One of my blogging friends recently wrote about his one year bloggiversary, and I thought, “Hey, I’ll bet my bloggiversary is coming up, too, but it’s been SO DAMNED LONG since I’ve read my blog or anyone else’s that I honestly don’t know. Was it May or June?” and then I thought I’d break character to write one of those, “Sorry it’s been a while” blog post prefaces like pussyboy bloggers do from time to time, which only creates a big ol’ “Do you think we actually give a shit where you’ve been?” response in my head, often leading to a vitriolic comment reflecting as much. But, I decided against it.
So far, I must say the best aspect of working for myself is the shitters. Stay with me here. Before, I had to walk into a large open restroom with 2 urinals and 2 stalls, and the entrance had a small cave closet just inside the door inhabited by some kind of trollish woman I unaffectionately called the “turd burglar” because of her affinity for interrupting me at that “not so welcomed” time every morning.
Now, I have a door that leads to a series of 4 more doors, and behind each of these 4 doors is MY OWN TOILET AND SINK! It’s like being in an airplane but with more space and less temptation to sneak in with the top-heavy girl from first class whose ass I’d like to TAX LIKE THE GOVERNMENT. I love it. No one barges in or crinkles a newspaper or hammers his blackberry or answers the phone with “Nothing–what are you doing?” when I know good and well that HE’S NOT DOING NOTHING IN THERE–I CAN SMELL OTHERWISE!”
It isn’t autonomy or freedom or peace or uncapped income potential that pleases me these days. It’s the ability to know that if a tombstone hung over my office space, it’d say “S.I.P.” **
* Tonight’s post sponsored by Woodford Reserve. Straight. Buy some, and encourage the white trash in Kentucky to pay me for endorsements.
** Shits in Peace
Do you actually think we give a shit where you’ve been? 😉
Okay, we do and some of us know where you’ve been, busy with life — and shit, or so it sounds like.
Some of us, though, do miss your regular posts, pussyboy.
Unfinished Rambler’s last blog post..One Year Bloggiversary, Part II: Thanks for making this a semi-success
Even better if you work from home. Write briefs without wearing any.
Personally, I do my best work naked.
headbang8’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
lol@headbang. I like sitting in my pants and t-shirt at home doing stuff, that is the most comfy and productive way to work for me.
When I was wee, my gran would only take us to places that had “nice bathrooms”. In India, there was always someone employed to live in the bathrooms, which I found quite intimidating. Glad at work here i can also SIP.
SSG’s last blog post..Funny
soldier savors solo shitter. senses sympathy. shares story. salute!! (the russian “cheers!”)
I know it is a relief (no pun intended) to be liberated from the evil turd burglar,but now you have another problem. Mmm..which toilet will you use today? Toss a coin? Oh dear,decisions,decisions.
That’s why I would always hold it until I got home. And now I don’t have to!
Avitable’s last blog post..Avitable’s guide to killing your family
Now we know what you’ve been up to. Just shitting in peace.
Nice.
😉
Brenda-SeriouslyMama’s last blog post..It’s Chuck E. Cheese for adults…
Welcome back, dookie freak.
You didn’t really have to spell out S.I.P., my friend. Good to hear from you.
A Free Man’s last blog post..There are ways to tell the tides and waves of change
OMFG. Dude. Stop it. I’m laughing so hard, I hurt. “SIP” made me snort!
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..My Mom is Divine 69!
What’d’ya know?!? Here I thought that working for yourself meant less benefits.
Very funny post! And I agree with A Free Man – I figured out SIP all by my lonesome and I’m not even usually that good at the whole acronym thing.
Jill/Twipply Skwood’s last blog post..Death by Entanglement
I always want to yell “Hey, could you pass me some toilet paper!” or something to those idiots who talk on the phone while doing their business.
diesel’s last blog post..Still not back…
Unfinished Rambler, I know for a fact that most people don’t care, but that you do. Bigtime.
Headbang8, I would love to write a brief without wearing any, and I do every day (due to boxers, not nudity, though)!
SSG, I’m wondering if the burglar is Indian. She looks more Hispanic, but I’ll have to find out when/if I get a case against my old firm.
AvatG, Do Russians salute the shitter? I always knew there were a little “off,” but wow.
Kipstreg, There are decisions I welcome, though!
Avitable, I don’t think I’d want to be next to you in a stall anyway, so I’m quite glad–for society’s sake–that you work from home.
Brenda, Did you expect that I was being productive or something? Oh, the naivete!
Countessa, Freak? I know that’s your pet name for me. It’s okay.
FreeMan, Not everyone in my studio audience has the number of letters behind his name that you do. Ever hear of “lowest common denominator”?
CoalMiner’sGranddaughter, I hope I didn’t get you in trouble at work…
Jill, You must be smart like A Free Man!
Diesel, I would love it if you started doing that and then wrote about it. For rizzeal.
hey, glad to hear your turds are no longer be burglarized. I have heard of turd burglars before, but only as a derrogatory way of accusing people they are gay. Like, “quit acting like a turd burglar”. I like your more literal use of the term.
That top-heavy girl in first class had damn well better be me, Muskrat, or the turd burglar will be the least of your worries. For rizzeal.