FM: Hello, Miss…
Siren: I have a confession…*
FM: Go ahead, girl, go ahead.
Siren: There is this good looking Santa at the mall, so I had to go sit on his lap (I may have wiggled around a bit), and when I whispered what I wanted for Christmas, his cheeks were definitely more rosy.*
FM: Can you elaborate a bit on “definitely more rosy”?
Siren: Without a doubt, he was pleased.
FM: Did you feel like his love lifted you up, where you belong?
Siren: Something lifted me up, but I didn’t feel like I belonged there at all.
FM: Ho, Ho, Ho!
Siren: Excuse me? Are you…implying anything?
FM: Just that I’m excited about Christmas. You’re in Michigan, right? I think you need to go up to Detroit, find the mall where all the patrons’ car windows are made of plastic wrap and duct tape, and sit on that Santa’s lap as your pittance.
Siren: But, those Santas all smell like Mad Dog!
FM: Uh huh. Now get outta here before I bring Bee back to force you to change teams!
FM: Next? Yes, you with the spiked green hair and rosary beads.
ChurchPunkMom: When I was in jr high, I did quite a bit of shop lifting.. I usually stole very small items and hid them in my mouth rather than my pockets.*
FM: Define “quite a bit.”
CPM: Like, daily. And twice on Sunday.
FM: Moses’ beard! Why your mouth?
CPM: Because it’s always been bigger than my pockets?
FM: Burning bushes!
CPM: Yeah, like hundreds of dollars in little green Army men, Fruit Stripe gum, pet rocks, eponymous key chains, and bottles of cough syrup.
FM: Gideon’s trumpet!
CPM: What do I do?
FM: Here, put this in your mouth and hold it there.
CPM: Father, I AM A MARRIED WOMAN!
FM: What? No, ye of much mental perversion. Inside this ziplock bag is an ant-covered Twinkie. Eat it. That’ll learn you.
CPM: That’ll hurt!
FM: So did your stealing from mom-and-pop proprietors with razor-thin profit margins. Eat your twinkie and get out!
CPM: Did I just spot “The Wealth of Nations” protruding from your robe?
*Sentences actually provided by the confessors. The rest is Father Muskrat poetic license. If you’d like to participate in next Friday’s confessional, please email me with your transgression(s) at muskratblog[at]gmail.com