For some reason, a group of educated and fairly sophisticated individuals have decided they want to listen to me for several hours tomorrow, so I’ve flown up to Milwaukee, WI and then drove 3hrs north to what appears to be Nowhere, Dairyville. I could’ve flown into a location closer to my final destination, but because I’ve never been to Wisconsin before, I wanted to spend more time on the road exploring. I also added an extra day at the end to go out boozing in Madison and touring a brewery or two in Milwaukee before flying back south.
So far, I’ve learned:
1) when the internet says the temperature is 30 degrees colder somewhere, take heed. I deplaned and had to immediately root around in my suitcase to find a coat, as I left Atlanta in mid-80 degree temperatures; Milwaukee was low 50s. For some reason, I thought it’d be 85 when I landed, like it was when I boarded. Not true, dumbass. Not true.
2) it’s totally Fall here! Changed leaves everywhere. Very pretty.
3) there are no black people in Wisconsin. I know–you’re thinking, “Hey Captain Judgmental Asshat, you’ve been there less than one day; what do you know?” I’ll tell you what I know: I’ve driven 3 hours and had two meals; I looked around the whole time and saw not a single hue darker than Clorox. What up with that? Apparently, all Wisconsinites are racists who stand by the border and disallow anyone who’s “diff-ernt.” I’ll bet YOU PEOPLE can’t dance, either.
4) my firm likes for me to look Tardtastic. How? They have me a canary yellow Chevy Cobalt. Only cars that cost >$50,000 and can go 0-60mph in fewer than 5 seconds should be yellow. Otherwise, yellow car drivers are hoseheads. There, by the disgrace of our office manager, drive I.
My non-work-related objectives are to enjoy local beer, enjoy local cheese, and see a badger. I accomplished the first one today. I’ll update the blog with progress on the latter objectives as the week continues. Tonight, I’m walking up the road to this place:
*A quick “thank you” to Maggie and Sarah, who gave suggestions for places to visit while I’m up here! Sorry I sorta dissed your state a little. I actually like the cooler temperatures. Just not the racists.
**Update: Dinner at Hereford & Hops was excellent! I recommend the beer sampler, 40oz ribeye, and all-you-can-cram ribs, which is what I had.
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It is absolutely criminal that I can’t be there with you right now. Specifically, I should be there to pour you into your Bananamobile and drive you home in another hour. And then have my way with you.
You heard me.
Meandering muskrat motors Milwaukee-way. Misses minorities. Mistrusts margarine (colored) ‘mobile. Makes “mommy” miss man.
Missions? Many.
If by badger you mean a U of Wisconsin fan, there are plenty. If you mean digging weasel, you are out of luck. The nickname comes from the miners that dug into hillsides in the 19th century. Sorry.
As for darker hues? I grew up in northern Wisconsin and your observation would have been correct in my formative years, but not so much now. You must not be looking hard enough. Any berg larger than, say, 30,000 should be well represented.
spice
Dude. You said bad things. I will have to retaliate. Go find a Have a Nice Day Cafe, why don’t you.
You in THAT CAR – too sweet. lol
I live on a street that’s a mini United Nations, people of many races, wouldn’t move for the world. Wisconsin doesn’t sound like much fun at all!
beer and cheese? mythical animals? Muskrat cruisin in that ugly yellow car? Sounds like a party to me..
I’m waiting to find out about the ‘rat’s latest random homosexual approach to an out of state stranger. It’s a tradition, after all!
I thought black people were mythical creatures? Like badgers? I want my free Wisconsin Public School education money back, dammit!
You have mass appeal.
First to educated and sophisticated people in another state, and second to quirky sometimes-educated internet hacks that read your blog.
Matt, Thanks. I’m, frankly, quite surprised.
Maggie, Good luck with that. Sit down with Google and educate yourself a bit tonight.
Staghounds, I didn’t bring my pink shirt this trip!
ThatGirl, It’s about to become one!
Bill, So’s my street in the ATL. I stand out for being the straight white guy. Parties are always fun up in there!
S.Pare, Not bad…just, different. No retaliation necessary!
Jim, I found some at my hotel in Madison just now. It’s all good. Thanks for the history lesson!
AvatG, That’s right. Time to start accomplishing more “missions.”
PB, No words.
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