Neighborhood Rants

fuck you, prospective home buyers

Actual emails from the past 10 minutes (I didn’t bother correcting typos and errors):

Me:  We had a couple showings the past couple weekends.  Any feedback?

My Realtor:  Hi, I spoke to Debbie already and she let me know your place was too small for her clients. They make independent films and needed a bigger space to do green screen work. The agent thought it showed well and said it was a nice little house. She also liked the sewing area. In have not heard from the other agent yet. Mike
Sent from my iPhone

Me:  That’s okay…pornographers probably have shitty credit anyway, since they never report their income and have raging coke habits.  And where the hell do they get off calling it a “nice little house”?  It’s not made of gingerbread.  Fuckers (pun intended).  What about the other showing?

My Realtor:  The house was #4 on their list of the ones they liked. They buyers need to sell their house in Lagrange before they can do anything. They are also looking at newer construction further out where they can get more house for the money. They liked the privacy of the backyard and felt that they carpet needed to be replaced and the walls painted. Especially because of the crayons. They liked the space. The agent thought the price was still too high.

We really should look at bringing it down to get more traffic. Let me know your thoughts.  Thanks, Mike
Sent from my iPhone

Me:  My thoughts are that that sucks balls.  I like the crayon marks on the walls–it’s why I won’t paint over them.  You know, those walls are going to worth HUNDREDS of dollars one day when Maddie’s teaching art somewhere where all the kids smoke weed and the all the professors ride bikes to work.  Lower the price again?  We move it another $5k and we’re $100k from where we started.  Can’t you reach deeper into your magic realtor hat and come up with something besides ‘bringing it (the price) down?’ Because that doesn’t appeal to me.  Maybe we offer lease purchase?  When does your contract end, anyway?

I’m still awaiting a response.

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  1. –>I Love this e-mail exchange and I thought the same thing about the couple making adults films.

  2. We just met with a realtor yesterday about selling our house.

    This? Does not make me feel good.

    • @miss britt, I hope y’all have more luck than we have had…I really do. At least you don’t have to drive your kids an hour away for school every day in the interim!

  3. Ever consider turning your house into a meth lab? Some people would pay top dollar for that.

  4. I’m actually sitting in the driveway of a house we’re looking to buy and I’m stealing the neighbor’s Wifi. It’s important to foster those long-term relationships from the beginning.

    I say view the bullet and paint over the crayon and then find a new agent.

    • @tastelikecrazy, I would repaint, except
      1) painting is a pain in the ass,
      2) we’re not sure what the exact color was, so we’d have to redo the entire room(s), and
      3) she’d just color on the newly painted walls anyway.

  5. They’re definitely amateur pornographers. Jizz goes with all decor!

  6. any real artist would appreciate the crayon mark making addition. posers. screw them.

  7. As a former homeowner allow me to console you by saying HA HA HA ON YOU. The next time somebody asks why I rent instead of owning, I’ll show them this.

  8. You’re trying to get featured on Clients from Hell ( aren’t you?

  9. Mr. Hall describes the process of selling a house this way:

    “Yeah, it’s pretty much prison sex.”

    And i concur with this assessment.

    my heart goes out to ya.

    • @mrs hall, Yeah. This is the second property I’ve bought, and I still own the first one, too. So, I have no idea what it’s like to actually get an offer on a piece of real estate. I assume it feels good, but I just don’t know.

  10. I’ll buy your house. Do you accept Monopoly money?

  11. I’d like to hear some more about the prison sex.

    Oh, and uh, good luck selling your house.

  12. I have never had to sell a house, but did sell. To a church who wanted our property to put in more parking. We let them buy it from us for $35k over what it was worth. It was fun. I wish the same for you. In fact, I’ll bring out the voodoo doll and give that a whirl.

    • @kathy, I’m trying not to hate on you right now. If you bring out the magic voodoo doll, however, all feelings will turn to goodness and warm happy feelings.

  13. Did you tell the Realtor that the agent should tell the buyers that the walk-in closet makes a great nursery?

  14. I always suspected there was a magic realtor’s hat.

  15. You need to paint every interior wall of your home white. And declutter. And drop the price by 73%. That’s all.

  16. Are you sure the title of this post is directed at the right people? This reminds me of the last time I sold a house and I still want to cry about it. It took a year. A YEAR! My wallet whimpers just thinking about it.

    • @Margaret, It’s directed at the prospective buyers who keep giving me the finger, but not all of them. Somewhere is a qualified buyer who wants our abode. Somewhere.

  17. I wish I could claim success at my job by simply saying “lower the price.”

    Maybe I’ll try that. Just keep that paralegal job open for me, ok?

  18. Ugh, just left you this huge comment and then the internet ate it for breakfast. So I’ll just say that I’ve been there and it sucked and when you find the right person, it will work out. I worked my butt off on home staging after two months of nothing and that really helped things. I’d be happy to share what I did if you’re interested and think it might help.

  19. As soon as I read ‘independent films’ I screamed PORN! (In my head, because I’m at work and I’m professional!) This was hilarious.

  20. What? Is your baby growing out of the closet? Hey, what if you keep your house as a rental and buy another? It’s not the best time to sell. 🙂 Don’t you have another rental also..pretty soon you can quit your ‘job’ and be slumlords, I mean landlords! hahaha thanks for the laugh..

    • @Jade, In a few months, she’ll be able to climb out of the bassinet that’s i the closet, yet. Not sure where we’ll stick her at that point.

      We may have to rent it out (and yes, I have a condo I rent out, too), but I don’t like the thought of owning every property I’ve ever bought because I can’t sell them!

  21. Come on now, I rented my condo out to some very nice pornographers. They always paid on time, in cash – even if the bills were a little sticky.

  22. I also thought that they were pornographers when they mentioned needing more room … but for GREEN SCREENS? Man, I guess I haven’t watched porn in a really long time.

  23. Haven’t you seen the new shit on Cinemax? Porn has special effects now!

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