how a boy turns 5: rape and pillage

map

Owen turns 5 in a few days, so we invited his preschool classmates to our newly renovated backyard Saturday for his choice of themed birthdays:  pirates!

In addition to a bunch of kids and parents I didn’t know, I got to see my friends Karen (whom I know from social media) and Jody (whom I met in 1983 in our elementary school cafeteria), plus their children, which made my role more enjoyable.  There they are, underneath the tent and banners I painstakingly assembled and hung, to no fanfare or gratitude whatsoever.

decorations

My bride, who’s skilled with a carving knife, made this thing, much to the chagrin of my scrotum:

ship of fruit

Once the crowd had calmed down a bit, found the hidden treasure from the map above, and had their cupcakes, I made them shuffle across a wooden plank and plummet into the emerald zoysia sod awaiting their soon-to-be-crumbled little frames with no remorse whatsoever.

treasure

TREASURE!

I started with my son.

forcing the O to walk plank

O on the plank

O at end of plank

His older sister looked on with a satisfaction only knowing you no longer have to share booty can produce.

pirate m

And all the while, I memorialized his last minutes of life on Instagram.

pirate moe

And thus, the inaugural episode of Pirates of the Northern Atlanta Suburbs came to a violent conclusion before I even got a chance to grow a black beard.

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4 responses to “how a boy turns 5: rape and pillage”

  1. Pretty Bride says:

    Let’s just talk about how awesome that map is for a minute.

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    Indeed!

    [Reply]

  2. Tracey says:

    That is one amazing pirate get-up you got goin’ on there, bucko.
    Tracey´s last blog post ..On writing and permanence

    [Reply]

    muskrat Reply:

    Thanks! It’s important to keep it authentic.

    [Reply]

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