Family Gratuitously offensive

increase the peace

Last weekend, Maddie’s preschool had some kind of singing celebration thing that involved their borrowing a church in midtown in the middle of the afternoon and singing songs of peace to honor MLK. The instructions sent home to parents said something like this:

Children are encouraged to dress in a manner that honors their ethnic heritage.

The black kids all had on little suits; some of them had on three piece suits.  The Indian kids had on full body smock things like the ones I saw men wearing in Iraq, only with more color and bling (and the little girls had bare midriffs).  The Hispanic kids looked like J. Lo at the ’00 Grammys, but with less cleavage.  I don’t remember what the Chinese kids wore–I think they were at home practicing the flute that afternoon.

Our child, in my estimation, stood out.

Me:  How come Maddie’s wearing jeans and a sweater?  Isn’t she going to be under-dressed for this thing?
Pretty Bride:  She’s fine.
Me:  But the flyer said ‘traditional garb’ or some such.  Shouldn’t she be in a…you know…a…what do traditional crackers wear anyway?
PB:  She’s white.  She’s dressed like a little white girl.
Me:  Maybe she should wear a white hood and robe?
PB:  *aghast*
Me:  A smallpox blanket?
PB:  *running away*
Me:  Hats with buckles?  And have her pissing on a little parchment treaty that devises land?
PB:  You’re not being very peaceful.

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  1. Dress her like Britney Spears in her “Hit Me One More Time” video.

    Alas, THAT is our legacy…

    • @dave2, Couple things here:

      First, I’d love to see more women dress like Britney Spears and her entourage in that video (I just watched it, so it’s fresh in my mind now), but not my 4-year-old. Or any other female Muskrat progeny for that matter.

      Second, Have I ever told you about the time in May 2000 I got on stage at a cavernous underground bar by the astronomical clock in Prague and sang this song to a bunch of horrified Czechs?

  2. Americans have an obsession with dressing up in costume. It’s part of the American Dream, I guess. You can become anything you want to be, if you pretend hard enough.

    Bully for Maddie and Pretty Bride. Be who you are.

  3. I can totally imagine this exact same conversation at my house.
    And on the show Modern Family, except the censors probably wouldn’t let them joke about the klan.

  4. The Chinese kids were practicing the violin or the piano… not the flute. Maddie should have worn a too-tight velour sweat suit with “Juicy” written across the bottom. No, wait… that’s so five years ago. I think your wife nailed it.

    • @Chris, Really? Chinese don’t like flutes? I’ll know for the next reference. And there never has been, nor will be, pants with “juicy” across my girls’ bottoms (unless it’s a brand of paddle).

  5. You missed the perfect opportunity to dust off the old Gestapo uniform. Oh, well, there’s always Valentine’s Day.

  6. I just snorted ranch dressing through my nose, but it was totally worth it.

    “What do traditional crackers wear, anyway?”

    Trucker cap, a beater, and a giant belt buckle?

  7. I refuse to let my little half-mexican girl wear j lo attire but still want to honor her heritage! So she’s wears a t-shirt that says, “Half Beaner!”

  8. i’ve been watching too much toddlers & tiaras, so my brain now jumps to those images of little southern girls with spray tans, fake teeth and dolly parton hair. yay for stereotypes & generalizations!

    my fave was the smallpox blanket, btw. awesome.

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