Gratuitously offensive

were i a dinosaur, i’d be mega-sore-ass


I’m pretty sure I might have hemorrhoids. I’ve been pretty sure for years, but there’s only irritation when I’ve been traveling and mess up my eating/sleeping/bathroom routines, like visiting multiple houses for Christmas can do.

But I’m worried about it today, because I’m back at work, where the paper is one step above corncobs in an outhouse.  I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes and a twisting hot poker tip in my ass, when I figure some cold water might give me a wee bit of relief.  I hold my breath and listen.

Quiet in the restroom.  Quiet in the hall outside the door. Go time.

I spring upright, shuffle to the sink, soak a wad of paper in cold water, shut off the faucet, and then–BANG–the restroom door flings open.


I scurry back towards the stall, doing “the penguin” across the tile towards my igloo, refusing to look up at the intruder.  I hit the latch as footsteps approach and then stop in the stall beside mine.  I bend down to look at his shoes.

Brown work boots!

No one wears brown work boots in my office. I exhale slowly and relieve my sore anus, giving nary a damn that the Philistine in the work boots beside me saw my bare ass bunny-hopping into my safe haven.

Blog Widget by LinkWithin


  1. You’ve got intestinal issues, don’t you? I think you need to go see a specialist.

    unfinishedrambler’s last blog post..Jesus, Mary and Joseph; The Original 12; The 47 Ronin and The Crazy 88

  2. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Damn! I wish they still had cameras in restrooms!

    Bee’s last blog post..A 3 year old who knows more swears than I do and the news of a comic strip. No, not a funny person stripping.

  3. My Philistine says you should have ‘dunked the TP in the toilet bowl you pansy!’.


  4. UR, You might be right. I was told to cut back on my drinking 10 years ago when I went in, so I did…briefly. It’ll be okay; I appreciate your concern.

    Bee, Dunk in the john? That’s disgusting! No thanks; I’ll take my chances with getting seen by the sink.

  5. Take this opportunity to cover your butt-hole with some petroleum jelly. We will all understand.

  6. How about some Prep-H? A stool softener? Less anal sex??? More fiber in your diet? Tucks medicated pads?

    It may be time for a visit to your doctor for a looky loo. How bout some ass in the box on the day of your visit?That will break the proverbial ice.

    Hope your ass feels better soon!

    Candice’s last blog post..I want to show you my wii mii

  7. OK, now I’m singing “It’s just my ass in a box! Ass in a box!”. Thanks, Muskrat.

  8. Hey bud, as your Nurse Practitioner, put those Prep’s in the fridge and gently insert every four hours. They’ll be gone in a couple of days. You might want to tell pretty bride to cut back on the toys for a while. I know you’ll be disappointed, but think of your poor ass for once. Good luck!! Keep us ALL up to date. Inquiring minds you know.

  9. Pretty Bride

    I’d just like to go on record as saying NONE of these anus issues are any of my doing. I am pure as the driven snow, for one thing, and I only wipe baby bottoms, for another. I think more fiber is the answer to most of life’s troubles, so let’s all look there for someone to blame, shall we?

    Poor Muskrat. Tell you what: you go have a liquid lunch today, no questions asked. That oughtta make a dent in your potty problem.

  10. Dude, get some Tucks. For reals, man. Tucks. Good ol’ fashioned witch hazel. Take it from someone who’s birthed 5 babies. 😉 You’ll be a much happier man.

    ChurchPunkMom’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday

  11. Sir

    You are my new poo humor crush.


    Mike’s last blog post..Stick a Lemon in That Thing.

  12. You know, I can just picture the “Penguin Shuffle”..

    Reminds me of the time I took one of my friends home after a LONG night of serious drinking….

    That, and his uncontrollable desire to poop on a Mazda parked on the side of the road….

    Great story!

    Jormengund’s last blog post..Well, there’s news, and then there’s… NEWS.

  13. Here’s to a no anal fissure new year! Great stuff. A year’s supply of Prep H is your reward!

    Selfdeprechaun’s last blog post..I can be your wingman but it will be Rico Suave Style

  14. Ouch! It sucks when you realize you’re not a spring chick (or rooster) anymore.

    ReformingGeek’s last blog post..Because People are Stupid

  15. oh just sit down on the carpet and pull yourself across the room thats what i do when my butt itches then it feels sooooo good! dont tell the human i did that

    Nooter’s last blog post..Poop and Squawk II

  16. i’d like to thank the words “gratuitiously offensive”, “nary” and “penguin”.

    i think i felt a hemorrhoid pop out while i was laughing my spleen out. and why is that second h silent? say it like it’s not. it just makes it funnier.

    minebymagpie’s last blog post..he said, she said

  17. PracticallyJoe, I’d already planned to do that. It is, after all, New Year’s.

    Candice, I appreciate your suggestions, but some of them will seriously cramp my New Year’s plans.

    Countessa, Sadly, I don’t think my ass would fit in a box. Not a shoebox, anyway. Perhaps a microwave box?

    Harlin, I’m not sure I should keep you up to date on this particular ailment, but I might do it anyway.

    PrettyBride, Thanks for clarifying. And I’ll be glad to.

    ChurchPunkMan, I’m a happy man regardless. Tucks might make me downright cocky!

    Mike, Thanks. I’ve haven’t been the subject of a man crush in, like, 3 days.

    Jormengund, I was hoping to see pictures of the poop-coated Mazda. Was it a Miata?

    Selfdeprachaun, I have way too much pride to buy that stuff. I’m hoping to be fissure-free w/o it.

    ReformingGeek, That hurts. I’m still young, no matter what the season. In fact, I’m a rodent for all seasons.

    Nooter, Are you a dog? If so, how do you hit the space bar?

    MinebyMagpie, I’m sorry for any damage I’ve done to your tender ass. That being said, I cannot accept liability for same.

  18. I think that’s what happens when you get your fiber in liquid form like I do.

    Oh well, cheers and happy new year!

    prefers her fantasy life’s last blog post..Mixed Blessings This Season

  19. I’m pretty sure that the next time the doc dons the rubber gloves and does the old prostate check, he can confirm or deny the hemorrhoid rumors. Good luck with that.

  20. I told you I got you the coveted “Ass In A Sling” for Christmas! Also, I think your current problems are the result of you stuffing pea gravel into your rusty bullet hole, so that you could squat down and shit them out into the yard! I’m just sayin’…

  21. Pingback: a celebration of 2008–the year of the muskrat | Father Muskrat

  22. when will you and bathrooms every behave properly together?

    SSG’s last blog post..And a Happy New Year….

  23. I totally feel for you and that was one of the funniest damn things I have ever read. Thanks for flushing any remaining dignity and posting it!

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.