Halloween 2007: I’m stuck in Iraq but dress like Bret Michaels from Poison, since he’d just performed for us a few weeks prior. I win “sexiest costume.” Damn right I deserved it.
Halloween 2006: My brother and I are Madonna with her recently adopted boy from Africa, David, and a barb-pierced Steve Irwin. Several people at the party we attended were offended. They thought Irwin was distasteful because he was dead and that the stuffed monkey as an African baby was distasteful on principle. I told them to kindly eat a dick, as I didn’t have time to go buy a baby doll, and this was the closest thing in my closet to a baby.
Halloween 2004: I was an Abu Ghraib prisoner in bloody POW garb and a dog chain; my friend was Lynndie England in my desert camo uniform (DCU). People at the party were offended by this costume, too. This could very well by my favorite.
Halloween 1997: My friend and I are foosball players. It’s hard to see, but there’s a broomstick wrapped in tin foil attached to our backs. We win first place at the IBM costume contest that day. I get a $50 giftcard to some shitty ass strip mall that I blow on contraceptives and narcotics.
Halloween 1992: I had just let my friend give me a mohawk to start off my senior year of high school wrestling. I’m wearing a buckskin outfit my Dad made from Bambi’s father (whom he shot and skinned himself) and am an Indian, back when one could get away with dressing like an Indian without mass protest.