a farewell to balls

I could write about the utter terror someone who passes out when given shots or blood tests faces when going for surgery on his nethers, but it’s easier to just provide my impressions from that timeframe as they were happening.

Accordingly, here are my tweets, in reverse chronological order:

    1. Fireworks behind our house tonight. Either the Braves won, or the city is celebrating my infertility. Fri Jun 25 22:49:22 2010 via Twitter for iPhone
    2. Thanks for all the support, but tweeting a bunch isn’t brave. It’s how I cope: diversion. Fri Jun 25 15:23:57 2010 via Twitter for iPhone
    3. Post surgery milk shake!!! (@ OK Cafe) http://4sq.com/5c5ccS Fri Jun 25 15:20:00 2010 via foursquare
    4. Am now safely in the passenger seat of our minivan. How appropriate. Fri Jun 25 15:16:03 2010 via Twitter for iPhone
    5. The new walk of shame: gingerly shuffling out of the urologist’s office in front of 20 people. Fri Jun 25 15:09:42 2010 via Twitter for iPhone
    6. Am upright. Still afraid to look down. Is this what it feels like to be a circus performer? Fri Jun 25 15:03:36 2010 via Twitter for iPhone
    7. I like how it says “congratulations!”. Asses. http://yfrog.com/euofngj Fri Jun 25 15:02:39 2010 via Twitter for iPhone
    8. This is where my bare ass sweat like a whore in church. http://yfrog.com/5cvhoaj Fri Jun 25 15:00:27 2010 via Twitter for iPhone
    9. I am afraid to look down under this gauze. It’s like being on a building’s ledge. Fri Jun 25 14:58:34 2010 via Twitter for iPhone
    10. They say no peas or ice. I did it scalpel-free! Fri Jun 25 14:57:19 2010 via Twitter for iPhone
    11. Just got busted tweeting. Oops. Apparently I’m supposed to provide a semen sample when I’m at blogher: 6 weeks from now. Hmmm. Fri Jun 25 14:56:40 2010 via Twitter for iPhone
    12. The video says I am supposed to take “specimen” cups with me. I can only imagine. Fri Jun 25 14:52:01 2010 via Twitter for iPhone
    13. The dr said he knew I was a lawyer by my small penis. I said I knew he was a doc by his med mal insurance releases. Fri Jun 25 14:50:25 2010 via Twitter for iPhone
    14. Why is STP’s “Half the Man I Used to Be” in my head? Fri Jun 25 14:49:13 2010 via Twitter for iPhone
    15. I think smelling burning flesh was the worst. Oh yeah, and the damned needle that made me sweat a quart. Fri Jun 25 14:48:11 2010 via Twitter for iPhone
    16. I think he’s done. I’m alone w the video again. 2:46 PM Jun 25th via Twitter for iPhon
    17. I hope this isn’t “intern day.” 2:25 PM Jun 25th via Twitter for iPhone
    18. The video stopped. http://yfrog.com/j2bzcj 2:23 PM Jun 25th via Twitter for iPhone
    19. Now the video wants me to take off my pants. Stranger danger!!! 2:19 PM Jun 25th via Twitter for iPhone
    20. The video says not to worry. The video does not know me. 2:17 PM Jun 25th via Twitter for iPhone
    21. I like the word “rare.” 2:17 PM Jun 25th via Twitter for iPhone
    22. They are making me watch a video. I don’t want to know the risks, asshole. 2:16 PM Jun 25th via Twitter for iPhone
    23. a touching post by a friend about my balls: http://bit.ly/9OrSkO 11:43 AM Jun 25th via TweetDeck
    24. am 3.5 hours away from my appointment to get neutered. stressed. is that what a rapist in saudi arabia feels like? 10:39 AM Jun 25th via TweetDeck

Now that it’s over, I gotta say I recommend doing it scalpel-free, like I did here.  No ice or frozen peas.  No swelling or bruising the next day or the next day or the day after that.  No finding my absent penis on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven several hours after losing it.

The worst part?  The clamp.  I was terrified to look down, but at some point, some sort of vice grip contraption was cinched around my johnson.  I was certain it was going to lose its nutrients’ supply, turn black, and fall onto the floor before ending up in a pawn shop.  But it didn’t.  I was VERY relieved, however, when the cinch came off at the end.

