there’s no masturbation in the tundra
Him: Do you have a lot of experience with trucks?
Me: The last time I drove a pickup truck was in high school, when I worked for my friend’s dad’s landscaping company. He had a 1970-something white piece of shit truck with “3 on the tree” and a spare tire tied to its roof. We called it “Great White.” Sometimes when I was in a residential area and had a boner for some reason, I’d rub one out and just spray all over the floorboard!
Me: The bad thing was, my hands were always calloused from yard work, so I’d end up irritating my johnson! But hey, ain’t no way I’d be doing that in a $50,000 Toyota truck. The Tundra is no place for masturbating!
And so began my experience at the Tundra East Coast Drive Camp at Barnsley Gardens Resort in north Georgia.
I’m on a horse!
I was as impressed by this event hosted at Barnsley Resort and facilitated by Jackson Spalding as I have been at any of the blogging or legal conferences I’ve attended. There was fly fishing, horseback riding, and skeet shooting: activities one would expect to enjoy at a Southern event showcasing a quality truck and SUV. Accommodations were top notch, and the food and drink provided by Empire State South were so good that I made reservations for my bride’s birthday at their restaurant in Atlanta. Like, immediately.
There was also this:
And some of this:
It’s like they read my blog AND my mind.
I had the Pimm’s Cup, the Rye+Root, all 3 Terrapin beers, a recommended red wine, a recommended white wine, AND several of the whiskeys available for sampling, because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
When we weren’t eating and drinking, there was plenty of this:
We drove the 2014 Tundra through a pasture and some woods. We pulled an Airstream with it. We pulled a boat with it. We took it on winding country roads through north Georgia after I sampled whiskey til 3am the night before.
And you know what? To the best of my knowledge, there wasn’t a single instance of inappropriate stimulation within the Tundras. Because why would you desecrate an interior that looks like this?
Right before heading back to Atlanta, I drove the 2014 4Runner and was impressed by its handling and amenities. It was a joy to drive (but not in an inappropriate way). I even flipped up the 3rd row to see if children could fit in there, and I totally think they would! Which is great, because then we can stack the luggage in the second row to muffle their cries for bathroom breaks.
We received a fancy press kit and thumb drive full of photos for all the journalists, but as the lone personal blogger in attendance, I felt it better to keep it real and use the pictures I took with my iphone. I didn’t get compensated for this event but didn’t have to pay for it, either. It was a great time, and I’ve already called my Daddy to tell him he made a wise choice when he bought his crimson Tundra a couple years ago, but he’s gonna wanna check out the 2014 before he gets too attached to his older model.