help me, andrew clark. you’re my only hope.

We’ve been trying to eat healthier the past couple of months.  Joined a local organic farm CSA and everything.  However, when the  neighbors came over with brats and chorizo for the grill to join our free range chicken on Memorial Day, I agreed.  And when the Mrs. cooked a dozen chocolate chip cookies, I found myself powerless to have fewer than 10.

Tuesday I didn’t feel so well, but I had a trial to get ready for, so I powered through.

Today was worse.

After emptying my bowels numerous times of the noxious fluid that audibly tormented me all morning, I rooted around in my briefcase and found a plastic container of Pepto pills.  I think I bought them when I worked for IBM in 1997.  I needed advice, and quickly.  I turned to Twitter:

I assume it’s fine to take Pepto that expired in 2004, right? This is an emergency. about 8 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

And by “emergency” I mean “I may shit myself in court. about 8 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone

And you responded.  With wisdom:

habanerogal habanerogal @themuskrat GO FOR IT about 8 hours ago via web

Holly _pixie_@themuskrat If you take the Pepto you may shit yourself anyway.

Frank Lazaro franklazaro @themuskrat It is either going to work or just exacerbate the problem. Not bad odds considering the alternative

Jess Van DyneEvans daysgoby@themuskrat Shitting in court sounds awful. Hoping Pinky comes through.

Chris Singer tessasdad @themuskrat It’s the 2 minute warning and you need a hail mary. Gotta take those pills my friend.

I elected to go for it:
There is an angry herd of Thunder Cats in my belly. I hate them. about 8 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
Ok little expired pink pills…DO YOUR THING! about 8 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
And again, you responded with your supportive tweets:
Lin stellar225 @themuskrat I’m sorry for your situation. Truly. Bc of it I’m about to pee my pants in the bakery as I laugh @ each update.
Miss Britt missbritt @themuskrat your stomach issues made me laugh out loud. Thanks!!

habanerogal habanerogal @themuskrat Thanks Muskrat now that stupid Thundercats theme will be going through my head all day would rather have the gut grief

JP Chaos mrschaos @themuskrat You might just win your case that way…(I hope you feel better, though!)

But the pills didn’t help.  So I stood in front of the Honorable Judge Thomas with my ass clinched together like I was trying to turn coal into diamonds, praying that Andrew Clark would try to impress his wrestling buddies by taping my buns together.  No dice.
I thought of that old expression, “Is a frog’s ass water tight?” and I decided I would be the frog.
During my direct examination of my client, my lips asked the questions I’d outlined, but in my head, I was the frog.

During my cross examination of the adjuster, I continued to concentrate on being Kermit.  MUST.  NOT.  LEAK.

During my cross examination of the insurance company’s eye witness, I was all:

“Frog!  I am the frog!  Please don’t SHIT YOURSELF, MR. FROG!”
During the other guy’s directs and crosses, I sat in my chair and willed my asshole to stay shut.
And I made it through the hearing without shitting myself.
And that?  That has made all the difference.
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  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention help me, andrew clark. you’re my only hope. | Father Muskrat --

  2. Congratulations!!

    Now – I think you’re required to play the part of Andrew Clark during our Breakfast Club flash mob at BlogHer.
    .-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..On losing control =-.

  3. Thank GOD you still have your anal virginity!
    .-= SciFi Dad´s last blog ..Thankful =-.

  4. Next time channel your inner Gregory Peck because he would NEVER shit himself in court. Glad ya got through things, good luck with the gut grief.
    .-= habanerogal´s last blog ..A Quickie Quitting Update =-.

  5. Lawyer clothes: $200
    Lawyer briefcase: $100
    Lawyer education: $50,000
    Not shitting yourself in court: priceless

    I could be wrong about some of those prices.

    When we were kids and felt nauseous, we always got the liquid form of Pepto. And it would ALWAYS, without fail, make us puke. I firmly believe the pills are ineffective. Of course, you probably didn’t want to puke all over the judge either. But puking would be better than shitting.

    • @JD, Add a 0 to the “clothes” category and multiply the “briefcase” one by 5. As for education, divide by 2 (I was in-state and at a public school). But the “not shitting myself”? Totally priceless.

  6. That pretty much describes my life between June 2008 and April 2010. Welcome to my reality, amateur. Immodium AD helps if you have enough warning, but when I’m in the throes of shart sometimes I have no choice but to cut all food and fluids. Dehydrating is not good, but better than the constant shits.
    .-= Grant´s last blog ..New bloggy direction =-.

  7. Um yeah, I just got back from Belize and must’ve brought some small critters with me in my bowels and now they want to check out Colorado’s toilets. I want out of this togetherness shit.
    .-= Swedish Skier´s last blog ..Friday Quotes =-.

  8. And I thought *I* had butt woes. No, no, Attorney Muskrat, you totally win.

    • @countessa, I don’t win if it means I have to go by “Attorney Muskrat.” Wait, I don’t want to win anyway. This is a shitty contest.

  9. I have a lawyer friend who was not so lucky. He can never go back to that courthouse again.
    .-= Avitable´s last blog ..Box =-.

  10. I scrolled through this whole post thinking that the friends brought over brats as in their kids, and you were planning on grilling THEM. Which actually made me laugh, because really, I have those days myself. but then I got that, so now I have to finish reading the rest of it.

  11. I love that someone named habanerogirl was all for you shoving questionable stuff down your gullet. She’s the one who brought the chorizo over, wasn’t she.
    .-= Margaret (Nanny Goats)´s last blog ..Counting Crows (and Dead Celebrities) =-.

  12. I’m thrilled you were able to keep your trap door shut. I once had the same problem during a remote computer troubleshooting session with a client. I could hardly breathe. I managed to fix the problem in record time, end the session and get to a bathroom down the hall in time. God was with me. No one else was in there at the time. Had there been, I expect I would have shouted “Get out!!!” like the house did to the Lutz’s in Amityville Horror.
    .-= Kathy´s last blog ..Trouble in Paradise =-.

  13. I wanted to wish you a happy birthday (early) on your other post, but it said, “Comments are closed.” So I’ll say it here: Happy birthday, douchebag. 😉

  14. So, basically it was a happy ending?
    .-= SurprisedMom´s last blog ..Mom Who? =-.

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