how a boy turns 5: rape and pillage


Owen turns 5 in a few days, so we invited his preschool classmates to our newly renovated backyard Saturday for his choice of themed birthdays:  pirates!

In addition to a bunch of kids and parents I didn’t know, I got to see my friends Karen (whom I know from social media) and Jody (whom I met in 1983 in our elementary school cafeteria), plus their children, which made my role more enjoyable.  There they are, underneath the tent and banners I painstakingly assembled and hung, to no fanfare or gratitude whatsoever.


My bride, who’s skilled with a carving knife, made this thing, much to the chagrin of my scrotum:

ship of fruit

Once the crowd had calmed down a bit, found the hidden treasure from the map above, and had their cupcakes, I made them shuffle across a wooden plank and plummet into the emerald zoysia sod awaiting their soon-to-be-crumbled little frames with no remorse whatsoever.



I started with my son.

forcing the O to walk plank

O on the plank

O at end of plank

His older sister looked on with a satisfaction only knowing you no longer have to share booty can produce.

pirate m

And all the while, I memorialized his last minutes of life on Instagram.

pirate moe

And thus, the inaugural episode of Pirates of the Northern Atlanta Suburbs came to a violent conclusion before I even got a chance to grow a black beard.

Blog Widget by LinkWithin


  1. Let’s just talk about how awesome that map is for a minute.

  2. That is one amazing pirate get-up you got goin’ on there, bucko.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.