Father Muskrat: Oh my. I’ve seen posters hanging at the post office depicting more innocent-looking people than you appear today. What’s up?Countessa: Well…see…it’s been a few years, but I sorta committed adultery, I think.FM: What? Like being “sorta ” gay? Or “sorta” pregnant? Or “sorta” Republican?Countessa: Funny you should suggest such: I slept with my ex-husband’s wife. It was before she was his wife, though. It was, like, years ago. It was–
FM: Just how many people live in your Mississippi trailer park anyway?
FM: I’m sorry. I’m afraid this story is a bit too far-fetched. I need evidence. Do you have any film depicting the vile acts you performed with this poor, unsuspecting woman?Countessa: Well, technically, I tied her up and did bad sexual nasty things to her. There wasn’t really a with; it was definitely more of a to situation.FM: Narcissus’s nethers! I’m appalled! Now where do I stash my horse whip? Ah, yes, there it is, next to my chaps.Countessa: That’s not the confessional part, Father Freaky.FM: You mean you taped it? Because that really would be appalling, and frankly, such evidence would need to be kept in my locker here to assure a discernible chain of custody, and…did you just call me “Freaky”?Countessa: Freaky freak! I knew it. And yes, there’s video somewhere of her in blue saran wrap and duct tape being“stimulated”.FM: Aphrodite’s areola!
Countessa: The actual confession part is – I want to do it again, except with more appliances and more hanky-spanky stuff. Am I going to hell for lusting after my ex-husband’s wife?
FM: Bacchus’s backside! I’m afraid you’d enjoy Hell too much. Actually, you need to join a convent, pledge a life of celibacy, and assign yourself to a Catholic school, where the only beatings you administer will be to the knuckles of anyone singing Death Cab for Cutie covers. Got it?
Countessa: Do I get to follow them into the dark?
FM: Get out of my booth.
This is too twisted for even Muskrat to make up. No poetic license taken. For further readings by Countessa, check out her blog at memmunch.diaryland.com. If you’d like to participate in a Friday’s confessional, please email your transgression(s) to muskratblog[at]gmail.com. Or, confess with impunity in comments!