Gratuitously offensive

“my first NASCAR book” and other essential white trash literature

Today I received an email from my uncle, who lives in Birmingham, Alabama; he quit IT consulting not too long ago to pursue a new career in teaching (a benefit of living in a paid off house):

Just thought I would relate a funny thing I noticed yesterday.  As you know, many of my education classes require “observations” of other teachers.  Yesterday I was in an early childhood learning center where the kids were around 2 years of age.  In their little “classroom” was a small library shelf of books.  As I was picking through the books to find one to read to the children, one particular one caught my eye:  “My first NASCAR book”.  It was a pre-K level book with drawings and a story about racing cars in the NASCAR circuit.  I couldn’t help but laugh and think to myself, “Yep, this is sure an indicator that we’re in the redneck South!”

Having spent kindergarten through post-graduate education in Tennessee, Alabama, or Georgia, I feel I’m qualified to suggest other educational books for children in the Southeast that can prepare them for their formative years.  Here they are, in no particular order:

1)  My First Chewing Tobacco Book.  Learn why Daddy has yellow teeth and why Mommy always has a cold sore when Daddy moves in for a smooch!  Discover the difference in the chew, the chaw, and the dip!

2)  Kissing Cousins:  My First Incest Book.  Learn why Mommy and Daddy have the same protruding chin and why Mommy has hated you ever since puberty!  Prequel to Why Walk Across the Street When You Can Walk Across the Hall.

3)  Under the Hood:  My First KKK Book.  Learn where Daddy and Grandpa go when they wear their “special Halloween costumes” and return smelling like diesel!  Gain insight into Mommy’s sudden weight loss following the DNC!

4)  My First Book on Whores:  Why is Mommy So Popular When Daddy’s on a Long Haul? Learn why none of the dogs want to sleep under the trailer when Daddy’s away for several days and Mommy has her “bridge group” in her room making squealing piggy noises!

5)  My First Televangelist Money Laundering Book.  Learn why you’re going to work after highschool instead of community college like you’d planned, as Mommy and Daddy explain to whom their $200 in savings went instead of to you!

6)  Why Do I Love to Eat Dirt?  My First Crystal Meth Book. Learn why Mommy and Daddy have no teeth, never sleep, and smell so bad!  Is it okay that you’re still crawling at age 8?  Get answers!

7)  Howdy Hitler!  My First Genocide Book.  Learn how to treat those who don’t look exactly like you do or believe exactly what Mommy and Daddy believe!  Chocked full of racial slurs, and check out that centerfold map showing local organizations in which you can get involved!

For blogs that have humor without dissing their roots, check out this listing of humour blogs!

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  1. Shootin Stuff: They’s more n just squirrels to shoot at in the bootheel of Missourah.
    Learn the right size gun for the right size job. A 9mm might do just fine for shootin up a can a gasoline, but wheeew-wweee, what kind of scope do ya need for a household lighter?

  2. That’s a very funny post – good stuff.

  3. Hahahaha!!! Awesomely brilliant titles. The scary thing is if we ever saw them at the local bookstore!

  4. Bill, Thanks! I’m certain there are other works of literary crappitude that I can name and describe. I’ll give it a couple weeks though.

    MetroDad: Thanks…I fully expect to see many of these in the Cracker Barrel giftshop.

  5. You’d like the McSweeney’s books…

    “Baby Make Me a Drink” or my personal fave

    “Baby Do My Banking”

  6. Kristen (aka Motherhood), I’ll check it out…thanks for the tip!

  7. LOL!
    Great post!!!

  8. Thanks, Soccer Mom and Chris Wood!

  9. How ’bout, ‘Corn Cobs, Paint Thinner, and Such! Learn how to use simple things around the garage and yard to do such things as brush your teeth, wipe your ass, and get high when times are lean. A must have!’

  10. Pingback: Father Muskrat » a weekend roundup of additional white trash lit

  11. Is this for real? LOL

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