01.29friday confessional for january 30: fornicating with an ex’s wife
Father Muskrat: Oh my. I’ve seen posters hanging at the post office depicting more innocent-looking people than you appear today. What’s up?Countessa: Well…see…it’s been a few years, but I sorta committed adultery, I think.FM: What? Like being “sorta ” gay? Or “sorta” pregnant? Or “sorta” Republican?Countessa: Funny you should suggest such: I slept with my ex-husband’s wife. It was before she was his wife, though. It was, like, years ago. It was–
FM: Just how many people live in your Mississippi trailer park anyway?
Countessa: Father!
FM: I’m sorry. I’m afraid this story is a bit too far-fetched. I need evidence. Do you have any film depicting the vile acts you performed with this poor, unsuspecting woman?Countessa: Well, technically, I tied her up and did bad sexual nasty things to her. There wasn’t really a with; it was definitely more of a to situation.FM: Narcissus’s nethers! I’m appalled! Now where do I stash my horse whip? Ah, yes, there it is, next to my chaps.Countessa: That’s not the confessional part, Father Freaky.FM: You mean you taped it? Because that really would be appalling, and frankly, such evidence would need to be kept in my locker here to assure a discernible chain of custody, and…did you just call me “Freaky”?Countessa: Freaky freak! I knew it. And yes, there’s video somewhere of her in blue saran wrap and duct tape being“stimulated”.FM: Aphrodite’s areola!
Countessa: The actual confession part is – I want to do it again, except with more appliances and more hanky-spanky stuff. Am I going to hell for lusting after my ex-husband’s wife?
FM: Bacchus’s backside! I’m afraid you’d enjoy Hell too much. Actually, you need to join a convent, pledge a life of celibacy, and assign yourself to a Catholic school, where the only beatings you administer will be to the knuckles of anyone singing Death Cab for Cutie covers. Got it?
Countessa: Do I get to follow them into the dark?
FM: Get out of my booth.
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This is too twisted for even Muskrat to make up. No poetic license taken. For further readings by Countessa, check out her blog at memmunch.diaryland.com. If you’d like to participate in a Friday’s confessional, please email your transgression(s) to muskratblog[at]gmail.com. Or, confess with impunity in comments!
At least I don’t have to put a hot butter knife in my eye. *grin*
[Reply]
January 29th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
I think just forcing her to drive a minivan and wear a helmet would be punishment enough…
Theresa B’s last blog post..Getting My Move On
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January 30th, 2009 at 12:56 am
freaks ‘fess on Fridays. Father finds fun. followers fofl.
(fofl, fall on floor laughing)
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January 30th, 2009 at 7:46 am
This is really intriguing in a Jungian way. Her ex’s wife sort of holds her place in the future, or the past, or something. So in essence she hot for doing it to/with herself via time travel. I like it.
[Reply]
January 30th, 2009 at 8:42 am
I’m with Theresa B. Have her drive the mini van for a day.
Brenda-SeriouslyMama’s last blog post..Disney On Ice tickets! It’s another giveaway!
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January 30th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Damn, you get the best confessions.
Jim’s last blog post..The Spider
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January 30th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Hi friend.. Nice cool post.. Do visit my blog and post your comments.. Take care mate.. Cheers!!!
[Reply]
January 30th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
How the hell does she “get off” so easy (no pun intended) I mean, no poker, no knive in toaster, no name calling, no drunk santa’s stinking of mad-dog, and no wrinkle washing… wait…”a life of celibacy” ok yeah her punishment is WAY more extreme than mine.
/grin
Siren’s last blog post..Yesterday Sucked!
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January 30th, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Countessa, That’s true. I must’ve been in a happy place last night.
TheresaB, While I applaud your obvious attention to previous posts, I don’t like what you’re insinuating. Maybe you need a hot poker to the eye?
AvatGardener, I don’t see much rolling today. Their loss. I was amused.
Deb, Was that Jung? I thought he just helped us come up with personality types. Didn’t Dr Emmit Brown invent time travel?
Brenda, Then I’ll suggest the poker eye for you, too.
Jim, I think I’m the only game in town. Feel free to send your own confessions, like about arachnophobia.
Ocean, I don’t think we’re mates, are we? You’re too cold right now.
Siren, Much worse. She was dirtier (but not by much).
[Reply]
January 30th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
That’s funny. I have to keep that blue saran wrap and duct tape in mind. I have a full fledged “date” coming up soon. Hmmm……
Mama Dawg’s last blog post..Super Fun Sunday!
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February 3rd, 2009 at 1:12 pm
*gasp* did she? did she really just get kicked out of the booth!? for shame…
ChurchPunkMom’s last blog post..We don’t eat fingers…. jus’ sayin’..
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February 3rd, 2009 at 4:42 pm
You are too damn much!
[Reply]
February 4th, 2009 at 7:33 am