08.26fuck you, prospective home buyers
Actual emails from the past 10 minutes (I didn’t bother correcting typos and errors):
Me: We had a couple showings the past couple weekends. Any feedback?
My Realtor: Hi, I spoke to Debbie already and she let me know your place was too small for her clients. They make independent films and needed a bigger space to do green screen work. The agent thought it showed well and said it was a nice little house. She also liked the sewing area. In have not heard from the other agent yet. Mike
Sent from my iPhoneMe: That’s okay…pornographers probably have shitty credit anyway, since they never report their income and have raging coke habits. And where the hell do they get off calling it a “nice little house”? It’s not made of gingerbread. Fuckers (pun intended). What about the other showing?
My Realtor: The house was #4 on their list of the ones they liked. They buyers need to sell their house in Lagrange before they can do anything. They are also looking at newer construction further out where they can get more house for the money. They liked the privacy of the backyard and felt that they carpet needed to be replaced and the walls painted. Especially because of the crayons. They liked the space. The agent thought the price was still too high.
We really should look at bringing it down to get more traffic. Let me know your thoughts. Thanks, Mike
Sent from my iPhoneMe: My thoughts are that that sucks balls. I like the crayon marks on the walls–it’s why I won’t paint over them. You know, those walls are going to worth HUNDREDS of dollars one day when Maddie’s teaching art somewhere where all the kids smoke weed and the all the professors ride bikes to work. Lower the price again? We move it another $5k and we’re $100k from where we started. Can’t you reach deeper into your magic realtor hat and come up with something besides ‘bringing it (the price) down?’ Because that doesn’t appeal to me. Maybe we offer lease purchase? When does your contract end, anyway?
I’m still awaiting a response.
–>I Love this e-mail exchange and I thought the same thing about the couple making adults films.
~deb
WebSavvyMom´s last [type] ..Wordless Wednesday – Bringing Curly Back
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 2:54 PM
@websavvymom, Glad we think alike! It looks funny here, but it wasn’t all that funny when I got these emails.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2010 at 10:12 AM
We just met with a realtor yesterday about selling our house.
This? Does not make me feel good.
Miss Britt´s last [type] ..Most People Are Not Idiots
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 2:42 PM
@miss britt, I hope y’all have more luck than we have had…I really do. At least you don’t have to drive your kids an hour away for school every day in the interim!
[Reply]
August 26th, 2010 at 10:52 AM
Ever consider turning your house into a meth lab? Some people would pay top dollar for that.
Dave2´s last [type] ..Sleeper
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 2:43 PM
@Dave2, I just gave it some consideration and think that….you’re brilliant!
[Reply]
August 26th, 2010 at 10:57 AM
I’m actually sitting in the driveway of a house we’re looking to buy and I’m stealing the neighbor’s Wifi. It’s important to foster those long-term relationships from the beginning.
I say view the bullet and paint over the crayon and then find a new agent.
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 2:44 PM
@tastelikecrazy, I would repaint, except
1) painting is a pain in the ass,
2) we’re not sure what the exact color was, so we’d have to redo the entire room(s), and
3) she’d just color on the newly painted walls anyway.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2010 at 11:08 AM
They’re definitely amateur pornographers. Jizz goes with all decor!
Sybil Law´s last [type] ..My Awesome Jonas Brothers Review
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 2:44 PM
@sybil, I think you’re right. B-list filmmakers at best.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2010 at 11:32 AM
any real artist would appreciate the crayon mark making addition. posers. screw them.
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 2:45 PM
@leel, They decidedly suck.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2010 at 12:27 PM
As a former homeowner allow me to console you by saying HA HA HA ON YOU. The next time somebody asks why I rent instead of owning, I’ll show them this.
Grant´s last [type] ..Just so you know Im not dead
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 2:45 PM
@grant, We aspire to sell and then rent for a while. You are way smarter than we are!
[Reply]
August 26th, 2010 at 12:44 PM
You’re trying to get featured on Clients from Hell (http://clientsfromhell.net/) aren’t you?
SciFi Dad´s last [type] ..Questions
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 2:47 PM
@SciFi Dad, Thanks for that link! Funny stuff. And, yes.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2010 at 1:17 PM
Mr. Hall describes the process of selling a house this way:
“Yeah, it’s pretty much prison sex.”
And i concur with this assessment.
my heart goes out to ya.
Mrs. Hall´s last [type] ..Why cant people act more Asian in Asian restaurants
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 7:39 PM
@mrs hall, Yeah. This is the second property I’ve bought, and I still own the first one, too. So, I have no idea what it’s like to actually get an offer on a piece of real estate. I assume it feels good, but I just don’t know.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2010 at 3:49 PM
I’ll buy your house. Do you accept Monopoly money?
Avitable´s last [type] ..Alpha
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 7:39 PM
@avitable, NO! Unless it’s accompanied by a reach-around.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2010 at 5:18 PM
I’d like to hear some more about the prison sex.
Oh, and uh, good luck selling your house.
