctly or about how hard (and expensive) it was to fly home Friday night instead of staying for the whole conference like I desperately wanted to do.  I didn’t pop off with my immediate thought of “Were you picked on a lot as a kid?  Is publicly putting others down how you salve such?”

Instead I said, “I apologize,” stood up, and walked out.  And for about seven hours, I was as depressed as I can ever recall being.  I came home to Heirloom Market BBQ and chocolate chip cookies in the oven, but they provided little improvement.

And then it hit me:  no matter what I did Friday or what had or hadn’t gone well or wrong with the drugs a few weeks ago, I could only stay in my Major slot as a Lieutenant Colonel for 6 months, and that 6 months would be over 1 April.  My commanding officer’s need to try and make it appear to 3 other officers and me that I’d been “kicked out” was only to try and make him feel better for some sick reason.  And suddenly, I felt sorry for the little bastard.  I looked at his LinkedIn profile and saw a picture of him standing in uniform in front of a giant American flag with a 9mm on a holster at his side, even though he’s a salesman in the civilian world.  Judging by this picture and his behavior, the bit of power he gets to exert for 2 days a month is all he has.

I’m proud of my >15 years of service and 3 deployments, but I don’t define myself by them.  I’ve created a thriving business by helping less educated and less fortunate people who would otherwise get bent over and screwed by insurance companies.  I fight for people who don’t know how to fight for themselves.  People who give me hugs and wipe away tears when we meet for the last time–usually because I’m handing them a check that represents months of confrontation.

I take an active role in the raising of my children.  I’m home for dinner almost every night; I bathe them and read to them while they climb all over me and other another before bed.  I’m the first person they see each morning and the last person they see each evening.

I write stories on this silly website.  I have genuine friendships with folks all over the world who enjoy the same activity.

I don’t need to put people down in order to feel good about myself.

Right before bed Saturday night, I texted my work wife, Chris.  The two of us will be heading to our 4th Mardi Gras / legal conference on Thursday.  It said this:

Appears I’m out of the military for a while.  If planning to get weed in NOLA, get extra this year!

Maybe this break in service for a few months is just what I need.

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34 Responses to “a day at dad 2.013 and some somewhat related collateral damage”

  1. Welcome to civilian life. Come on in; the water’s fine … and significantly less cluttered (per capita) with Napoleonic douche canoes.

    Thank you for your service … and thanks for reminding me of another reason I don’t miss the military.

    And I’m sorry I missed the fun in Houston!
    Daddy Scratches´s last blog post ..If you like this, you should probably put a ring on it … and then you should get your head checked by a mental-health professional.

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    muskrat Reply:

    I’m sorry you weren’t there, too !

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  2. Whit says:

    Holy Buddyballs! Man, I hope you’re doing okay and this works out the way you want, but more than anything I’m mad that you could have stayed the whole time in retrospect! I missed you.
    Whit´s last blog post ..Once They Sang Like Peacocks

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    muskrat Reply:

    Thanks…same here. That was actually my first thought (once I’d gotten over the initial shock). But on Sunday when I talked about it some with one of the other officers present (whom I like), he pointed out that a prospective new unit would look unfavorably at 6 unexcused absences (vs. just 2 — each day counts as two drill periods), so he thought it wise that I changed my ticket to fly back Friday night.

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  3. Beta Dad says:

    What Whit said! It’s gonna be weird when you turn into a hippie.

    Incidentally, even though that photo of the panel is so blurry you can’t tell who is who, you can tell which one is about to hurl from alcohol poisoning: the white dude.

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    muskrat Reply:

    It’s always the white dude.

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  4. Dave2 says:

    Everything happens for a reason. Even if you never know what that reason is.

    Onward.
    Dave2´s last blog post ..Bullet Sunday 315

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    muskrat Reply:

    Appreciated.

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  5. Jason says:

    You served with honor, dude. Now grow a beard and a mullet like me!

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    If only my practice were in Birmingham, AL instead of Atlanta…

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  6. Amy says:

    I’m with Whit, if you were going to get shit-canned anyway, I sure wish it had been for staying the whole weekend in Houston. That pole at Spotlight Karaoke would’ve never been the same…

    We can duet to Memories or something to commemorate this at some point, less sad, in the future. I’m sorry things worked out in a way you didn’t get to choose, but at least you went out having fun.

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    muskrat Reply:

    True, but (as said in response to Whit) it seems there was/is a benefit to coming on back Friday night, I guess. I would’ve dropped to the IRR no matter what I did, it seems, but I’d hate for a gaining unit with a slot to think I’m a slacker when/if it sees a recent year with a bunch of unexcused absences!

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  7. ohjennymae says:

    wowsers! i hope you get what you want and need out of civilian life. and if you’re ever in phoenix again i know a guy…
    ohjennymae´s last blog post ..dance rant

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    muskrat Reply:

    Now you’re talkin’!

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  8. Jason says:

    MUSKRAT!!!
    Thanks for sharing brother. I’ve never walked in your shoes, so can only say thanks for your service and stories. My last superior had a bee in his pretty little bonnet about me. No idea why. I’m glad to be rid of him, as things have been better since. I couldn’t have seen that coming.
    Have a great trip, and enjoy the vacation too (wink…).

    Later,

    Jason
    The Cheeky Daddy
    Jason´s last blog post ..Saturday Animation Project

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    muskrat Reply:

    Hey, I’m nothing if not confessional. Babble says so. Thanks for the well-wishes, and I hope you can come play next year!