As for my interpersonal relations?  Okay so far.  I mean, my pecker wasn’t talking to me for the first several hours afterward.  I avoided eye contact until Saturday afternoon (a good 24 hours), and even when I reached out to it to resume normal conversation, it played “hard to get” and retracted like a defeated turtle.

I think our relationship will improve over time, however.  It keeps asking to go for vigorous runs down the nature trail behind our building, and I have to gently tell it, “Not yet.  Doctor’s orders, buddy.”  It seems to understand, even if it acts petulant right now.

Someday, it’ll thank me for the sacrifice my psyche endured for its freedom from suffocation by latex or butting its head against hard plastic.  Some day, oh peevish penis.  Just not now.

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44 Responses to “a farewell to balls”

  1. thenextmartha says:

    Well done. At some point it will surely enjoy the ride.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @next martha, Let’s hope so.

    [Reply]

  2. Keith Wilcox says:

    A vice on your pecker? That does not sound pleasant at all. I’m glad you are enduring the aftermath so nicely and without remorse :-)
    .-= Keith Wilcox´s last blog ..Playing the Lottery- A Waste of Scant Resources =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @keith, A vice indeed. And not the good kind, like cussin’ and gamblin’.

    [Reply]

  3. Countessa says:

    I think the best part of my ex’s vasectomy was at the very end of the procedure and the doctor was tying the skin sutures – “HEY! You’re not tyin’ a shoe down there, Doc! A little more careful, eh?”. Heh.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @countessa, Nice. I had no sutures, and I’m glad.

    [Reply]

  4. SciFi Dad says:

    Farewell, Muskrat’s Balls, I (thankfully) barely knew ye.
    .-= SciFi Dad´s last blog ..The End Of JK =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @scifi dad, Sadly, you didn’t.

    [Reply]

  5. Mrs. Hall says:

    that.was.awesome.

    yeah fireworks!

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @mrs hall, It was a good punctuation mark.

    [Reply]

  6. Chris says:

    The sweat shot was neato. My husband had hernia surgery last summer and they were able to snip his vas deference through the tiny incision made in his lower belly. He could make eye contact with his soldier when the drugs left his system.

    You’re funny. Hope you’re feeling better…
    .-= Chris´s last blog ..Large Like Jabba The Hutt =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @chris, It didn’t feel all that neato. I like the double whammy your husband accomplished…what a smart man!

    [Reply]

  7. SSG says:

    I went to change contraception at the doctors last week. I asked her if there was anything my boyfriend could have instead of me. She said a vasectomy. I asked my boyfriend when I got home. He said no. I asked him if he wants kids. He said no. It would be good if he would put his money where his mouth is! Well done sir, now you can have reckless wanton sex and not worry about the sperm and the egg meeting. I salute you.
    .-= SSG´s last blog ..Sometimes =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @SSG, Your man needs to man up. One would think he’d like to be saluted!

    [Reply]

  8. Miss Britt says:

    a) That shirt is awesome.

    b) I forgot about you being so scared of needles and blood and stuff. Now I feel bad about all the ball jokes. Good for you for taking this one for the team.
    .-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..My Before and “After” Pictures Really =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @miss britt, I don’t like being a team player. I’m thinking about quitting and going back to being selfish.

    [Reply]

  9. I’m not even a guy, and this made me squirm and clamp (sorry to use that word) my legs together in terror.

    My husband went through this years ago — a time before Twitter, if you can imagine such a thing. I guess he used TV and whining like a baby baby as diversion tactics.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @JD, A time before Twitter? How awful! How did people find sympathy back then?

    [Reply]

  10. Grant says:

    None of this would have been necessary if you had only discovered the joy of anal sex. I wish you would consult with someone wise like me or Avitable before you undertake these rash actions.
    .-= Grant´s last blog ..Super-duper fun wow special contest =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @Grant, What about the resultant hemorrhoid surgery…know how to avoid that?

    [Reply]

  11. Congratulations. Zero population growth starts at home.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @nancy, You sound like you’ve already written this PSA. Good work.