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
August 26th, 2010 at 7:39 PM
@Countessa, It’s not as great as it sounds.
[Reply]
August 26th, 2010 at 5:58 PM
I have never had to sell a house, but did sell. To a church who wanted our property to put in more parking. We let them buy it from us for $35k over what it was worth. It was fun. I wish the same for you. In fact, I’ll bring out the voodoo doll and give that a whirl.
Kathy´s last [type] ..Where to Find Big Girl Panties
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
August 27th, 2010 at 7:26 PM
@kathy, I’m trying not to hate on you right now. If you bring out the magic voodoo doll, however, all feelings will turn to goodness and warm happy feelings.
[Reply]
August 27th, 2010 at 3:34 PM
Did you tell the Realtor that the agent should tell the buyers that the walk-in closet makes a great nursery?
Amber-Lee´s last [type] ..To My Sister Mary
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
August 29th, 2010 at 1:30 PM
@amber-lee, Dammit! No, I totally spaced on that great feature.
[Reply]
August 28th, 2010 at 8:31 AM
I always suspected there was a magic realtor’s hat.
JD at I Do Things´s last [type] ..I Went to a Polish Wedding Reception so you don’t have to
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
August 29th, 2010 at 1:30 PM
@JD, If there is one, my realtor sure as shootin’ doesn’t have one.
[Reply]
August 28th, 2010 at 12:42 PM
You need to paint every interior wall of your home white. And declutter. And drop the price by 73%. That’s all.
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 12:39 PM
@AH&U, I hate these suggestions.
[Reply]
August 30th, 2010 at 9:10 AM
Are you sure the title of this post is directed at the right people? This reminds me of the last time I sold a house and I still want to cry about it. It took a year. A YEAR! My wallet whimpers just thinking about it.
Margaret (Nanny Goats)´s last [type] ..Confessions of an American Musical Idiot
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
August 30th, 2010 at 12:40 PM
@Margaret, It’s directed at the prospective buyers who keep giving me the finger, but not all of them. Somewhere is a qualified buyer who wants our abode. Somewhere.
[Reply]
August 30th, 2010 at 11:46 AM
I wish I could claim success at my job by simply saying “lower the price.”
Maybe I’ll try that. Just keep that paralegal job open for me, ok?
BusyDad´s last [type] ..Leo Burnett will regret or heartily applaud not hiring me
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 8:18 AM
@busydad, Gladly…you know how to use apostrophes, right?
[Reply]
August 31st, 2010 at 6:53 PM
Ugh, just left you this huge comment and then the internet ate it for breakfast. So I’ll just say that I’ve been there and it sucked and when you find the right person, it will work out. I worked my butt off on home staging after two months of nothing and that really helped things. I’d be happy to share what I did if you’re interested and think it might help.
Black Belt Mama´s last [type] ..PT Progress and Insurance Love Letters
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 8:19 AM
@BBM, Sure! We’re desperate. Especially with the new realization that we have mice.
[Reply]
September 1st, 2010 at 7:40 AM
As soon as I read ‘independent films’ I screamed PORN! (In my head, because I’m at work and I’m professional!) This was hilarious.
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 11:37 AM
@loukia, Glad you can laugh at our woes! I try to most days.
[Reply]
September 1st, 2010 at 10:12 AM
What? Is your baby growing out of the closet? Hey, what if you keep your house as a rental and buy another? It’s not the best time to sell.
Don’t you have another rental also..pretty soon you can quit your ‘job’ and be slumlords, I mean landlords! hahaha thanks for the laugh..
jade´s last [type] ..Me @ the City Health Clinic
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
September 1st, 2010 at 11:39 AM
@Jade, In a few months, she’ll be able to climb out of the bassinet that’s i the closet, yet. Not sure where we’ll stick her at that point.
We may have to rent it out (and yes, I have a condo I rent out, too), but I don’t like the thought of owning every property I’ve ever bought because I can’t sell them!
[Reply]
September 1st, 2010 at 11:14 AM
Come on now, I rented my condo out to some very nice pornographers. They always paid on time, in cash – even if the bills were a little sticky.
PJ Mullen´s last [type] ..“Dad Proof” Family Vacations
[Reply]
Muskrat Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 4:38 PM
@PJ, You may be more disgusting than Avitable!
[Reply]
September 3rd, 2010 at 1:32 PM
I also thought that they were pornographers when they mentioned needing more room … but for GREEN SCREENS? Man, I guess I haven’t watched porn in a really long time.
[Reply]
Muskrat Reply:
September 3rd, 2010 at 4:39 PM
@rachel, Green is the new flesh.
[Reply]
September 3rd, 2010 at 2:20 PM
Haven’t you seen the new shit on Cinemax? Porn has special effects now!
Michelle´s last [type] ..Splinter
[Reply]
muskrat Reply:
September 7th, 2010 at 6:55 PM
@michelle, Sorry, but I haven’t. I’m ignorant like that.
[Reply]
September 5th, 2010 at 8:52 PM