Here is the email I wrote a close friend who turns 40 tomorrow. Shane and I deployed to Iraq together in March 2003 and slept in cots a few inches apart for 5 months in a tent with no air conditioning, showers, or running water. Embellished yarns, smuggled alcohol, and illicit affairs were the only entertainment. His kidney stones and the extra percocet he received were how we got through the last several weeks. I probably shouldn’t have disclosed that. With that backfill in mind, here it is…
Dear Shane,
I wish I could drive four hours to buy you the six pack of wine coolers you’re so desperately craving today, so that you don’t have to finance such habits by sucking dick. However, I have to go to court tomorrow, because a yokel from the north Georgia mountains decided to get into a 3-point stance and charge into a parked pickup truck, and then sue the driver. I’m defending the driver.
I hope you’re not feeling down about your birthday. I know that lost youth can sometimes be hard. But know this: if marital obligations, military prohibitions, and moral convictions didn’t prohibit my doing otherwise, I would show you just the filthy affection you deserve tomorrow. You’re a handsome man. The pictures I have from Puerto Rico of you in your Speedo are nothing if they aren’t confirmation. You’re aging like a French red wine or an oiled baseball glove. Only you don’t smell as good.
I’m sorry you didn’t get to run with the bulls in Pamplona a few weeks ago, as you’d planned. I will be in town this weekend, though, and I will be glad to strap some horns to my head and chase you around your neighborhood. I figure it’s the least I can do.
Happy Birthday.
Yours,Sugarpants
I’m amused, disgusted, splitting ribs and cursing at the comments you made about your friend’s 40th birthday.
Must be a Monday.
Cowboy,
Thanks for the kind, erotic words. If I were a raging HOMO I would finger bang your rectum and then penetrate you like a bunker buster. I said I wanted to run with the bulls not the bull queers!!!!
Looking at 40 is interesting to say the least. Hopefully I will find new ways to be foul! I am looking forward to the new stage of life. Supposedly I will continue to work hard but work smarter. Hopefully in the next 10 years I will see major life plans start to take shape. Hopefully I will get more pussy.
Thanks for the birthday wishes. You are thoughtful. I hope you have a great day as well.
Succa Pantelones
eeeeeuuuuugh!!! get a room!! (whatever)
Congrats to the birthday boy – – well, birthday man, now I suppose. Sadly, at 40 one is still required to behave and go along with society’s rules. By 50 however, one is allowed to start (in tiny increments) becoming the grumpy old fella you know and would love to be (think Raymond’s dad) from Hollywood. So hang in there guy, and sooner than you know it, you can yell at the TV news, ask even strangers to pull your finger and generally be a nuisance.
FORTY?! If it makes you feel any better I’ve never thought of you as smelling better than French wine, either.
I still remember my friends from Desert Storm, but not with the same level of shall we say… “affection.”
Clearly things like privacy, plumbing, and hygiene come between genuine male bonding.
I’m learning to live with it, though.
A very happy birthday from Rickey. Now go make with the festivites and headbut a parked vehicle.
Thanks Muskrat.
I have had a very nice day. You and your blog made me smile at the end of a great day. Tell all thank you.
Shane
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