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  9. Hey, hon. I’m really sorry about this. I wondered what had happened and now I know. Obviously, your CO has “Little Man Syndrome.” At the same time, I could see this outcome from a mile away. Your CO acted the same as my brother’s CO. My brother was a major, in the USAF, wasn’t planning to work towards LTC. He just wanted to fly. For a year, his CO was the biggest bastard, just making my brother’s life miserable. And then, it happened. My brother was pushed out, two months before his 15-year mark. It’s almost as if the military wants to avoid paying out a retirement at all costs and gives you the slightest bit of rope and if you even act like you’re going to hang yourself, you’re out. It’s frustrating as hell and I’m sorry you just went through it.

    Give me his address and I’ll roll his trees.
    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog post ..I’m Married To An Older Man

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    muskrat Reply:

    My dad used to talk about this syndrome when he was in the service. I assume you’re willing to travel to other states for said rolling venture? Good.

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  10. Adam G says:

    Wow…. That really sucks about getting out before you wanted to. At the same time, it all (somehow) works out for the best. Sorry you couldn’t spend more time with us (and hope you feel that the day was worth it!)

    Nice meeting you, and maybe next time we’ll spend more than a car ride hanging out!

    Rock on, Muskrat. Rock on.
    Adam G´s last blog post ..Dad 2.0– Great (er) Expectations… Fulfilled!

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    muskrat Reply:

    I agree…glad to share a Pilot with your ass.

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  11. Miss Britt says:

    Wait – so your promotion basically got you kicked out?? Like permanently – or just until you find a base that needs someone of that rank?

    The military is weird.
    Miss Britt´s last blog post ..Happiness is Totally Lame Excitement

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    muskrat Reply:

    Yes. It’s a bit nonsensical. Especially since I didn’t even try (or care that much) about making O-5, but after so many years in the lower rank, you have to go before a board for promotion consideration, or they kick you out. So, I had to. I wanted to make it eventually, but not when I still had 5 years to go before “getting my 20″ needed for retirement benefits. I was warned when I was a gung ho Lieutenant that this could happen in 15 years, but I didn’t pay it much mind then, of course.

    But to answer your question– just until I find an accepting base with a vacancy.

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  12. Angella says:

    So sorry, dude. I had a work-related crap day yesterday, so I commiserate.

    All of your guys’ karaoke tweets were KILLING me. Can’t wait for a rematch in Chicago.
    Angella´s last blog post ..Up In The Air

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    muskrat Reply:

    Yes! Which reminds me that I need to buy passes (maybe just party passes this year, given how few sessions I attended last year, and given the distance from conf center to hotel).

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  13. This sounds oddly like the corporate nonsense a certain company pulled to get my wife to quit after nearly 20 years … you know before the real big dollars kicked in.

    Sorry you got caught in the crossfire, but not that we got to hang together again.
    Always Home and Uncool´s last blog post ..Return to #Dad2Summit – Got Words But I’m Not Loquacious

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    muskrat Reply:

    That sucks! Glad she’s happy now and landed on her feet. And, I’m glad we could share some good bourbon together.

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  14. Craig says:

    Well, I won’t pile on the pity or the what the fuck, but I will take this opportunity to say thank you. Thank you for your service and for your friendship. I appreciate both more than you might think.

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    muskrat Reply:

    Well, thanks then (and for chiming in)! When Deb works on her 3rd book with F&W, I’ll have to come with her, so we can have more Muskrat Love.

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  15. Mrs. Hall says:

    wow. you’re out eh? my husband retired after 21 years last september. it’s AMAZING having him here every single weekend. not having to plan our life around deployments. His retirement made room for us to become a foster family too. It’s still bizarre though. We still have all this gear and uniforms. We can still go on his old air force base on July 4th and see the jets take off.

    BUT!! here’s the key to post-military survival. And I speak not only as a military wife, but as a mental health nurse pracitioner who works with veterans every single day–don’t define yourself by your service. You are husband and father first. Learn how to adjust and breathe easily.

    but, the more i read the post it looks like you’ve already discovered that :)

    anyway

    THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

    -Mrs. Hall
    Mrs. Hall´s last blog post ..two cups of coffee later

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    Thanks for the comment. I don’t define myself by my service. Maybe if I were active duty I would, but I’ve always been in the Guard/Reserves, and I get way more satisfaction from my “day job” than I do my military one. Like I wrote above, I’m proud of my deployments and am glad to have had some of the travels and adventures made possible by the Air Force, but I’m not crestfallen over not doing it every month any more. That being said, it’ll be a financial adjustment in the short term, and if I can’t find a new unit, I’ll be a little bit sad to be unable to get “my 20″ when I’m only 4 years away.

    Also, I’d like to thank your man for HIS service, too!

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  16. Lamar @ BMWK says:

    It was good seeing you in Houston and as mentioned above thanks for your service (and the fuzzy picture). Hopefully we’ll bump into each other in Atlanta before the next conference.
    Lamar @ BMWK´s last blog post ..12 Things to Do to Prevent Your Kids From Acting a Fool in Public

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    I hope so! Glad to see your message and your business are continuing to pick up steam!

    [Reply]

  17. […] 3rd (there have only been 3) Dad 2.0 Summit in 3 days.  Especially since it shouldn’t have life-altering negative consequences this […]

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