Pretty Bride and I were talking about punishment recently and how I thought “time out” was for pussies. She says The Literature says that spanking is not really the best way to teach children right from wrong. This got me to thinking about my childhood and the many, many whippings I endured when misunderstood or misinterpreted as a young, perfect boy. So, here I will list a few of my top spanking offenses:
1. One day (late elementary school) I was peeing, and my younger brother walked in to tell me I needed to help him pick up the limbs that had fallen all over our backyard during a storm. I told him to hold on; I was peeing. He said I needed to go out now, because Daddy said we had to do it now. I got mad. I turned around and completed my urination all over his bare legs, chest, arms, and feet. He told my father. I got the tar beat out of me with a belt.
2. One day (early elementary school), my brother Kevin and I were playing in our front yard and realized we’d left a toy bunny rabbit in the next door neighbor’s garage. We could’ve rung the doorbell and asked them to let us in to get the bunny, but instead we grabbed some sticks and rocks and broke into their garage, took the bunny, and then let ourselves out via the door. My parents got a phone call from the neighbors telling them what we’d done. They asked us about it; we lied and said it was some other kids. I got my pants pulled down and was beaten with a white plastic cutting board. I noticed several years ago that I now have that white plastic cutting board. My mother packed it with the kitchen items she gave me when I moved into my own apartment after college. Not cool.
3. One day (early elementary school), I was playing with a kid who lived in our cul-de-sac on his folks’ front porch, and I was telling him about how I thought the brown rocks they used as landscape mulch looked a lot like turds. He didn’t like that I categorized his father’s handiwork in this manner. I decided to take the conversation to a new level by pulling my pants down, squatting over the side of his porch, and dropping the brown rocks out of my bottom into the shrubbery below. His dad walked out of the front door and saw his son’s playmate’s brown star and heard him say, “I’m Bobby’s Daddy. Look at how I like to do landscaping!” He told me to go home and immediately called my parents. I heard his voice as I trudged towards my house: “your boy just dropped a bunch of my rocks out his ass in front of my son and me…” Dad was outside working in the yard and took the nearest tree limb to my backside.
Look at this funny blog to rate others’ experiences with corporal punishment.