Law

lawsuits: nothing to LOL about

Until today, I thought “Legally Blonde” was a comedy, not a film designed for inspiration.  But a new client came into my office with the above hand-made photo album to be used as evidence in her trial.

“BOA” is an acronym she used to identify her employer.
“OMG” is an acronym she used to identify her state of being appalled.
“LOL” is an acronym she used to identify … laughter?
I can only assume the ellipsis means more LOLing is to come, as in “to be continued…” but with LOLing.

Then she pulled this out of her bag:

If that appears to you to be a pink 3-ring binder covered in glitter, then your perception is accurate!

And if this appears to be puffy sticker letters on a 3-ring binder containing reports intended to put into evidence, then appearances can be trusted here!

After Ms. Woods removed all of these items from her handbag without even a hint of irony, she noticed my face.

Her:  Oh.  Um, I really like pink. Hee hee!
Me:  I can see that.  But here’s the thing.  The judge who’s likely going to be assigned this case?  Is gay.  Just did one of those “It Gets Better” videos and everything.  And you know what was in that video?  How he was beaten up at school every day, and the other kids filled his locker with pink folders, pink trapper keepers, and pads of pink paper while they called him “sissy” and “pussyboy” until he hated the color pink, hated being homosexual, and hated anything that can be called quintessentially feminine.  Like pink.  And glitter.
Her:  *horrified*
Me:  So, you won’t mind if I separate these pictures, notes, and records from their current housing will you?
Her:  *cries*

Cruel?  Maybe.  But necessary?  Absolutely.

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36 Comments

  1. OMG!
    LOL!
    What a; dipshit!
    Haha
    🙂

  2. white girls be crazy.

  3. ok. what the hell? girlfriend has enough smarts to hire a lawyer to help her fight. hiring lawyers is something grown ups do.

    what is with the SIXTH GRADE trapper keeper?

    I would be leery of this girl. She lacks social judgement. might have a screw loose. hopefully she makes a good case. hopefully this lack of social judgement can be explained by her being retarded.

  4. Nothing says “We, the jury, find for the plaintiff” like puffy sticker letters. And are those notebooks by chance scented?

  5. I feel sorry for her poor boyfriend..nothing says stalker like evidence in a scrapbook! Watch your back muskrat!

    • @jade, Didn’t think about that, but a valid point indeed! She was a pretty woman, so I’m sure she has a boyfriend or three. I bet he gets a cross stitched pillow for Valentine’s.

  6. If there’s one thing that gay men know, it’s the difference between the feminine, and the effeminate.

    Perhaps your young client needs to learn the same lesson.

    As a gay man myself, I must confess an un-PC secret. Effeminate women irritate me far more than effeminate men.

    I know that’s wrong, dismissive and cruel on so many levels. So shoot me.

    I’m not sure that the pink notebook will call to mind the judge’s experience of being bullied. But it will certainly excite the scorn of any male misogynist, gay or straight.

    Here’s another un-PC thing to say. One sometimes can detect a streak of misogyny in a gay male’s psyche. What is a drag queen, if not a slap in the face to all things feminine? You are right to tone down the girly stuff.

    As a law-school dropout (now THERE’S a story) it always intrigued me what kind of gay men pursue a career in law. Your observations, oh great straight one?

    • Of course, I am sure the judge, a fine and honourable man that he is, would look beyond any of his personal prejudices, true?

    • @HH, At first, I thought you were calling me misogynist and anti-gay, and I was going to have to get my neighbors to email you nasty messages stating otherwise. Now, I see you were talking about the judge? In any event, I made the story about the judge up so that the prospective client would realize the folly of her 6th grade acting ways.
      As for the other question at the end, the gay attorneys I know are meticulous and aggressive lawyers. They dress well, too. I like and respect them.

      • That’s a relief. If you made up that story about the judge, then I can’t be hauled up for contempt of him.

        I thought a bit about my comment yesterday, and felt I might have been unfair to a fellow gay male.

        But you don’t need to be gay, or male, to be turned off by unbusinesslike behaviour. If a jock presented his evidence in a Pittsbugh Steelers scrapbook, decorated with phrases like “Touchdown for the Plaintiff”, you’d probably advise him in the same way.

        HH

        P.S. On dressing well: I think you’ll find straight lawyers are no slobs, either.

  7. I have no words. That is equal parts OMG and LOL.

  8. I think I like her. An adult woman who has the tenacity to create *Barbie-Themed* evidence binders/albums is a diamond in the rough. I didn’t LOL, but I thought of a few of my over-the-top girlie friends who need to read this post so they see how high your client has raised the bar.

    I agree with H. Husband. Effeminate and feminine are not synonymous.

    • @Chris, You like her? Really? She was quite sweet, actually. Just bad taste. And, I don’t think they’re synonyms either, but when I’m telling a BS story to someone to scare her, I tend to exploit stereotypes.

      • I don’t know if I *like* her. LOL [I don’t think I’ve EVER typed that…] Over the top, colorful people make me smile, though. We all exploit stereotypes sometimes. This was a funny piece. I’m with ya… 🙂

  9. I’m curious if the story about the judge is true…

  10. Do your clients know their misery is your blog fodder? I’m assuming your business cards read “I’m blogging this” for legal reasons. :p

  11. Wow. It’s amazing how often we have to counsel our clients away from the brink of self-destruction.

  12. Wow. Yea. Sparkliciousness doesn’t really seem appropriate in a courtoom setting. Unless the judge is a unicorn.

  13. I love that you lied to her about the judge just to get her to agree to remove the pink stuff, rather than just berate her.

    Was she cute?

  14. QUICK!! Everybody close your eyes, i’m about to say something stupid!!

  15. Your funny Rudy. Where not children anymore haha 🙂 What stupid words are you thinking? gosh! I’m kinda curious about that..

  16. F*ckin’ amazing things here. I’m extremely glad to determine your publish. Thanks a great deal and i’m searching forward to contact you. Will you please drop me a mail?

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