    [Reply]

  12. Hockeymandad says:

    Been there. Done that. The worst part is yet to come. No pun intended. To me, the worst part was when you had to go back to make sure it “worked” okay. I was given my cups to provide samples in and that was creepy. Not the act at home, but handing my brown lunch bag to the receptionist. Yes, I just whacked off ma’am into this cup and drove the fruit of my labor to your office. I often joked I would bring a cup that looked the same of milk and sit in the lobby psyching myself up to drink from it. Was funny in my head anyway.
    .-= Hockeymandad´s last blog ..Back to the Grind =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @hockymandad, Yeah, most everyone I’ve talked to skipped that part, actually. I’m in NYC 6 weeks from now when I’m supposed to go, so I guess I might deliver the goods late…I’ll see how I’m feeling about such a move in August.
    I think that idea is awesome, by the way! But I don’t think I have the balls to do it.

    [Reply]

  13. Lojo says:

    Oh you guys and your attachment to your balls. “Clamp around your johnson”?, try having a speculum shoved up and EXPANDED, and then left to hang! I won’t even mention the pushing of a large watermelon through a penis sized tube. Way to *man up* by *de-manning*! May you enjoy your new found freedom!

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @lojo, I don’t know what a speculum is, but I’m pretty sure it’s something you just made up.

    [Reply]

  14. Fran says:

    Congratulations! Welcome to the liberated age of worry-free sex with your beloved. I’d forgotten all about the smell of burning flesh. Maybe because it wasn’t my own.

    Thanks for the humorous retrospective. I can’t believe I missed this drama playing out on Friday!
    .-= Fran´s last blog ..Spring Cleaning =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @fran, It’s okay…I realize not everyone can read twitter every day, all day.

    [Reply]

  15. headbang8 says:

    Good work, Muskrat. I recall you swore you’d never do it, but courage and common sense prevailed.

    “my pecker…made eye contact…” A nice little turn of phrase, which I shall pass off as my own when I next talk about boners.
    .-= headbang8´s last blog ..The Other World Cup =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @headbang8, I did declare I wouldn’t do it. I guess I sometimes can let common sense creep into my head. But not often.

    [Reply]

  16. First? Going to send the Ty-man your way. He needs to do this.

    Second? My friend likes to use the euphemism “Cash and prizes” when referring to his nethers. I could use said euphemism here in a crude joke about your procedure… but I won’t. My gift to you.

    Glad you survived.
    .-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Fiddle On- Senator Byrd =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @CoalMiner’sGD, Oh no…he’s going to hate me now!

    [Reply]

  17. jade says:

    I’ve been thinking of taking my hubby to the free spay & neuter clinic at the animal shelter. but then he’d have to wear that big plastic thing around his neck.
    .-= jade´s last blog ..Get Out of my Head =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @jade, Ha! That’s exactly why I went ahead and paid for mine.

    [Reply]

  18. Real men get vasectomies. It’s good to know a real man (I got fixed during my 3rd c-section, so my DH didn’t get the chance).

    Congratulations!

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @crazymomtats, I’m so glad to learn I don’t have to wear black to be a real man anymore. Everyone thought I was chronically sad.

    [Reply]

  19. A Free Man says:

    I think what you’ve done here is brilliant. Beautifully illustrated exactly what is wrong with twitter and by extension, Western society as a whole.
    .-= A Free Man´s last blog ..She wore red dresses and left the wounded behind =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @FreeMan, Are you dissing Twitter, me, or both? Because the replies I received indicated I provided a valuable service. And most importantly, I avoided passing out be playing with my phone the whole time.

    [Reply]

  20. Avitable says:

    Well, if PB decides she wants another kid, send her my way, okay?
    .-= Avitable´s last blog ..Monday Bullets =-.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    @avitable, I think she prefers PRACTICING lawyers.

    [Reply]

    Avitable Reply:

    I practice all the time. I’m just not ready to go pro yet.
    .-= Avitable´s last blog ..Monday Bullets =-.

    [Reply]

  21. SurprisedMom says:

    Good for you!

    Good luck with your six-week check up.

    The burning flesh comment did have me cringing, though.
    .-= SurprisedMom´s last blog ..And the Rockets Red Glare- =-.

    [Reply]

  22. Oops. I’m reading things out of order. No 7 kids then. Congrats on the sexual freedom!
    .-= Swedish Skier´s last blog ..A follow up to the Grinch =-.

    [Reply]

  23. […] I gained fifteen pounds despite losing my balls. […]

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